The world where shadows rule..

I have walked both sides of the ledge, in darkness and in light, and have been accepted into both..
Walking the shadows is a thin line, and I can feel both sides pulling me..drawing me away from where I stand..
After seeing the brightest of lights I know I could walk that path, but then again in my heart I can see myself in the darkest of places..
There is safety in the shadows.. one day the ledge I tread will be no more and a choice will come, where to go from there?

Its strange, you can watch all these movies about someone who goes away for a while and for most of the time they are gone they are holding on to the past, but then all of a sudden, just before they go home, they have an epiphany of sorts and things change for them.
This has happened to me, I know this, and in some ways it is a good thing, it has helped me get in touch with who I want to be, but what happens when who I am becoming is looking across that line, thinking how easy it would be just too walk over there.
In many ways I am confused, and I am not ashamed to admit that. I know that there are things that I want but can not have, maybe one day, but not now. So what do you do? Do you wait for your chance to see if things change? Go on as if what you want doesn't matter, and just try to forget about it, even though you know it will haunt your thoughts? Or do you try your best, to get what you want, despite the cost? Tough choice, one I don't know how to make just yet.
So for now I will wait and watch..
There are many things that can drive you, and I can feel them all pushing me this way and that, knowing that to give into one would show me a path to go despite the others. Fear.. love.. jealousy.. loyalty.. friendship.. desire.. so many things being felt, so many paths to choose from.. searching for the truth of self, finding the key to the puzzle that is life..

Sometimes hands are tied by fear, and sometimes by honor and loyalty. Is a deal a deal? or are there times when your word can be broken? Is selfishness a reason ? interesting thoughts.. if an agreement is made and one person changes the nature but not the spirit of the agreement does the original deal hold? or are we now subject to a new agreement?
Why do I do it? why do I let myself be ruled by fear and honor? an odd combination to be sure.. why can I not speak that which I long to speak? fear? fear of knowing the truth to my dreams.. honor.. well that one binds more than anything..
Do people really want to know the truth? of course everyone says yes, and I agree with that, but a truth tempered with compassion, no foolish truths either.. and what is truth anyways? just because something is true to you does not mean that it is truly the way it is.. truth is like light through a crystal, it can be different everyway you look at it but that doesn't make it any less true.. are there truths I would share? of course there are.. but some I have locked away, guarded by honor and fear.. one day though I will unlock them from the corner and let them be known.. but for now my honor is true.. for now
Once more I stand at the brink of hidden truths and forbidden confessions..I know what needs to be done, what I feel must be locked away once more, stored with all the secrets that I hold inside.. I wish there was another way but I know that the other choice is not an option at all... to speak the truth would be to invite disaster.. but in many ways I wish to say what I hide inside and see what happens.. however I know that I cannot.. one more thing to put in the vault..
It is necessary to put your heart out on the line, and even though you risk getting hurt, you must decide whether the risk is worth the potential reward. I say yes..however when your heart gets broken it is one of the worst feelings in the world.. you want to swear off love all forever and curse whoever hurt you.. but that's no solution.. it is better to give it some time and then when you are ready you put your heart out again and take that risk.. as much as I have loved, I have never met someone who could take that risk from me..

Just let me finish with a very famous question....
What do you want?