I receive jokes by email from friends all over the country...so, I thought I would share them with you. Beware, they range from the just plain sillly to discustingly tacky......Hey, I didn't write 'em, I just read 'em....(smile)...please take no offense at them and enjoy them in the humor they were intended to be....
DON'T SQUAT WITH YER SPURS ON:
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The New Bull
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: " Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine.
Second Bull:"That pretty much says it for me too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'im till I run him off or kill'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull:"I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows".
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT. The biggest Son-of -another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been sometime since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull:"I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument".
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting-the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Women, Vato!!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man from the city buys a farm and wants to stock it with animals. He walks the five miles to the next farm where the
farmer is selling some of his livestock. The man asks the farmer if he can buy a rooster. "Sure," replies the farmer, "Except, round here we call them Cocks." Next, the man asks to buy a chicken. "Yep, sure can, except in these parts we don't call 'em chickens, we call 'em Pullits."
The farmer hands the man two separate cages to carry the fowls in. The man does not want to walk all the way home holding the cages and asks the farmer if he can buy his donkey. "Sure can," replies the farmer. "Around here we call 'em Asses."
He helps the man up and hands him the cages, one in each hand. "Now," says the farmer, "ya gotta scratch Ol' Henry between the ears to git him to go." and the farmer scratches the beast and he heads off down the road.
About halfway home, the donkey stops and will move no further, despite all the pleading of the man. A woman walks by and the man calls to her. "Lady, could you hold my Cock and Pullit while I scratch my Ass?
A man decides he's going to be a pig farmer so he goes down to the Co-Op and buys 20 pigs. It isn't until he gets them home that he realizes they are all female. Seeing as he can't breed them w/o a male he calls the farmer down the road, "I have 20 pigs and they're all female. Can I bring them down to try and breed'em w/your male pig?" "Well, sure, Son!" says the farmer.
So the man load his 20 pigs up in the back of his truck and hauls them down to the neighbor's farm. A few hours later all the females have been bred. As the man's getting ready to take then home he asks the old farmer "How will I know if they're pregnant?"
"If they're out roamin' in the field tomorro' mornin' then you know it worked 'cause that's something pigs NEVER do EXCEPT when they're pregnant."
So the man takes his pigs home and the next morning he looks out to his field and doesn't see a single pig. He calls the farmer back and says "Sir, it didn't work! Do you think I could bring my pigs over again to breed w/your male?" "Sure!" says the farmer.
So the man loads his pigs up again, takes them over to the farm and tries once more to breed them. Next morning he looks out in his field and NOTHING. No pigs in the field.
Upset and a little leary of the whole thing he calls the farmer again and say "Sir, again, it didn't work. Can I try one more time?" "Sure," says the farmer, "load 'em up in yer truck and bring'em on over!".
Again, the man takes his pigs over, has them bred and returns home. The next morning he doesn't have the nerve to look so he asks his wife "Honey, can you look out ot the field and tell me if those pigs are there?" His wife looks out the window and says "Dear, the field is empty again but I see all the pigs over in the back of the truck and ones up front
HONKING THE HORN!!!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three
identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because
it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told
that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing,
but the other two call him Senior Partner."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR MOUSE
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor......
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shi...!"
LOTTERY FEVER
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel, and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since, after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain this unlikely phenomena.
The bride responds...
My first husband was a Sales Representative. He spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great!"
My second husband was from Software Services. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service. He constantly said that everything was diagnostically "OK," but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services. He simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach."
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations. He told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it."
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was *talk* about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist. All he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector. All he ever wanted to do was... Darn, I miss him!
SO, now that I have married you, a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get screwed!
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends...sniff, sniff."
The Good Witch replied, "No problem!" And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which remained yellow.
"Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!" The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!"
So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.
The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard. "Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red, too... sniff, sniff."
"No problem!" said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red, all except his private parts, which remained brown.
"Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"
But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!"
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??"
The Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the Yellow Prick Toad."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to ladies room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out.ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.FAULT: You have fallen over backward.ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.FAULT: You have fallen forward.ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.FAULT: Bar has closed.ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.ACTION: Cover mouth.
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.Cochran what he was doing on his property.
"Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.
Mr.. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."
"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."
"Never heard of it", said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".
Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn", said Johnny.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands.", to which he looked up and asked, "Come again?"
The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know if
the coast was clear." 
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers
a bonus for discovering the
problem.
Only in America
Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America do people order double-cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars sitting in the driveway and store boxes of useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning"blood-sucking creatures".
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his
pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari." 
The doctor, quite the proffessional says,"Take off your blouse and let me see, its alright I'm a doctor." The woman complies and the rash is in the shape of a big "S".
"By chance do you have a boyfriend that goes to Stanford?", he asks. "Why as a matter of fact I do.", she replies.
"Have him take off his letter sweatshirt next time you guys are making out thats whats causing your rash.", says the doctor. She giggles and is all embarrassed and she leaves. Five minutes later another lady comes in. "Doc, I have a rash on my chest."
"Take off your blouse and let me see," he replies. She does and this time its in the shape of an "H".
"By chance do you have a boyfriend that goes to Harvard?", he asks. "Why as a matter of fact I do," she replies.
"Have him take off his sweater next time you guys are making out thats whats causing this rash," he explains. She's all embarrassed and she leaves as well. One more lady comes in 10 minutes later. "Doctor, I have a rash on my chest," she says.
"Geez, another one? Okay, take off your blouse and let me see," he replies. The rash is in the shape of a big letter "M".
"This is easy", he states rather assuredly," Do you have a boyfriend that goes to Michigan?".
She replies, "Well, no. But I have a girlfriend that goes to Wisconsin."
A horse and a chicken lived on a farm and were friends. One day, while working in a pasture, the horse's hoof fell in a hole and he was stuck."Go get the farmer to get me out!" the horse told the chicken. The chicken runs to the farm house to find no one at home. The chickens sees the farmer's BMW, gets in it and drives out to the pasture to his friend, the horse. The chicken throws a rope to the horse, ties the other to the BMW's bumper and pulls the horse free. A few weeks later, the horse and the chicken were walking in the same pasture and the chicken fell in a hole. "Quick, get the farmer to get me out." yells the chicken. "That won't be necessary." says the horse who stands over the hole and lowers his tool down and tells the chicken to grab on. The chicken does and is pulled from the hole. Moral: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her -how are you feeling?"
Afterwards, the landlord enquired where on earth he could of got such a thing, and the man replied ruefully that he had got it as a result of a wish from his fairy godmother - but the old bat must have been deaf, he explained, because I certainly didn't ask for a 12inch pianist!
The first tree asks the other, "Hey, is that a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"
The second tree replies, "I don't know, but here comes a woodpecker, we can ask him."
So they ask the woodpecker, "Mr.Woodpecker, you're an expert on trees, is that a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
The woodpecker flies down and tastes a little sap and flies back. He says "Gentlemen, take is neither a son of a birch nor a son of a beech, that is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in.
An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: "Dad, how do us Indians get our names?"
"It's very simple," replies the chief, "your brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morining, so we call him Rising Sun."
"Why do you ask Broken Rubber?" 
A postman who was surprised one morning on his rounds when a young
blond housewife invited him in? She served him a delicious breakfast,
and then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled, but went along out
of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, and so he did
that too. But when he realized it was time to finish his rounds, he had to
leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.
This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her: "Lady, what is going
on? First you feed me a delicious breakfast, and as if that isn't enough,
you invite me to make love to you and we have a terrific time together. And
now you want to pay me?! What IS this, anyway?" So she explained proudly:
"Well, you know Christmas is coming, and I told my husband I wanted to do
something nice for the postman, who is so faithful about delivering our mail
all year. My husband said, 'Screw the postman! Give him a dollar!'...But
the breakfast was my idea!" 
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
You might be a redneck if..
you've ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
bikers back down from your mama opening a beer bottle.
after removing the empty beer cans from your car you find you get fifteen more miles to the gallon.
you wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
you come back from the dump with more than you took to it.
your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
you are allowed to bring your dog to work.
you actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has a opening on the lube rack.
the neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you've ever vacationed in a rest area.
you hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
you have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned.
you've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
you offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
the Orkin man tells you "Give up you've lost".
you think paprika is a third-world country.
you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".
people hunt in your front yard.
your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
going to the bathroom in the of middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.
you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".
you give away more free puppies than the Humane Society.
your screen door has no screen.
your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
you prefer car keys to Q-tips.
you take a fishing pole into Sea World.
you've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree at the corner.
your car has never had a full tank of gas.
your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
you've ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance.
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?" The lady responded, "It's a condom." The other lady said, "Where can you get one of those?" She said, "Oh, just about any grocery of drug store." So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, "I need to get some condoms." The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, "UH, what size?" The lady responded, "Hmm, one that would fit a camel."
Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says: "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."
The second little boy pipes up: "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."
The third little boy, not to be outdone responds: "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."
"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.
The third boy responds: "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....."
Rolling on
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin' all right.
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher) Dog: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool.
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher) Horse: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)......Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr.Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Hundred Thousand Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfingerwent up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff". I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O'Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was too).
She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it to her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden... my Starburst. As luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.
Many people had tried over time, (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick eyeglasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the scrawny little man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The little man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS."
1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, oneof which is a word for a woman?
6). What does a dog do that you can step into?
7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if youcan't get one you can use your hands?
8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
"Ha!", said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."
Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."
"Yes, Sir!!!", the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!", and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.
"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute. AND I want you to do it with style."
"Yes, Sir!!!", the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.
"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps was here", he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.) He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"
The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!", and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades.
When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.
The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration.
Then the Navy Admiral says, "That's nothing". The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief.
The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines.
"Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."
The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Kiss my a**!"
As the Seaman walks off, the Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a
problem. Ihave two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”“What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase... in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I,m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.” “Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ‘62.”“This is unbelievable!,” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?,” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,”replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "just what I thought, just about the same size."
The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and
said, "How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled
over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the
matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire
up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"
