SWEDEN:

DUCK HEAVEN

Dear Travelers, please be advised to hum the Swedish National Anthem, "The Lefse Spangled Banner, as soon as you get your tickets to fly there. You will soon be learning the words of the thirty three stanzas from the natives themselves, for the beloved national anthem of Sweden is sung continuously all across Sweden at all hours of the day and night.

North of Bastad, in the province of Hallad, hills rise up in the most surprising fashion. The third hill, whether it looks like sun glasses or an item of apparel, is hotly debated by tourists to this day.

Attractive, blond tourist guides, or "Tourist pilots", assist lost, confused motorists without charge. Their headgear is distinctive and eminently practical. One city only in neighboring Norway is registered on her map--the town of Hell--indicated by the downward pointing sign.

At a glance, anyone can see why Kalmat was once called the "Lock and Key of Sweden."

Tourists should expect high voltages throughout Sweden when using electric appliances, such as shavers and traveling irons.

Shown by the many Viking Stav (high, wooden, gabled) gas outlets, the old Viking tradition remains very strong in the rural areas.

Rakorret, trout buried for several years then dug up, is one Swedish delicacy that demands an acquired taste.

Stockholm's Royal Armory is a repository of Swedish culture since 1500. It contains the famous dancing pig, a well-preserved royal cloudberry torte commissioned by King Haraldknute in the 4th Century, and the horse that lost the Battle of Lutzen.

"Talk-a-Bunch," an American invention, broke down all the barriers to communication between the normally reserved Swedes. "Talk-a-Bunch" has, in fact, been used by dating services to find suitable matches for millions of Swedish singles, with an astounding 80% success rate. Once couples break down all barriers and actually speak to one another, marriage is a foregone conclusion with Swedes. Until then, they haven't a clue where their relationship may be headed, and without "Talk-a-Bunch" they are too reserved to ask. Invariably, Ingvar and Ingebord drift apart, having not spoken to each other in months even though constantly in each other's company.

The unassuming, discreet Swedes customarily go out of their way to treat their royalty, the King and Queen of Sweden, just like ordinary, private citzens, who know they won't be intruded upon for autographs out in public and feel perfectly at ease even when shopping in department stores for personal items.

State-of-art mechanization is the rule on modern Swedish dairy farms. Swedes have always been known for their clever inventions: gravity (a Swedish scientist first discovered it when a fat chicken fell out of the sky and landed on his head, the result of a Norwegian hawk trying to carry it off). The wheel is yet another Swedish creation, attributed to an enterprising dairyman who was tired of pushing a sled with big round cheeses piled on it, and harnessed two of them to make a moving cart for his wife to pull up the mountainside to town. These two inventions are the two pillars of Swedish dairy farming.

Delivering sandwiches at the Royal Armory in the Nordiska Museum, a young Swedish entrepeneur pauses to admire King Gustavus Adolphus' trusty horse. This was the mount the king had ridden when he was defeated in the Battle of Lutzon in 1632. The horse was stuffed, the king was not, as no one thought the king worth preserving.

At the Royal Cloudberry Cream Torte Factory in Stockholm, nothing goes to waste. Whatever falls to the floor is then put on the lo-fat creme torte assembly line and shipped to America, as this was thought the most logical Swedish thing to do.

The legendary movie queen of Hollywood's silver screen, Greta Garbo (nee Gustaffson), got her start at Stockholm's Royal Dramatic Theater with her famous line,"I vant to be alone!" Since then, she was surrounded by a crowd of admirers and had to wear dark glasses and flee on foot to get away from her fans.

Swedish cinema star Ingrid Bergman got her start by throwing a cabbage shredder at her co-star (and missing). Her famous lines were: "I'm leaving you, Bruno darling. I'm sick of shredding cabbage night after night alone while you go out and have all the fun!"

At Stortorgetnen, near the Swedish Academy, a friendly professor pauses to encourage a high school drop-out to try school again. With so few students per instuctor, Sweden cannot afford to squander even the least possible student, even if it means losing nice, efficient deli-sandwich delivery boys like this one.

Foreign visitors with an attitude should keep in mind that Sweden is very prosperous and doesn't look to foreigners for tourist dollars.

In any Swedish restaurant, water glasses are automatically refilled.

Swedish stainless steel flatware is world-renowned for simplicity and elegance. Fork, knife, and spoon are shown in this display.

The fashionable Hogjalls Hotel and sky resort in Salen is a nice place to start the exciting Vasa Ski Race. Beginners, however, should take caution regarding the steep slopes on Swedish mountains that range as high as fifty feet. Once lost, dentures are impossible to locate in the snow until the next spring thaw.

Geitost, or goat's cheese, demands an acquired taste. It is a most versatile product and can even furnish a substitute for plastic, and when pressed (and eaten) becomes a rather potent explosive. A sudden move by a goatherd after eating his lunch of geitost has sometimes proved to be his last.

Sweden boasts the highest per capita book consumption in the world. Classics of world literature such as Homer's THE GEITOSTIAD and Shakespeare's MUCH ADO ABOUT LUTEFISK are avidly consumed at Stockholm's finest restaurants.

Little Sven, the sandwich delivery boy, pauses in the Swedish Academy, where the Nobel Prizes are awarded. He admires the awards founder, the wealthy industrialist Alfred Nobel (who was given to a taxidermist when he died and is said to be stuffed with several millions in cash--who says you can't take it with you?). After inventing dynamite to deal with a pesky mother-in-law who visited his household and kitchen too frequently to his thinking, he established the Nobel Peace Prize when she threatened retaliation with a dish of her famous Swedish meatballs. What else he did, nobody seems to care about. His mother-in-law had the last word: "That monster, he doesn't know a good Swedish meatball from a Norwegian rock!" After he passed away and left his millions to the Swedish Academy to dispose of, he was much more appreciated.

The cashless society has arrived in Sweden, where government coupons can pay for most merchandise. Coupons can also pay for expensive feather transplants for balding individuals (if Rogaine doesn't do the job) and other health needs.

A marvel of 19th century engineering, water in the Gota Canal was made to flow uphill in a major shopping mall. Not only that, it can be reversed, adjusted to various speeds for the handicapped individual, and even set on Pause.

Links to other pages on these Websites:

Plain View Farm Home Page

Butterfly Productions Home Page

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The Prairie Farm Site

Scandinavian Duck Toons Central

Ron's Writings: Tales for a Lille Tupin or Tuta (Little Boy or Girl)

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