A Alzheimer's Joke funny but not mean...

Three Elderly Sisters all lived in the same house. The oldest was 96, the youngest was 92, and the middle sister is 94

The oldest sister went upstairs to take a shower and after a while called down to her younger sisters "Help me, I can't remember if I just started taking my shower of if I'm finished"

The middle sister called up "I'll be right there" and started climbing up the stairs.

About halfway up the middle sister called down to the youngest sister asking "Was I going up or coming down. I don't remember"

"You two dummies" yelled up the youngest sister "Knock on wood" (Knock, Knock, Knock) "I'm not as forgetful as you two"

"I'll be up just as soon as I see who's at the door"

Some Amusing Animated GIFs

                 

                 

Some of the protest signs from the John & Ken Tax Revolt rally on March 7th

A picture of Schwarzenegger and "Terminating Small Businesses One Day At A Time"

"RECALLiFORNIA"

"I Need Change In My Pocket"

"Governor Schwarzenegger Is A Girly Man"

"America is Achieving and Believing, not Deceiving and Receiving"

"They died for your Freedom, not your Healthcare"

"Benedict Arnold - Mr Tax Universe"

"Taxinator: Boss of the Liars, Thieves, Whores, Cheats & Fools"

"Put Our Politicians in the Unemployment Line"

"$900 Increase We should have elected Stallone"

And "See Message on Other Side"

Some "Joker" Quotes from "The Dark Knight" movie

"What doesn't kill you makes you stranger"
 

"Here...       We...       Go"
 

"Why so serious?"
 

Alfred the Wayne butler said about the Joker:

"He just wants to watch the world burn".

In many Linux Distributions there is a Fortune Application Called "Wanda The Fish Says:"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
 

Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?

A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.

-- being told in Poland, 1987
 

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

-- Mark Twain
 

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.

Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

-- Mark Twain
 

You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
 

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

-- Mark Twain
 

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?

A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
 

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
 

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
 

Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
 

Too much is just enough.

-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
 

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
 

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

-- Mark Twain
 

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

-- Mark Twain
 

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
 

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

-- Mark Twain
 

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

-- Mark Twain
 

April 1

This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
 

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.
 

I guess whoever wrote most of these Fortune quotes was quite the fan of Mark Twain

Found a funny animated GIF:

A quote by Robert Orben, whoever that is:

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work"

And a quote by Michael Jorden:

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

Secret Service Code Names The Secret Service has code-names for their clients. Obama is now "Renegade", his wife is "Renaissance", and his two Daughters: "Rosebud" and "Radiance". Just a bit of trivia.

A non-partisan joke:

While walking across a street one day a US Senator is hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven is met by Saint Peter at the Gates.

"Welcome to heaven" said St Peter. "It seems there is a minor problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we are not sure what to do with you."

"No Problem, just let me in", said the Senator.

"I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll have you do is spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spent eternity"

"I've already made up my mind. I want to be in heaven", said the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules"

St Peter then escorts the Senator to the elevator and he goes down, down and further down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends, other politicians, and those who had worked with him.

Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shook his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They all played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before the Senator realizes the 24 hours is up.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, and even further up, the door opens on heaven, where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven"

24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and then St Peter returns.

"Youv'e spent a day in hell and one in heaven. Now choose your eternity".

The Senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell".

St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, and further down to hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

"What happened?", asked the Senator

The Devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..."

"Today you voted"

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce:

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.

RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.          The Devil's Dictionary was written in July, 1997. How Prophetic!

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

A father's Advice on Boyfriend Handling:

I advised my daughter thusly on how to handle a boy who can't understand "no". First. you tazer him until he drools (one level down from unconscious). Then you duct-tape him naked to a wall. Then you call the police on his naked, drooling ass.

Some Homer Simpson Quotes to entertain you:

"Homer no function beer well without"

"I want to share something with you: the three little sentences that will get you through life."          Number 1: "Cover for me"      Number 2: "Good Idea, Boss"      Number 3: "It was like that when I got here"

"Oh, so now they have Internet on computers now"

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that"

"How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, whenever I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?"

"Kill my Boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?"

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That's the American way."

"Totally Useless Facts"

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

What is known as a "French Kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English Kiss" in the French speaking world.

The word "queue" is the only word pronounced the same if you remove the last four letters.

The word with the most dictionary definitions is "set".

The longest word in the English language that has all the letters in Alphabetical order is "almost'.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon. I don't want to know HOW someone KNOWS that fact...

An Elephant is the only land mammal that can not jump. Good thing! Imagine Elephants jumping around like kangaroos!

Honey is the only natural food that never spoils. Honey found in Egyptian tombs from 3000 years ago is still edible.

Did you also know that a giraffe can clean it's ears with it's 21 inch tongue?

Did you know that months that begin on Sunday will always have a "Friday the Thirteenth"?

And last but not least: A cockroach can live for several weeks with it's head cut off. With no mouth it starves to death.

One last "totally useless fact": There is a city named "Rome" on every continent.

10 Attibutes of sucessful people

Decisiveness - being able to come to a good decision quickly

Ability to Research - Don't need to know everything but know where to find it out (GOOGLE it!)

Ability to speak in public - to communicate clearly to 1 or a room full of people

Writing - to be able to concisely express your points in an orderly manner

Time Discipline - being able to organized time and tasks efficiently - get things done

Ability to Focus - giving your attention to a task or problem and not allowing distractions to control you

Critical Thinking - sorting out the relevant facts from fiction, helps with decision-making

Relaxation and Rest - perhaps the most important because a stressed out person is impaired in other areas already

Networking and Socialization - sometimes knowing who can do something is far better than doing it on your own and not being comfortable around people is a distinct handicap

Good with Numbers - Not really a in-the-head calculator type but knows what numbers mean and how they relate to their world. An example: The "Governator" of California wants to increase the sales tax by 1%, which is an increase of the Sales Tax Rate of 14% Like we need a 14% tax increase...

You may be a geek if:

Your laptop computer has a pet name (not the brand name).

Youv'e ever hacked your cell phone (used the "secret, hidden" menus).

You know what Linux is, for sure if you have ever used it.

You have a KVM switch (Keyboard, Video, Mouse) at home. A KVM switch allows you to use two or more computers at the same time with only one keyboard, video monitor and mouse. Only a geek would use more than one computer at a time...

You now have or ever have had a Star Wars light saber.

I'm guilty of all the above...