My story is similiar to that of any addict, I grew up in a big family and I was different from the start, different from all other kids I knew, I stole my first beer from my dad who hid his alcohol under the bed, the minute I drank it started what was to be a long lasting love affair

I managed (of course) to find the 'wrong crowd' and by the time I was 14 I was smoking speed and drinking every chance I got. I liked speed because it allowed me to handle more alcohol, later that year I left home and moved into a friends garage, by age 15 I think I had tried every drug known to man except heroin, I thought as long as I dont do heroin I'll be okay.

My life quickly became centered around drugs and alcohol, I was living in this garage with 3 guys and a girl and just to get out of bed in the morning required a pill or a drink, this insanity went on for 2 years and then I met Tom.....

Tom would come crash and party with us once in a while and I 'fell in love' (I was 17) One night after a big fight between Tom and the others I said my goodbyes and walked out that door with Tom, we lived in his car and when we would have enough money we rented motels, I was always ok as long as he kept me high

One night Tom went out to find some money or dope and he never came back, by morning I had the shakes and I went out to look for myself, I ran into a girl named Dianna and we became fast friends, she was a prostitute and always had dope, she let me move into her apartment and I continued my drug use, she taught me about the streets and how to keep from getting busted, and always wear a condom and never get into a car with a cop

Dianna introduced me to heroin and I went back on my word to never use it, I used it and it quickly became my drug of choice. When we made enough money to pay our rent and keep us high for the night we would come home and talk, Dianna and I had some very heartfelt conversations, we would laugh together, discuss our dreams and cry, cry for our lives that we both knew we were throwing away. I remember one night Dianna told me if we ever had the courage to get clean and sober we would do it together

We lived together for a year and then Dianna was arrested, this was my best friend and I promised her to keep up the apartment and jokingly told her I'd get high for us both, I went to visit her when I could and wrote to her almost every day, updating her on everything that was happening in my life.

I knew I was getting highly addicted to heroin so I stopped for a while and then my alcohol use increased, to get the effect of heroin I drank all day and all night, blackouts were an every day occurance...I met new friends and our apartment became a crash place for every addict in the city, talking to others I mentioned Tom and a this guy at my apartment one night told me he knew who I was talking about and unfolded the story of Toms murder the night he left me in the car

It wasnt too long before I was back on heroin and injecting speedballs because my thinking told me a combination of two drugs had to be better then a straight drug. I also continued to drink and my addiction soon became even worse (possible?..YES) and I lost the apartment I promised Dianna I would keep.

I lost contact with Dianna and moved in with my newfound boyfriend Jake who was physically and sexually abusive, but the drugs were there, and I had no place to go, and I was grateful to be off the streets

One night after a 8 day run on speed Jake and I got into a car accident and I ended up in the hospital emergency room with a broken arm, ribs and skull frature, the X-ray tech asked me (routinely) if there was a possiblitly I could be pregnant and I said, I dont know..

That night I found out I was 5 months pregnant, by morning I was having hallucinations and tremors as I was withdrawing from the drugs and alcohol, I left the hospital against medical advise and went home and drank, I didnt know there was another way all I knew is that my body NEEDED the drugs, I couldnt function without them.

I gave birth to my daughter Brittany 3 months later, she weighed 5lbs 5 oz and she was not addicted to anything and we were not tested and I went home 24 hours later.

I loved my daughter very much and I promised her to try and be a good mom, I promised I would never prostitute or sell dope again, I would never break into another house, and I would never let anyone hurt her, as much as I wanted to be a good mom I didnt know how, I didnt know how to get clean and I couldnt stop using or drinking. Without a drink or a drug my hands werent even able to stop shaking long enough to change a diaper.
By the time Brittany was 4 months I was pregnant again, my addiction had taken quite a turn and I stayed home drinking and using alone trying to be a mom, Jake would dissapear for days but always made sure I had what I needed so I didnt even care. When the time came to have my second baby I stopped drinking at the feel of my first contraction and the next morning gave birth to my second daughter Leigha, again I was home in 24 hours and again was relived to start using and rid myself of the horrible tremors I got.

One night Jake came home very very drunk, he was in a rage and I grabbed Brittany and headed for Leigha when he grabbed her from her swing and threw my little baby on the floor, I threatened to kill him and he knew I meant it because he left and never came back

I soon was in contact with all the old friends again and someone told me Dianna had gotten clean. I was truly amazed and my heart swelled with pride for her, she broke free from the bondage of drugs and I went to visit her, she pleaded with me to get clean, she had been clean for 4 years and was living with her new husband she had met at an NA meeting and he had 5 years clean, she told me how awesome her life was and that recovery was possible, she opened up AA's Big Book and read to me, she said she would sponser me and drive me to meetings, I left her house and opened a beer in the car on my way home.

I was happy for her, and I was envious she was clean and sober and she had a life, and here I was suicidal and still on my path to destruction, but I just couldnt bring myself to stop, the despair and hopelessness was too huge....

A year later I found myself pregnant again, by this time my addiction was at its very worst and there was no physical way to stop using, my water bag broke and my mind was so far gone I called 911 and downed my last beer and took 5 valiums while waiting for them to show up, my daughter Jenneya was born 2 hours later weighing 4lbs 10 oz with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

I passed out in the hospital only to awaken in the morning to a social worker at my bedside, she explained to me my daughter had FAS and tested positive for both cocaine and heroin, she informed me that I would not take Jenneya home and I should place her for adoption, and she also told me they were on their way to pick up Brittany and Leigha, and there would be child endangerment charges pressed against me, she told me if I ever expected to see my children again I would leave the hospital straight to a drug program and handed me a phone book and left. I lost it, my world was shattered that morning...how could I do this to my babies? I was only living for them, without them suicide would have surely happened long ago.

I took her suggestion and was picked up by a van and taken to a detox, I was put on Phenobarbatol to allow my body to safely detox and it was in this program I went to my first NA meeting

Saying the words 'I'm Nicole, and I am an addict' was VERY HARD, admitting defeat....admitting that drugs had kicked my ass was not an easy thing to do, but I also never wanted to use or drink again, I wanted my kids back and I wanted freedom, so I did all they asked, I took suggestions, went to the therapy groups, cried and grieved for my children and the hell they suffered at my hands, got a sponser and started step one.

when my 35 days were up there I transferred to a recovery home where I lived with 12 other women,drug tested randomly and a meeting every day. I got a GED and started taking some college classes, every 3 months going to court for custody of my children being returned, each time leaving with no definate answer if I'd ever get them back but all the while never giving up.

NA meetings became a large part of my life, my sponser told me 'If you want to stay clean and sober then you put as much time and energy into sobriety and recovery as you did in your drugs'..Which meant I needed my ass in a meeting every single day, because in my addiction I never took a day off from drugs.

I learned that I have a disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and that I can never drink or use moderately, for addicts and alcoholics there is no such thing as moderation, one drink or one drug will lead to abuse instantly.

I started to like my new life and I became very active in Narcotics Anonymous, I started organizing sober dances and parties, I eventually moved out on my own and started a meeting at my apartment.

I did my 4th step (AARGH) LOL and I came to terms with me...me as an addict and me as a person, I relived sexual and physical abuse as a child and I let go of the anger, I made my ammends to everyone I could and during this process I went to find Dianna, what I found is that Dianna had chosen to give up her 5 years of sobriety and went back into active addiction and was brutally raped and murdered in a park.

I have been clean and sober for 2 years and 5 months and I have met many addicts trying to recover, some go and some stay and some die, losing an addict to death by drugs tears my heart apart every time, but it also keeps me in line, I see that the disease is still out there ready to grab me the minute I allow it, and that knowledge keeps me clean.
~Thanks for listening

Goodbye Old Friend

Hello
just in case you forgot me....I am your disease..
To all who come in contact with me,I wish you death and I wish you suffering.

Allow me to introduce myself! I am the disease of addiction,I am cunning,baffling,and powerful.
Thats me. I have killed millions and I am pleased. I love to catch you with the element of surprise.
I love pretending that I am your friend and lover.
I have given you comfort, haven't I? Wasn't I there when you were lonely?
When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me? I was there!
I love to make you hurt, I love to make you cry.
Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry.
I love it when you can't feel anything at all.
This is true gratification, and all that I ask from you is long term suffering.
I've been there for you always. When things were going right in your life,
you invited me, and you said you didn't deserve these good things,
and I was the only one who would agree with you.
Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.

People don't take me seriously. They take strokes, heart attacks, even diabetes seriously
FOOLS!, Without my help these things would not be possible.
I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.
You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace,
More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program.
Your program, Your meetings, Your higher power, all of these things weaken me,
and I can't function in the manner that I am accustomed to.
Now I must lie here quietly. You dont see me,but I am growing bigger than ever.
When you only exist,I may live, and when you live I may only exist.
but I AM HERE!!
And until we meet again,if we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.
Author Unknown

2/10/98 YAHOOOOOOO!!!!! I was granted a trial custody with Brittany and Leigha!!!!!!!! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!
I should be able to get custody of Jenneya back in a couple months, with her problems they want me to slowly get used to being a mom!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEE
thanks for your prayers, Im in Heaven NOW!

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