You Might Be A Redneck If...
From the mind of Jeff Foxworthy
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1. You need pliers to change channels on your TV.
2. You've been restrained by bailiffs in small claims court.
3. You wear a baseball cap to bed.
4. The experience of your favorite restaurant is enhanced with video tokens.
5. Your diet plan consists of light beer.
6. You meet your wife at a yard sale.
7. There was mud on the hem of your wedding dress.
8. You've recited your Miranda Rights to an animal control officer.
9. You were fired for shooting spitballs.
10. You've ever lost a bet about Cap'n Crunch being a real person.
    
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11. Your favorite wine has a screw-top.
12. Your dog's bed is a pile of dirty clothes.
13. You've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
14. You've put bumper stickers on a rental car.
15. You would rather fish than have sex.
16. You've ever snuck a spit cup into church.
17. You've moved a refrigerator on a skateboard.
18. Your children's night light is a neon beer sign.
19. Your trash collector isn't sure about what stays and what goes.
20. You've washed an entire truck with a baby wipe.
    
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21. You've ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
22. You owe more to Blockbuster Video than you do on your house.
23. You blame your divorce on "them dogs."
24. You've tightened a loose screw with your fingernail.
25. You try to make at least one crank call a day.
26. You've asked for an ashtray during a job interview.
27. You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand.
28. You've sprinted across a baseball field, naked.
29. Your favorite Mexican food is Doritos.
30. You've written to your senator about a video store late charge.
    
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31. You've never bought a car you could drive home.
32. The biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was.
33. Your wife can parallel park an eighteen-wheeler.
34. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
35. Your work number is a payphone.
36. Beer bellies run in your family.
37. You've ever gift-wrapped a tire.
38. You smuggled food out of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
39. You and your wife have the same haircut.
40. You've proposed marriage through a karaoke microphone.
    
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41. You think the three greatest inventions of all time are hot pants, four-wheelers, and ketchup.
42. There's no cut-off age for sleeping with your parents.
43. You own eleven dogs but no leashes.
44. You've ever purchased underwear and worn it out of the store.
45. Two of your weddings made America's Funniest Home Videos.
46. You leave space in your wedding album "for next time."
47. You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
48. You have a four-door car but only one door will open and close.
49. The jury returns your "guilty" verdict without leaving the courtroom.
50. It's impossible to pick up your key chain with just one hand.
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51. You can play "The Star-Spangled Banner" on your turkey call.
52. You think Beverly Hills is a topless dancer.
53. You don't have electricity in every room of your house.
54. The closest you've come to royalty is eating at Burger King.
55. Your in-laws have never spoken to you.
56. You grow your own chewing tobacco.
57. Your auto mechanic has no other customers.
58. You've moved on a motorcycle.
59. The dentist in your town filed for bankruptcy.
60. You've driven for more than a month on a baby spare tire.
    
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61. You've been ejected from a little league game.
62. You can't remember what the blue tarp in your front yard is covering.
63. You're smoking in your driver's license photo.
64. You're on an auto insurance blacklist.
65. You clean your house with a water hose.
66. You've shot dead limbs out of trees in your front yard.
67. You've tried to call a 1-900 number collect.
68. You have more televisions than rooms in your house.
69. There is a six-inch gap between the bottom of your shirt nd the top of your pants.
70. You've worn boxers as an outer garmet.
    
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71. You are allowed to bring your dog to work.
72. The only book in your home is propping up the sofa.
73. You've ever picked your teeth with a menu.
74. You've ever been to the emergency room to have something removed from your nose.
75. Everyone who visits your home asks when it'll be finished.
76. You've worn a muumuu to a job interview.
77. You make the children lie about their ages to qualify for the kid's menu.
78. You move your couch and find fourteen cigarette lighters, $1.37 in change, and a six-year-old TV Guide.
79. Your bass boat's propeller used to be your ceiling fan.
80. You wake up early and still get to work late.
    
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81. You use you above-ground pool for storage.
82. Your favorite recipe begins "pierce the film lid."
83. You've shooed dogs from your yard with bottle rockets.
84. Everyone knows what color bra you're wearing.
85. You have a cigarette behind your ear in your yearbook photo.
86. Your neighbors call 911 every time you use the barbecue grill.
87. You know that your wheelbarrow will hold ten twelve-packs iced down.
88. You spring-clean your home and discover a second bathroom.
89. You think kung pao chicken is a martial arts movie.
90. Your medical plan is not to get sick.
    
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91. You think caviar is an import hatchback.
92. You still use your dead uncle's handicapped parking sticker.
93. Bank tellers sound the silent alarm as soon as you walk in.
94. You think Microsoft Word means whispering.
95. You've been hospitalized after a chili cook-off.
96. You've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool.
97. Locking your truck involves a padlock and a chain.
98. You've started a fight a a yard sale.
99. Any of your children were conceived in a bass boat.
100. You've offered a Sam's Club card as ID.
     
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101. Birds don't sing on your property.
102. Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
103. You give your marital status as "in between."
104. You've used the kids' swing set as a clothesline.
105. You turn on the air conditioner to drown out your wife.
106. You think a thesaurus is an extinct animal.
107. The morning after your last party you woke up in a bathtub.
108. You mouth the lines while watching Dukes of Hazzard reruns.
109. You've heckled during a wedding.
110. You were fired from 7-Eleven years ago but still wear the shirt.
     
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111. Your kids can't use the sandbox because the cats do.
112. Starting your truck triggers every car alarm within fifty feet.
113. Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
114. You waited in line overnight for a tire sale.
115. You can recite the alcohol content of all major beer brands.
116. The midwife has a key to the front door.
117. You can pick objects off the floor with your toes.
118. You put beer on your cereal.
119. Talking dirty with your wife costs you $2.99 a minute.
120. Your underwear is older than your wife.
     
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121. Your wife's wedding ring is starting to rust.
122. Your family tree has a tire swing.
123. You've used a bathtub as a punch bowl.
124. You think your truck's title is "my truck."
125. You've practiced undoing a bra.
126. You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.
127. Your favorite meal is only available at county fairs.
128. You've broken wind into a karaoke microphone.
129. You can't remember where your lawn mower is.
130. Your dog came with your house.
     
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131. Your favorite restaurant is 7-Eleven.
132. You've flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.
133. You get lost in your garage.
134. You've celebrated a divorce with fireworks.
135. Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
136. Public restrooms are closed for the rest of the day after your visit.
137. Your dog's kept tied to an engine block.
138. The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic.
139. You cause more harm than good by giving mouth to mouth.
140. You've ever buried a firearm.
     
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141. You use the gas station squeegee to wash your entire car.
142. Your wedding cake was a pile of Twinkies and Cool Whip.
143. You've reheated a Big Mac on your windshield defroster.
144. Your state flower is a dandelion.
145. Everyone gets out of the public pool when you get in.
146. You have a family portrait by a tattoo artist.
147. You've entered an insanity plea in small claims court.
148. Your tools are worth more than your car.
149. Your best hunting dog has three legs.
150. You know the Hooters menu by heart.
     
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151. Your favorite restaurant also has a truck wash.
152. You yelled "Go Scooter!" ay any point during your son's graduation.
153. You wear cowboy boots without socks.
154. Your truck permanently has wash me written in the dust on the tailgate.
155. You've made animal noises during a beauty pageant.
156. Your wife sleeps on the couch every time you eat at Taco Bell.
157. Your favorite number has a combo number.
158. You think cellulite is a mobile phone company.
159. You wake up because your dogs stop barking.
160. You work on your own car when there's nothing wrong with it.
     
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161. You've incorporated your stretch marks into tattoos.
162. You can't remember a single New Year's Eve.
163. You moved into a double-wide to accommodate your widescreen TV.
164. You pay $1,200 a year to store $300 worth of stuff.
165. You peed the words "I Luv U" in the snow.
166. Your wedding limo had antlers on the hood.
167. There's a juke box at your church.
168. You've been hospitalized with rug burn.
169. You've been sleeping on other people's sofas for over a decade.
170. The local police go on alert during your Super Bowl party.
     
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171. Your maid of honor is the groom's ex-wife.
172. Your grandmother wears a tank top without a bra.
173. You've followed a fire truck as entertainment.
174. You think Stocks and Bonds are a country western duo.
175. Your wife carries pepper spray at home.
176. You carry Ziploc bags in your purse for leftovers.
177. You've lost your wife in a poker game.
178. Your savings account is in the ashtray in your truck.
179. All of your hunting trips break the law.
180. Your tax return consists of "welfare in" and "child support out."
     
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181. Every car you own is permanently for sale.
182. Your wife's most modest outfit is her Hooters uniform.
183. You've slept in your car to be first at a yard sale.
184. Your sexiest gown came from a hospital.
185. You're flipping "the bird" in your wedding photo.
186. You've ignited a bodily emission.
187. Making love by candlelight is the only option you have after dark.
188. You're keeping three animal control officers in a job.
189. Your burbs set off smoke detectors.
190. Every word you've said on TV was bleeped-out.
     
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191. You were naked under your high school graduation robe.
192. You've left a note on a stranger's vehicle that begins "If U want to sell this car..."
193. You're not sure if the pet living underneath your trailer is a dog or a cat.
194. You fish coins out of public fountains.
195. You know over thirty uses for old tires.
196. You've smuggled cigarettes into a maternity ward.
197. Your favorite poem is from a restroom wall.
198. Your boobs are bigger than your wife's.
199. Healthy foods gives you indigestion.
200. You've tried to dry underwear in a microwave.
     
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201. You've ever had a corn dog for breakfast.
202. Your church closes during hunting season.
203. You've asked a hairstylist for a "business at the front, party at the back" cut.
204. The most expensive meal you ever bought came with a moist towelette.
205. Any of your fantasies involve Wal-Mart.
206. You mosquito bites are camouflaged by your sunburn.
207. You made up your Social Security number.
208. Your one phone call is to someone in another jail.
209. Your maternity bra is leopard-print.

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