Tristan
My pregnancy was a very good one. I had no complications or problems and
everything was going well. I had one sonogram done and everything looked
great. I was due on June 7 1996. On May 16th, I had a doctor appointment
and all was well, we heard the heart beat and all.
Then on May 17th, me and a friend of mine went to Wal Mart around 9
o'clock at night. We were walking around the store and I felt something
wet
between my legs. I was a little worried, but didn't want to cause a scene.
I
started getting pains and we left. I didn't think they were labor pains,
as I was
only 36 weeks along.
I went home and went to the bathroom and saw what I thought at the
time was my mucus plug. It was a dark greenish brown color and I called
the
hospital because I didn't know what to do. I explained to them the color
of
the mucus plug and they told me to time the pains and if they got worse
to
come in.
At 12 midnight, my mom and I drove to the hospital because there
was no
doubt that I was in labor because the pains were coming 4 minutes
apart. I
was getting excited, but I was a little worried because I wasn't due until
June 7th.
We got to the hospital, got checked in and I was put in bed. That's when
things
went bad. It took 3 or 4 nurses to try and find the baby's heart beat.
They heard
mine, but no baby. I was a little worried, but at the time, I was in a
lot of pain
and didn't really think about it.
The nurses left and went to get the doctor. As me and my mom waited, I
kept hearing my heart beat, but no baby. Then I knew something was wrong.
The doctor came in and did a sonogram. At first, I couldn't see the TV,
but
I knew something was wrong, I saw the look on my doctor's face and he was
taking a long time. I finally got a glimpse of the TV and that's when I
knew.
I saw
my baby, but he wasn't moving and I saw that the heart wasn't
beating. The doctor turned to me and said I am very sorry. I just sat there
for a minute in shock. My mom asked what was wrong, she didn't understand
what was going on. The nurse turned to her and said, "she lost the baby,
the
baby is dead." When I head the nurse
say that, I lost it. I started
screaming " no, no, no" over and over, then "why, why, why." I just
couldn't
believe that my baby was dead and gone. The doctor said that because I
was
all ready in active labor and was dilated 6 centimetres, they would let
me deliver naturally. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
At 2:56 am, on May 18, 1996 Tristan Lee Garrison came weighing 4 pounds,
7
ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long.
At the time, I didn't know the sex of the baby. Me and my mom kept looking
over to see the baby. They cleaned him up and brought him to
me. When I saw
that he was a boy, I cried even harder, because I use to joke that
if God gave
me a boy, I was going to send him back, because I wanted a
girl.
I still feel guilty to this day for saying that. I held him and unwrapped
him and
looked him over from head to toe. He was perfect. He had long arms
and legs
just like me and his daddy's nose.
I kept waiting for him to open up his eyes and start crying, but he
never did.
They took a few photos of him for me and then they took him away
from me.
I didn't see my precious baby boy again until the wake. I had an open
casket so everyone could see my beautiful baby boy. It was so hard to see
him laying there so still. I wanted to pick him up so bad and hold him
in my
arms again. I probably would have, if no one was around.
Next came the funeral. I didn't think I would be able to make it through.
I
barely remember the service. I was crying so hard and so loud I am sure
the
whole world could hear me. I had a quilt over the casket and that made
it a
little easier to look at it. I said my final goodbye to my Tristan, as
they laid
him in the ground.
It's almost been 2 years, and the pain is still here. It will never go
away, but it
gets easier with time. I still think about him a lot and wonder how
different my
life would have been if he were here. But he is here with me and
he always be.
He's in my heart and he will forever stay in my heart.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
Becki mom to Tristan Lee sb May 18, 1996 and Korbin Sept. 17, 1997