Kid Anymore
by Betty Jean M
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I was so eager to be loved and have a family of my own I got married at age 15 to a man who was Catholic and I was instructed in the Roman Catholic faith. At 19 I was baptized Catholic although I never believed in their doctrine. I also didn't like sending my kids to Catholic schools but I did. Years later when the marriage ended I left the Catholic Church with my children. We didn't go to any church for a long time. When my children were teenagers I tried to get back in church. Through a son's drug problems in Teen Challenge, I wound up in a Pentecostal Church, which was full of emotion and a lot of crying and things I didn't understand, but I kept going because I wanted to be near to GOD. I knew It wasn't right for me in that church either, so I finally left there. Then we didn't go to church anywhere for a long time. I was browsing through a Christian book store one day because I had decided I wanted to be saved too like I heard people talking about. I then visited a Four Square Church and that's not where I felt I needed to be either, so back to going nowhere again. After many years I started talking with a cousin who lives in Texas. I asked her if they still went to that little country Baptist church she went to when we were kids. I had lived with them a few summers and we went there. The preacher always made me scared of the devil when he would slam his fist down on the pulpit preaching about hell, fire, and brimstone. It left an impression on me ever since, but I eventually dismissed it. I became, what some people labeled me as, a church hopper, but I knew I needed to get saved. I had met and married again. I joined a Methodist church, which was a mistake because I never got my spirit fed there and never came away feeling like I had been to church. They had a female pastor and she didn't really seem to be quoting from the Scriptures in the Bible. She would just tell little short stories about her life, so I soon wanted to leave, I had joined because I thought I was supposed to follow my husband. I finally left there and started church hopping again by myself. I ran into a Pentecostal lady talking about being born again and listened as she "got someone saved." I got up and went over to her and said I wanted to be born again also. She had me say the "born again" prayer with her and she told me I was saved. So I thought I was happy and saved but I was far from happy. My marriage was dysfunctional and lonely and I still didn't feel loved. I did everything I could to make myself happy to no avail. My kids were all grown with families of their own now. One day I got a beautiful Web site sent to me, by whom I have never been able to figure out. Seems like it was a forward by someone I didn't know. It was called The Home of The Prodigal Son. I would read it over and over, especially when I felt troubled which was most of the time. I would look at a beautiful picture of Jesus looking down on the earth with tears on his cheeks and I would cry every time. I felt so bad knowing that I made Jesus cry but I was too weak to do anything about it. I spent most of my time kidding myself into thinking I was happy but when I would get home all the unhappiness was there waiting for me. The owner of the web site had his testimony on there and I would read it over and over again. One day I just had to know from where that web site came. At the bottom of the page was an E Mail address. It said contact The Prodigal Son by E Mail: Prodigal52@aol.com. I got up the nerve finally to write to the Prodigal52. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. For three years I conversed with a Baptist Minister from Louisville, Ky. I was thrilled as I am from the South and he is too, so we became friends. I needed to talk to someone and I knew that counselors had done me no good. I would tell the pastor I was also saved. I knew I was supposed to be, had been told I was and yet something way deep inside kept bothering me, I really was never sure I was saved. I has been misled by so many well meaning people. I was told that speaking in tongues was the way to get save or falling down when touched by an evangelist at a tent revivals. My preacher friend kept sending me Scriptures I would read, but not really understand. Every time I would tell him about how rotten my life was he would tell me I needed Jesus in my life. He did this over and over again. He never tried to tell me that I was lost and needed to be saved. He would advise me every time that I talked to him about the loneliness and lack of love in my life that I needed Jesus in my life. Whatever the problem he had the same solution, Jesus. I began to think maybe he thought I was not saved. I kept trying to tell him I got saved a long time ago, but inside I was sure doubtful and too embarrassed to tell him I was not sure at all. I was afraid I was lost and didn't want to admit it. False pride. I wanted to be saved and know for sure and yet I was full of doubt. He just kept sending me Scriptures. Some I would read and some I didn't because the sin in my life was bothering me and I was guilt ridden. Yet, I still was trying to keep the pastor liking me and thinking I was one of them, saved...wrong. He would always be there whenever I wanted to talk, no matter how busy he was. By then I was getting more and more troubled. One day I emailed the pastor and asked him to just tell me what he thought and not to spare my feeling. The next morning. it was a Saturday, there was an email from Pastor Ron, he really let me have it with both barrels. He told me just where I was and what I was doing and where I was going. Though I had asked him not to spare my feeling I really didn't want to hear what he told me. He just seemed to be telling me off. I got angry, very angry at him and I talk back to him in my anger because he was hitting home and I was getting insulted. I started crying and talking back and trying to disagree with him for all I was worth. Then I said I never really was sure I was saved at all. I was very upset and began to sob. Pastor Ron knew all along that I was not saved and I was in doubt too all these years trying to believe that I was saved and wondering why I didn't feel any different. I got mad with him and stopped typing and just sat at my computer, quiet and thinking. All of a sudden I got this very powerful urge to get on my knees immediately. I didn't really know at first what was going on. I went to my bed and dropped to my knees and just everything began to roll out of me I was sobbing and talking right out loud to JESUS. I don't know how long I was on my knees and sobbing my heart out and confessing my sins, the same sins that I had always tried to justify. All I knew was I needed JESUS. When I quieted I got up and sat back in my computer chair. I just sat there quiet not knowing what had just happened to me. It was a quiet like I never experienced before. A different kind of quiet. It was beautiful. It was a strong sense of peace that I had never sensed before. It was not a just a feeling but a a knowing deep inside of me all of a sudden, that everything was okay and that I was truly loved and I was forgiven. I could feel HIS love in me. I truly knew that I was saved. I had always been so afraid of death but now I was so filled with joy, happiness, forgiveness, and love. I was filled with it and I knew I was finally SAVED. I looked up and said to JESUS, "You know I have always been terrified to die." I said out loud these exact words, "JESUS at this very minute, if you want me to die, I am ready and you can make me fall out of my chair and be dead," and I meant every word of it because I knew if HE did it I would be with HIM for eternity. I am still not afraid to die. It's all gone. But the best part is that I'm not afraid to live either. I began to type back to my pastor friend in a whole different way. I was filled with joy, happiness, love, and forgiveness. I am no longer a throw away kid. I am a child of GOD. GOD is my real father and I was not an accident. HE put me here for a purpose. All my life I felt rejected, unloved, ugly, dumb, stupid. this is what my mother would tell me. I felt that no one would ever want me or love me. For the very first time in my life, I am whole. I truly LOVE JESUS and I love the most wonderful pastor friend I will ever have. He is a treasure to me sent by GOD. |
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