I already had a son, he is almost 3. But since the beginning
I had always dreamed of a daughter and finally on November 11th 2001 I
took a pregnancy test and was pleasantly surprised, I was pregnant.
Then at 19 weeks I had an ultrasound it was a girl, the technician left
the room came back and told me they needed more pictures of the baby something
about the umbilical cord, so I went home only to have several more ultrasounds
over the next few weeks and even have a visit scheduled for a specialist
to take a look at the baby. But everyone kept reassuring me that it was
o.k only a minor problem what kind of a fool did they take me for, the
umbilical cord was the babies lifeline how minor could it be! But I was
22 weeks and everyone would say after 20 weeks it is very rare for the
baby to die. The books said it. I wanted to believe it.
About a week later I went in Feb.15th 2002 to speak with a doctor and get
a clearer understanding of the problem once again I was reassured that
it was nothing just a swelling of the portal vein in the umbilical cord.
I told the tech the baby I never really feel her move anymore, so he wanted
to take a listen he gave me a ultrasound and I knew she was gone after
seeing 6 ultrasounds of a baby so active the ultrasound tech couldn't
measure body parts she was not moving today. I flat out asked the doctor
she is dead right and he responded "yes". I was so upset I was tearing
but trying to be strong saying I'm o.k. After all I was angry at them I
did my part I did not smoke and I did not drink and I did not do any drugs.
I had harassed them so much over the phone and they told me just eat ice
cream. You are being hormonal! and "Melissa we already told you everything
is fine" in snotty tones. They treated me like a 22 year old child, like
I was a nuisance and I was obviously a very smart 22 year old with strong
maternal instincts. And if you took me seriously she might be here alive!
The nurse came in they wanted me to go up and have another ultrasound just
to confirm it. I told them that when I first found out I was pregnant I
had a dream and it was me sitting on a couch and having a woman hand me
a baby girl and then take her away and say you are not ready for this.
I also told them I wanted to have her the next day to see her to hold her
to name her to feel her to let her know mommy loves you. They assured me
I could and they told me they would make me comfortable and tried to explain
a procedure to me that all the pain medication in the world could not console
me how ridiculous they sounded...
Well alone I went and had the final ultrasound and alone I waited for a
ride and as I got home I cried I looked at all the baby clothes. I called
my spouse and told him to hurry home and no I could not tell him what was
wrong over the phone. He came home I was like "there is something wrong
with..." I said "she is dead" I was crying it was so hard. To pack a little
hospital bag and go to a place to have a baby you know wont be coming back
with you.
My fiancé was very supportive we woke up early friday morning
dressed our son and dropped him with the sitter. And then headed over to
LDRP at the hospital only to be escorted to the way back in an isolated
room far away from everyone else like my daughter my dream come true was
a dirty little secret! I was there for 2hrs before they even started the
procedure this vaginal suppository that is supposed to help you dilate
well I got a fever and was very cold and at 12:30pm I asked for an epidural
at 1:30pm still no epidural and another vaginal suppository at about 1:45pm
they offer demerol. I say o.k just take the pain away please you promised
I would be comfortable but they could not give it to me I had the chills
and my blood pressure had dropped and I had a fever of 102 they started
giving me freezing cold liquids very quickly through an iv and it was hurting
and they had my head down and my feet up and they had the blood pressure
thing on my arm and finally they said o.k we will give her some morphine
so they did and it made me dizzy and I still felt the pain a little and
it was making me groggy so I told them am I stable enough to get the epidural
and finally I thought I was getting the pain relief that I had with my
son my son an 8 pound 21 inch full term baby and i felt nothing pushing
him out and was only in labor 3hrs and 42min. This time the epidural hurt
so much going in and it hurt the entire time it was in the epidural was
pointless well I was 2cm at 3:30 when they gave me another vaginal suppository
and at 6:36 after 9hrs and 6min of horrific labor I delivered my daughter
placenta and all screaming and crying in pain telling them they promised
i'd be comfortable and for the past 15 min i had been in excruciating pain
waiting for the anaesthesiologist to come in and fix it cause I was getting
no relief well she came out and my blood pressure was very high I was crying
and shaking and in hysterics they took her away to get her out of the placenta
and brought her to me a little bit later.... 12.5 ounces (265grms) 11 inches
long perfect from head to toe one eye open one eye closed not as small
as I thought she would be not the color I thought she would be but it was
clear that she was a baby she was a girl hair forming under the hat we
took pictures, we video taped her ,and we baptized her.
Her father had been scared at first before he seen how much like a baby
she was before he had not wanted to touch her he had been saying stuff
like lets name her JUST A SHELL and then he held her and he cried and that
was the best thing he could have done for me he acknowledged that she was
his little girl he held her little fingers and we decided she looked like
her brother and then she was taken away leaving me empty and upset that
she was alone and not with me and I did not get much sleep I cried allot
and then the next day they woke us up at 7am saying we could leave when
we were ready did not even have me on the breakfast list I got ready and
they escorted me out not through the front exit but some secret little
dark exit where nobody could see me I did not even take me through to the
hospital lobby just to some outside door where my fiancé met me
I did not understand why they did that having a stillborn does not make
me contagious but anyway the nurses were very nice and when I went home
I had my little memory box with her baptism paper and her foot prints
and hand prints and id bracelet and pictures and her hat and her little
dress just looking at the pictures and wishing things were different crying
allot. But my back hurt from the epidural and I still had fever and
my stomach was cramping and even though this just all happened yesterday
it feels very comforting to know that maybe my story will help people know
it does happen it isn't easy and don't feel it is a dirty little secret
because these babies are babies they are gifts that you will treasure and
they need a story a name a face cause you will never be able to forget
or replace them and my BABY DAUGHTER HUNTER ELIANNA "PITTS" HOWARD IS A
BLESSING AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MORN FOR HER, TO LOVE HER, AND I ALWAYS
WILL. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE NO MATTER HOW SMALL AND SHE WAS SMALL BUT SHE WAS
LARGER THEN LIFE TO ME. THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO OPEN UP AND SHARE
MY FEELINGS SO SOON AFTER MY TRAGIC LOSS I'M ALSO VERY SORRY ABOUT YOUR
LOSSES...