IN SEARCH OF GOD

The Testimony of Pastor Thomas F. Pangan

When people ask me to share my Christian testimony I somewhat feel inadequate ... simply because, in my twenty-four years of being a believer and follower of my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, Almighty God has taken a heathen such as I and transformed him into one who has become righteous in His eyes. Thanks to the blood of His only begotten Son, who died on the cross that by believing in Him, I should not perish, but have everlasting life.
 

I often ask myself: "How can I possibly contain in words the awesome wonders of God’s love and mercies towards me?" By faith I believed that God came in the person of Jesus Christ to save a sinner like me from eternal damnation. His sacrifice on the cross ... His willingness to shed His precious blood and die for me ... His resurrection ... and His ascension to the right hand of The Father, lends well to my belief that there is a God and He is a God of love.
 

I may not have been there when Jesus calmed the stormy sea. I may not have been there when He fed the multitude. I may not have been there when He performed miracles ... of healing the sick, causing a blind man to see again, raised the dead from the grave. I may not have been there when He spoke of "loving my enemies," or calling those who should follow Him, His brothers. I may not have been there when He promised that to see Him is to see God. I may not have been there in His physical presence, but my faith has placed me at the front of that empty cross daily. And for as long as my faith is strengthen daily by The Holy Spirit, I know for certain that all of what was said of Jesus and of His wondrous work of salvation, has given me the greatest gift that any one person can ever receive. He took me to be His own.
 

I look back at the past twenty-four years of my life and marvel at His grace and His never-ending patience with a sinner such as I.
 

My story begun in the autumn of 1974. If anyone should be satisfied with life, I certainly should have been because I had -- what I thought then -- all the things that any man could possibly need and want; a family, a lucrative career, professional and social status, a self-made individual who had all, but wanted more. Yet, with all this prosperity, what I wanted the most I could not seem to get my hands on. What I wanted the most was "peace and contentment." What can I do to get this? Where could I go to find it? How much do I need to buy it? The answer to all these disturbing questions consumed me to the point that I realized there was a void in my life that no one or nothing could fill; an emptiness inside that gnawed at me to the point that I gave up all in search for what I had been yearning for.
 

In September of 1975, having no reason or purpose, I left all the things that were of value to me, only to find myself as a stranger in a strange environment, without any reasoning why I was there. I found myself in Honolulu, Hawaii with a fistful of money and a small suitcase in hand. "I’m going to live it up for tomorrow I may die," was the order of the day.
 

Confused and somewhat afraid by the absence of familiar faces and familiar surroundings, I called my (former) wife 3,000 miles away in California. Through her prodding, I found a place to stay. One of her cousins lived in the city and he offered me to visit and stay for as long as I wanted to in his apartment. Here, away from my own environment, away from all the things that reminded me of how miserable a life I’d been living, I thought I'd find solace and a moment of solitude.
 

In the evening of the second day, having temporarily settled into the apartment, I experienced the day of my reckoning. My (former) wife’s cousin had stepped out for the evening and I was left in the apartment by myself. It was close to 8 p.m. when, out of distress and loneliness, out of a need to know why I was here and not home where I belonged, that I found myself coming out of a chair where I had been sitting, and unto the floor on my knees, looking upward unto the ceiling, with tears in my eyes, calling for this someone people called God.
 

To this day, I recall very vividly that moment in time when I believe God answered my prayer for the first time in my life. As if coming out of a trance, I heard my own voice audibly saying, "Come back! Please come back!" Some may call it only a day dream, an imagination of the sorts. I call it God’s answer to my rebellious spirit who could not stand any more pain and came to comfort me.
 

I had seen the glory of Him who is above all. The scene was clearly one of beauty; a place of serenity. I was standing in the midst of an open field, lush with greenish vegetation. The sky was conspicuously blue with pure, white clouds scattered about. Over the horizon I saw a figure of a person, so distant way, but there was a glowness on and around him. He was coming towards me in a steady, but deliberate pace. As he neared, I tried to see his face, but what I saw was beyond description; I saw no features yet I knew he came for me.
 

Upon his approach, he raised his right hand and placed upon my right shoulder. "Don’t be afraid any more," I heard his voice uttered. "All is well." And with those last three words, he turned away from me and walked towards where he can come from.
 

The tears in my eyes become more profuse. I sighed with a renewed breath, though trembled at what I had just experienced. "I don’t belong here," I told myself. "I need to go home." That same evening, I headed for the Honolulu Airport without any idea of where I wanted to go. Washington came to mine. I have a brother there that would welcome me until I sort things out.
 

Two weeks passed and I felt some relief from the distress of life and purposed to cope with reality. I wanted to live again. I wanted to live with my children with me. I wanted to live a new life void of emptiness. I called my (former) wife and shared what had happened. "I am willing to try it again," I told her. If you feel the same, call for the nearest moving company and transport our belongings to Washington; and you and the boys come join me."
 

My search was over ... Praise God! it’s over. For much of my life there had always been lingering questions in my mind about life in general: Who am I? Why was I born? Who is this thing called God? Where is God? Does He exist?
 

I found answers to some of these riddling questions that gnawed at me periodically. In a little church in Puyallup Valley, Washington, I had come to know and believe that I am just a stranger passing through this time period called "life." It was on a Wednesday evening (midweek service) at a small church called Camelot Evangelical Free Church, when I was introduced to this person named Jesus Christ. By evening’s end, I committed my life to this person whom little I knew of before. But, by faith, I believed and accepted Jesus Christ as Lord of My Life.
 

Never, in my wildest dreams, that a sinner such as I could ever be perfect; though I was good and kind and gentle, I thought this would be enough to get me to heaven. Little did I know that no man, no religion, no philosophical lifestyle, no doing good could ever get me anywhere, let alone heaven. But Jesus changed all that for me. For when I was a sinner, He forgave me! And offered the greatest gift which no money, prestige or life status could ever buy -- He offered me freedom and independence from the world. He offered me freedom and independence from myself.
 

Jesus Christ, the Great I AM, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and The End, had called me one of His own... and for this I praise Almighty God, My father, daily. I was no longer a servant to sin -- or to myself -- I had become a fellow-heir with Christ Jesus, My Lord. In Him, I find comfort. In Him I find solace from a troubled life. In Him I find peace that is beyond all human understanding.
 

Through my Lord’s death on the cross at Calvary -- and His ascension to The Father of all creation (Almighty God!), I am called a "brother" by Jesus. Truly, by the Holy Spirit which indwells me today, I can boast of life everlasting. Truly by His wise counsel, I fear not though I may walk in the midst of the wicked, for by His hand, He guides me daily, in thought, in action, and in deed.
 

The Father of Abraham has become The Father of this sinful gentile. Jesus Christ, whom His own people rejected, has become my light through a darken world; and The Holy Spirit has become my personal teacher and counsel in all matters of my earthly life.
 

O How is it that man cannot see the glory of an ever-loving, ever-merciful God that we have? "Truly no man comes to the Father but by me," says my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. By faith I have been saved. By faith I live a life of hope. By faith, I shall be translated one day into the heaven of heavens and enjoy everlasting fellowship with Him. But until that day comes, His goodness and mercies shall follow me where ever I may go.
 

In the complicated world that we live in, there is only one answer, and one answer alone to all the questions that mankind can ever perceive -- that answer lies in believing and accepting Jesus Christ as his/her personal Saviour.