Tristan
                        My pregnancy was a very good one. I had no complications or problems and
                      everything was going well. I had one sonogram done and everything looked
                      great. I was due on June 7 1996. On May 16th, I had a doctor appointment
                              and all was well, we heard the heart beat and all.
                             Then on May 17th, me and a friend of mine went to Wal Mart around 9
                             o'clock at night. We were  walking around the store and I felt something wet
                             between my legs. I was a little worried, but didn't want to cause a scene. I
                             started getting pains and we left. I didn't think they were labor pains, as I was
                             only 36 weeks along.
                             I went home and went to the bathroom and saw what I thought at the
                     time was my mucus plug. It was a dark greenish brown color and I called the
                  hospital because I didn't know what to do. I explained to them the color of
                the mucus plug and they told me to time the pains and if they got worse to
                             come in.
                    At 12 midnight,  my mom and I drove to the hospital because there was no
                             doubt  that I was in labor because the pains were coming 4 minutes apart. I
                             was getting excited, but I was a little worried because I wasn't due until June 7th.
                             We got to the hospital, got checked in and I was put in bed. That's when things
                             went bad. It took 3 or 4 nurses to try and find the baby's heart beat. They heard
                             mine, but no baby. I was a little worried, but at the time, I was in a lot of pain
                             and didn't really think about it.
               The nurses left and went to get the doctor. As me and my mom waited, I
                      kept hearing my heart beat, but no baby. Then I knew something was wrong.
                The doctor came in and did a sonogram. At first, I couldn't see the TV, but
                      I knew something was wrong, I saw the look on my doctor's face and he was
                  taking a long time. I finally got a glimpse of the TV and that's when I  knew.
       I saw my baby, but he wasn't moving and I saw that the heart wasn't
                beating. The doctor turned to me and said I am very sorry. I just sat there
                      for a minute in shock. My mom asked what was wrong, she didn't understand
                   what was going on. The nurse turned to her and said, "she lost the baby, the
  baby is dead." When I head the nurse say that, I lost it. I started
                     screaming " no, no, no" over and over,  then "why, why, why." I just couldn't
                      believe that my baby was dead and gone. The doctor said that because I was
         all ready in active labor and was dilated 6 centimetres, they would let
        me deliver naturally. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
                             At 2:56 am, on May 18, 1996 Tristan Lee Garrison came weighing 4 pounds, 7
                             ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long.
                             At the time, I didn't know the sex of the baby. Me and my mom kept looking
                             over to see the baby. They cleaned  him  up and brought him to me. When I saw
                             that he was a boy, I cried even  harder, because I use to joke that if God gave
                             me a  boy, I was going to  send him back, because I wanted a girl.
                             I still feel guilty to this day for  saying that. I held him and unwrapped him and
                             looked him over from head to  toe. He was perfect. He had long arms and legs
                             just like me and his daddy's  nose.
                                   

                             I kept waiting for him to open up his eyes and start crying, but he  never did.
                             They took a few photos of him for me and then they took him away
                             from me.

           I didn't see my precious baby boy again until the wake. I had an open
                  casket so everyone could see my beautiful baby boy. It was so hard to see
                  him laying there so still. I wanted to pick him up so bad and hold him in my
                             arms again. I probably would have, if no one was around.
                Next came the funeral. I didn't think I would be able to make it through. I
                    barely remember the service. I was crying so hard and so loud I am sure the
                  whole world could hear me. I had a quilt over the casket and that made it a
                little easier to look at it. I said my final goodbye to my Tristan, as they laid
                             him in the ground.

                             It's almost been 2 years, and the pain is still here. It will never go away, but it
                             gets easier with time. I still think about him a lot and  wonder how different my
                             life would have been if he were here. But he is  here with me and he always be.
                             He's in my heart and he will forever stay in my heart.
 
                             Thank you for letting me share my story.

 
               Becki mom to Tristan Lee sb May 18, 1996 and Korbin Sept. 17, 1997
 
 
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