Memory Creation when a baby dies
Memory packages in mid to late pregnancy have traditionally contained,
a photo, hand and footprints, name card, name bands, and probably
a clipping of hair.
It can be quite difficult to take handprints. Two people, one to hold
the card steady and the other to place the baby’s hand can be useful. Rolling
the hand onto and off the paper is also a technique to try. If you want
several copies of a foot or hand print it may be better to photocopy the
print rather than risk smudging the ink by making multiple copies. Some
hospitals use pastel paint rather than ink as it is somewhat easier to
remove, particularly if you have a baby whose skin is fragile or peeling.
Regarding hair, it is a good idea to place hair in a tiny cellophane
bag held together with ribbon or perhaps stapled to a piece of card rather
than sticky taping it to a card as sticky tape loses its stick over years.
If you have a choice take hair from the back of the baby’s head. If it
is not possible to cut a lock with scissors it may still be possible to
shave some fuzz with a dry razor.
If you want to keep the baby with them for several days after
the death then you need to try to preserve the baby as far as is possible.
Keeping the baby on an upright slope reduces postmortem bruising as well
as minimising bleeding from the baby’s nose. Ice blocks under the mattress
of the cot can also help.
Taking photos:
It is extremely important to take good photos of the baby. Whilst
few of us have the skill of an Ann Geddes we still need to kept some simple
tips in the back of our minds as we take these precious photos.
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The background needs to be appropriate, pastels or large baby prints.
Take time to arrange the background so it doesn’t look like you have
just dumped the baby on a sheet and taken a quick photo. Avoid a background
that is too strong a contrast for the baby. Premmie red and surgical green
are not a good look and is best avoided.
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Take as many different aspects of the baby as possible both naked and
clothed. Memories fade and many parents forget they saw their baby naked
at all. Some feel that they can’t remember seeing the gender of their baby
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When taking group shots arrange the group in a triangle around
the baby rather than a straight line as this kind of shot has a warmer
feel
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Include at least one shot of the family in the room where the baby was
born
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When taking photos of family members, wait a few moments for the person
to start interacting with the baby and the photo will be more meaningful.
Ask the person to look at the baby rather than at the camera. People will
smile more naturally at the baby rather than at the camera at this sad
time
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Wrap the baby loosely, a tightly wrapped baby may give an Egyptian
“mummy” like image.
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Arrange the baby so he looks as much like a sleeping baby as possible.
Placing the baby on his side may be a way of achieving this.
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This photo is probably one
of the best that I have ever seen of a stillborn baby, the background,
the clothing, the clarity and the attention to detail all combine to make
it a quite beautiful and precious photo for this family)
As well as taking photos of the baby it is important to show some interaction
photos with the parents, by this I mean photos that show the parents with
their baby, cuddling , kissing bathing etc. These reassure the parents,
when memories fade in years to come, that they did indeed kiss and cuddle
and parent their baby .
Likewise it is important that photos are taken with all significant
family members ie grandparents, aunts , uncles and surviving siblings.
If the baby is expected to die in the neonatal period try to take
at least one photo with the baby’s eyes open.
Parents of stillborn babies may also be able to create a memento
of a baby with its eyes open by gently opening the baby’s eyes. One bereaved
mother really wanted a photo of her deceased baby with her eyes open. The
mother applied some gentle tension to the baby’s forehead, above her eyes
and this was enough to open her eyes. She then placed her other hand over
the hand applying tension to make it appear as though she was stroking
the baby’s head.
If a video is available encourage the parents to take some video.
Although the baby isn’t moving you can still take video of parents cuddling,
and bathing etc.
Aside from the photos other things you can also include in the memory
package are the :
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disposable tape measure that was used to measure the baby, this is precious
because it has touched the baby.
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a cord clamp, you need to put on two and then remove one, Don’t
break the clamp into two pieces in the usual way, rather lever it open
with a nappy pin.
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fingernails: it is best to gently tear these, then they can be placed
in a cellophane bag.
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A kiss print can be obtained by putting lipstick on the baby’ lips and
then pressing them to a piece of soft paper like tissue paper.
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If a CTG was done during pregnancy ask for a reactive segment to be
photocopied and included in the package.
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Many pathologists will X-ray the baby prior to autopsy, parents may
then be able to get a copy of the x-ray
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The baby’s outline can be traced onto an appropriate piece of paper.
This outline gives the parents a permanent record of the baby’s size. Any
living siblings can also have their outline traced on to butchers paper.
They can also have their handprints/footprints taken and kept. This can
make a very special memento for them as they grow and later
reflect on their loss.
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Clay imprints and /or plaster moulds can be made. Another site you might
like to know about is this one http://www.babyimpressions.com/infock.htm
you can purchase lovely kits for creating a crystal hand print or mould.
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Anything the baby wore or touched is usually treasured, this may
include clothing, soft toys and baby blankets and / or quilts these may
carry the baby’s scent.
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It is possible to Gold plate or bronze items the baby wore or touched.
Leather Baby shoes can be dipped in gold or bronzed. One bereaved mother
even had a dummy Gold plated, this is her story::
When we went to the funeral parlour to see our baby for
the last time I was upset to see that his lips had darkened and his mouth
was slightly open. I explained to the funeral director that I had anticipated
the opportunity to take more photos but that I didn’t want photos of my
baby looking that way. The funeral director suggested that I purchase a
dummy and take the photos with this in his mouth. After I had taken the
photos I took the dummy home and subsequently had it dipped in gold,
now it is a very treasured memento which sits on the mantelpiece along
with his photo. Click to go to a
links page for Bronze and Gold plate sites
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Mementos that parents will usually treasure the most are anything
that is actually from the baby like hair and fingernails
or anything that is 3 D like foot and hand moulds,
clay imprints. These are usually particularly precious
because they prove the baby was real and help parents remember
the size and shape of their baby. One parent says of this kind of memento
“its like still having a piece of him. ” Click to go
to a links page for imprints and casts.
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The entire memento package can be kept in a special baby box,
or parts can be framed, anything that's flat and reminds you of your child
can be placed in a scrap book . A really nice purpose "built" memory album
has been published by Speranza
Publishing. The album (cover below) "treasured memories..the story
of our baby"can be used for a neonatal death. It features a padded, wipeable
three ring folder with various pages. The pages, each with a lovely
decorative border, can be filled in by the family and feature headings
like: "All about Mom", "All about Dad", "Special measurements" "Precious
Prints" Pages that are not applicable to your situation can be used as
photograph pages. Speranza also publish a book especially for stillbirth.
Called "Treasured in our Hearts" it is a book which can be filled in to
become your personal account of the pregnancy and stillbirth of your precious
baby.
One father described leaving his baby at the hospital like “ripping
his arm off and leaving it behind” It is often beneficial for the family
to take the baby home. It is perfectly possible for the family to
go home with the baby and have the funeral director pick the baby up from
the home. Some families take this opportunity to “show” the baby their
home, placing him in his bassinet. Some may take the baby for a walk in
his stroller. Others will bath the baby.