I realized after looking over my site today that three years ago when I first put it up, I was a very different person. Therefore, I have started this new section. This portion of the site will not have anything to do with anything except me, and who I am as a person. There will be new poetry and musings, and a totally different look from the rest of the site. The only link back to the "Truckstop" will be from this main page. As of now, this is the only page on this site, but more will be coming.
This is not easy, I am getting ready to open myself up here. I have a hard time doing that to tell you the truth.
Who am I really? Well, I am a paradox if you get right down to it. I'm a rather independent type, strong to the end, but at the same time, needing to be accepted by at least a handful of special people. I am a rebel, but at the same time, need to belong to something. I am always looking to learn, but don't like to be told what to do. I have a yearning to lead, but want people to want to follow, not just do it because I said so.
Deep in my inner self, I lean towards the artistic, not painting and the like, but writing, music, the theater. At the same time, I am pulled in the opposite direction to do the responsible thing. That is probably why my first go round in college I majored in pre-law with a minor in theater. This time around, I am working on a business degree but really wanting to be taking nothing but writing and literature courses. To top it off, I have found a position in an educational capacity, which is something I never thought I would do, which I am enjoying very much. It is murder being pulled in many directions at once. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I am a true Libra. There always has to be the balance there. It isn't easy either.
I will go for a manicure, have my hair done, and come home and crawl under the sink to fix a leak or pull out the ax and chop wood, immediately messing up what the beauty parlor just did. I can whip up a great meal at home, but would much rather be dining out at a fine restaraunt. Of course, the whole time I am sitting in the restaraunt, I am thinking of what I could have made at home!
I have a great capacity to be a dear friend, but have a hard time opening myself up to people. It gives others the impression that I am a cold fish, which is far from the truth. I can listen to someone's problems, but not share my own. I can pour out my heart and inner feelings in my writing, as long as it will be read away from where I am, by people I do not have regular contact with.
I was raised in a family of strong women, my great grandmother left her native Italy because she could not go to school there, it just was not done for girls in those days. My grandmother worked, my mother attended college when her peers were getting married and raising families. I am carrying on that tradition and I hope passing it on to my own children.
I married outside of my Italian/Catholic heritage, to a real dyed in the wool redneck who was a little shocked and intrigued at a woman who did not NEED to be taken care of, but wanted to be his partner. He has grown to love the whole idea.
My priorities, in no particular order, are family, self worth, loyalty to friends, loyalty to self, and living up to one's potential.
I said there will be new poetry, and there will be. Right now, this is all I have ready for your reading pleasure.
Sometimes
It is so hard
to keep my head up
to keep a smile in place
to be all things to all people
Sometimes
I want to cry
to collapse in heavy sobs
to give in to my pain
to be the one needing comforting
Sometimes
I want to be the child
to have my skinned knees kissed
to have my nightmares hushed
to be the one rocked in someone's arms
Sometimes
I get tired
of being the strong one
of being the reliable one
of being the one others turn to in bad times
Sometimes
I am afraid
of letting people down
of not being good enough
of failing at that which I try
Sometimes
I am full
of fears that cannot be quelled
of anger that will not subside
of pain that will not go away
Sometimes
I am grateful
that I am who I am
that I am who I am
that I am who I am
Deborah Layman
September, 2000