Jokes And Stories

Dumb Criminals

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

In Colorado Springs a guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

In Oklahoma City Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

In Detroit R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Heaven's Store

I was walking down life's highway a long time ago. One day I saw a sign that read, "HEAVEN'S GROCERY STORE." As I got a little closer the door came open wide, and when I came to myself I was standing inside. I saw a host of ANGELS. They were standing everywhere. Onehanded me a basket and said, "My Child shop with care". Everything a Christian needed was in that grocery store. And all you couldn't carry, you could come back the next day for more. First, I got some PATIENCE. LOVE was in the same row. Further down was UNDERSTANDING: you need that everywhere you go. I got a box or two of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH. I just couldn't miss the HOLY GHOST, for it was all over the place. I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help me run this race. By then my basket was getting full, but I remembered I needed some GRACE. I didn't forget SALVATION, for SALVATION was free, so I tried to get enough of that to save both you and me. Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill, for I thought I had everything to do the MASTER'S will. As I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER: and I just had to put that in, for I knew when I stepped outside, I would run into sin. PEACE AND JOY are plentiful; they were last on the shelf. SONG and PRAISE were hanging near, so I just helped myself. Then I said to the angel, "Now, how much do I owe?" He smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go." Again, I smiled and said, "How much do I reallyowe?" He smiled again and said, "MY CHILD, JESUS PAID YOUR BILL A LONG, LONG TIME AGO." "ALL THINGS WHAT SO EVER YOU SHALL ASK IN PRAYER, BELIEVING, YOU SHALL RECEIVE." (MATTHEW 21:22)

The Power of Prayer

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6

A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan. While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I travelled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival In the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time witnessed to him of the Lord Jesus Christ. I then travelled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident. Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried money and medicines. He said, "Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards." At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone out in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, "No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you lone." At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day that this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date, and the man who interrupted told him this story: "On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong, I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?" The men who had met together that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with who they were--he was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26. This story is an incredible example of how the spirit of the Lord moves in mysterious ways. If you ever hear such prodding, go along with it. Nothing is ever hurt by prayer except the gates of hell. I encourage you to forward this to as many people as you know. If we all take it to heart, we can turn this world towards Christ once again.

"Burglar in the House"

A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the darkness comes a voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus". The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. After ten minutes, nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus". The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle. After thirty minutes, he decides that he has to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sitting in a cage, is a cockatoo who says, "I can see you and so can Jesus". Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, "It's just a cocky". The cocky looks at the burglar and says, "I might be just a cocky but Jesus is a big Rottweiler".

The religious light bulb jokes

1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
"One to change the light bulb nine to pray against the spirit of darkness."

2. How many Calvinist does it take to change a light bulb?
"None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinist do not change light bulbs. they simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to change."

3. How many Baptist does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change????"

4. How many Neo-Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
"No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness."

5. How many TV Evangelist does it take to change a light bulb?
"One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today."

6. How many Independent Fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Only one, because any more might result in to much cooperation."

7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
"At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light."

8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
"None. They always use candles.

9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
"One. But soon all those around can warm up to itsglowing."

10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
"One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the oldone."

11. How many Nazarenes doe it take to change a light bulb?
"One to change the bulb, nine to serve the dinner."

12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
"This statement was issued: 'We choose not to make a statement either in favor or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it nest month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valued paths to luminescence."


Married Men Joke

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to gowith St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long.On the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! "Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" And the man said "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

"Click on the area you want "

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