I first started having problems with depression and anxiety when I was about 12 years old Part of it was the result of my family being in turmoil , some was a result Of my having problems in school with bullies Etc, and some from the fact that I was never able to sit still. I was taken to a clinic for counciling and put on a tranquilizer to try and make my Life easier (and thus the lives of others around me I later thought) I remained on these medications until I left home at the age of 16 to get married and escape all of the emotional turmoil going on. Things were pretty good for about a year but when the marriage started to go down hill so did my emotions and the depression set in. I was sleeping up to 16 hours a day and had no desire to do anything. My friends finally made me see someone and again I was started on tranquilizers. My moods were again elated and I was back to functioning as a "normal" person. And so it went. One doctor after another prescribed a different medication (only one at a time though) and I was by now emotionally addicted to them as well as needing them for depression. By the time I was 40 I was taking more and more of them and when a month's supply of them would be gone in two weeks I would somehow manage to convince the doctor that I needed more and it amazed me how easy it was to get them! I only met on doctor, a pyschatrist I was seeing as part of my training as a group supervisor, that refused to "buy" my story. I got rid of him as fast as I could and found someone new that would presecribe them for me again. Then I was injured and was also put on pain medication. They made me feel even better and in time I was also taking more and more of them. Codeine, Muscle relaxers, Demerol, and a few more. Then when I could not get them from a doctor for whatever reason I resulted to taking them from other people that I knew had them on hand. It was so easy to locate medications in someone's home I could not believe it! It was as though I had developed a sixth sense for them and never went away empty handed. I got them from friends, family and some people that I did not even really know! Being in the nursing field I knew my drugs and never took anything I did not know for sure was safe. I had a PDR and checked out everything before taking it. I never really thought about the consequences of what I was doing. Luckily I never got caught or I could have faced serious charges! I am a small woman but I had one doctor prescribing enough medication for me that would have killed me had I taken them as he directed! When we moved from the area I phoned him and he continued to have these meds sent to me for three years. However, when I had a complete breakdown in July of 1996 and was totally out of things for a while I went clean. I have remained so since October 15th, 1996. Yes, I do still think about them, and I have warned some people NOT to leave them out to my temptation. I am proud of the fact that I can say that the only medications I take now are the ones required as a part of my illness. Although I am clean I do still and will always remain a drug addict! THE 12 STEPS