This is the story of my son Varun Sundaram Shankar who died at the age of 3 & 1/2 months.   My dear baby boy was born on 03/26/00, 7 weeks early, weighing 3.4 lbs. He refused to efficiently swallow the amniotic fluid which resulted in a pre-mature delivery via an emergency C-Section. The amniotic sac just couldn't take the pressure any longer. Since his birth, my son remained on a respirator, till he died. He was not an "efficient" breather. He contracted some infection or the other, while in the neo-natal ICU. He was on TPN (intravenous fluids). He could not be fed milk as it would get into his lungs from his stomach. At least 4 times, he went into death dives and miraculously escaped. The problem was that after being on the respirator for so long, he developed other problems like Renal failure, water retention, etc. He ended up getting an enlarged spleen, jaundice due to the extended TPN use and an enlarged heart due to the stress on his heart when he got into renal failure. The doctors poked him and stuck him with thousands of needles to do blood tests to find out what was wrong with him. They did a muscle biopsy (said that he wasn't moving too much, however, they never told me that he was kept sedated) and a nerve biopsy. They did two MRI's to find out if his brain was all right. The first MRI was normal, but the second showed a problem. They declared "He has Myelination problem". His nerves were not coated properly with myelin  and his brain showed two uniform patches on either side which is due to insufficient myelination". "Myelin" is the fatty coating on the nerves which allows nerves to transmit messages. Needless to say, we were all terrified. Everyone looked at my baby as if he was abnormal. On July 12th, the hospital performed a procedure on him to fix the respirator at his throat and a feeding tube in his intestine. They failed to provide him with blood before hand. They knew that he was low on blood count. After a successful operation, they started sticking him again with needles trying to find an artery. They stuck him over and over again. All his arteries were scarred to due too many needles. He was stressed with the operation and the needles sticking. He got into Renal failure and then finally into heart failure. I saw his heart rate go down till it touched zero. He died on July 13th. This little baby boy, my son, my blood, has suffered in his short life, what people don't go though in their lifetime. For all the mothers out there who have lost a baby during pregnancy or immediately after birth, tell yourselves "At least my baby did not suffer". Losing my son was difficult, but knowing the pain he has gone through tortures me over and over again. I only wish that God had taken him away immediately. Having a tube stuck down your throat, needles being stuck into you everyday, unknown hands groping you, heart and kidneys going into failure, biopsies and operations being done to you, not being able to cry, to express rage.....I cannot bear the thought of it. I wonder how he put up with it. After his death, the hospital did an autopsy and we found out that his brain was perfectly normal and he had no myelination problems. All the genes and chromosomes known to man were tested and everything was normal. The last MRI was wrong and so was the nerve biopsy. The autopsy results are always right. The hospital has run several post death tests and they still don't know what was wrong with my baby.   Here is a poem that I wrote soon after his death. It may not rhyme very well, but this is how I feel- "MY LITTLE ANGEL FROM HEAVEN" YOU CAME INTO OUR LIVES SUDDENLY YOU SPENT ALL YOUR TIME ASLEEP A TINY LITTLE SCRAP OF HUMANITY WHO COULDN'T BREATHE, EAT OR WEEP WITHOUT BEING PREPARED FOR LIFE ON THIS EARTH YOU BECAME SO MUCH A PART OF OUR LIVES A LITTLE BABY BEE WHO WAS PUSHED OUT EARLY FROM HIS HIVE WE WATCHED YOU ALL THE TIME WONDERING WHEN YOU WOULD COME HOME SOMEHOW, YOU GOT IT INTO YOUR MIND TO SPEND YOUR LIFE ALONE NO MOTHER TO HUG YOU NO FATHER TO CARE NO GRANDPARENTS TO SPOIL YOU OF NONE OF THIS, WERE YOU AWARE THAT YOU WERE NOT NORMAL THE DOCTORS WERE TRYING TO PROVE HAVING NO CONSIDERATION OF WHAT IT WOULD DO TO ME, OR YOU STILL YOU WENT THROUGH EVERYTHING EVERY TORTUROUS THING THAT THEY DID TO YOU WITHOUT A TEAR, SO PATIENTLY TAKING EVERY SINGLE ABUSE RIGHT TILL THE BITTER END YOU WAGED YOUR BATTLE AGAINST SICKNESS BUT YOUR REAL ENEMIES WERE THE HOSPITAL WHO PUT YOU THOUGH SO MUCH STRESS IF ONLY THEY GAVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROVE THAT YOU COULD DO IT ON YOUR OWN YOU COULD HAVE MADE IT MY BABY I'M SURE THAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DROWNED BUT NO, THEY STUCK TO THEIR SCIENCE WHICH DIDN'T REALLY HELP ALL IT DID WAS MAKE YOU MORE SICK AND PUSHED YOU AROUND THE BEND YOUR LAST DAY, THEY CLAIMED THAT YOU WERE DEAD MY HERO, YOU WAITED TILL I CAME YOU WIGGLED YOUR LITTLE BODY AND OPENED YOUR EYES AND PUT THEM ALL TO SHAME IF THERE IS ONE THING MY BABY THAT I COULD REDO TO THAT OPERATION ROOM I WOULD NEVER HAVE LET YOU GO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED MAYBE YOU'D BE SICKER OR MAYBE BETTER ANYTHING IS WORTH THE EFFORT OF JUST HAVING YOU HERE I MISS YOUR SOFT LITTLE BODY BEAUTIFUL EYES AND BOW SHAPED MOUTH YOUR TINY LITTLE CHIN THAT I LOVED I NOW HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT COME BACK TO ME HONEY I FEEL SO MUCH PAIN MY LIFE WILL NOT BE COMPLETE UNTIL I HOLD YOU AGAIN MY LITTLE ANGEL FROM HEAVEN WHY DID YOU FLY AWAY WAS IT TOO PAINFUL FOR YOU TO WAIT JUST ANOTHER DAY? FROM MUMMY     The only thing that brings me peace is that, being a Hindu, I believe in re-birth. I know that one day, Varun will come back and give me the chance to show him the good things in life.