This page is dedicated to my loving Bear, Tony, without whose love, support, caring and respect, I wouldn't have had the strength to begin my "journey".
I LOVE YOU TONY WADE!!!!
TRULY LOVE AN ANGEL, AND YOU WILL HAVE LOVE GIVEN BACK TWENTYFOLD!
NEW! I have agonized over this page, and I continue to do so on a daily basis in varying degrees. Some days I want to shout to the world what was done to me when I was a child, and other days I try to ignore it.... bury it.... forget it! I know I am not alone in my suffering. Many of you reading this suffered untold horror at the hands of a father, mother, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather.... the list of abusers is too long and too overwhelming to continue with. What was done to me as a child still haunts me every day. It's very difficult to admit to myself, much less anyone else, that the emotional and sexual abuse even happened.
I know I'm not to blame.... but that's on my good days. Other days I feel like I deserved the abuse. I know many of you have ridden this emotional roller coaster. This ride just seems to go on and on, until I want to scream for someone to turn it off. I know I'm a strong person... many have told me that I am......maybe it's because of the abuse, or maybe it's in spite of the abuse. Whatever the reason, I'm sure God had some plan for allowing this and all the other innocent children to suffer. I don't really question his motives. I just feel badly that I was one of the "chosen".
Sometimes (when I'm feeling the "strong Ruth"), I think that maybe I could help others who have suffered learn to deal and live with the constant pain and sorrow that any kind of child abuse leaves in it's wake. Then other days (when I'm feeling like the "lost child"), I doubt myself and feel that I have nothing to offer anyone..... not even myself!
I have read quite a few books and surfed the net lately, looking for some insight to myself and why I am the person I've become (or the person I could have become). How strange it seems that as I sit reading someone else's words, I feel like I'm the one they are talking about.... that they took my words, and my feelings and wrote them in a book. It scares me sometimes (actually MOST of the time), to feel the emotions that keep creeping up inside me as I sit reading about myself. I worked too hard for too long to keep those emotions buried very deep inside. And yet, I can't seem to stop reading and learning everything I can about child abuse. I have to admit there is some comfort (although it's very little sometimes) in knowing that I am not alone.
Although I'm not ready to share my story on this page yet, I hope that I can help someone else feel "less alone" by writing down my feelings. Maybe it's part of my "healing" process.... I just don't know sometimes.
Still I wonder to myself too often..... WHY ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Click on the link at the bottom of my page if you're interested in finding out more about "Survivors Link Around the World" and joining!
Here is a poem I wrote that I want to share.....
Dear Robert,
I used to call you Daddy.
A daddy is a special person
Who loves and protects
His little girl.
Then I called you Dad,
But a father's job is
Still the same no matter
What name he is called by.
So many years have passed
But unfortunately the memories
Have not, and now,
You are Robert.
I've tried to understand
When there is nothing to understand,
And have cried myself to sleep
So many times with the loss of your love.
Even though
You still inhabit the earth,
In my heart you are dead.
You died the day you took advantage of me,
Of my trust, of my innocence, my youth.
I never asked you to hurt me;
I only needed your protection,
And you weren't there for me;
YOU were the one I needed
Protection from.
Even though it sounds cruel,
A part of me wishes that you hurt as much as me,
But I'm sad because I know that you hold yourself blameless;
It was all my fault; Mom even said so.
I know I hurt only myself by ignoring you,
But I'm unable to face you, to deal with your denial.
I want an apology that I know I'll never receive,
So I choke down the pain yet again, seeking relief.
If you have experienced any kind of abuse, whether it be emotional, physical, sexual or verbal, there is FINALLY a lot of help out there. All you need to do is ask for it! No one can help you until you're ready for it, but when you are, here are some links to support and help.......
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