Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating
like people. For those us who have never had any success
dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except
for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite).
The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean,
svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll
find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have
a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor
as long as it cost more than 75cents per can -- and place 1/4 cup
on your plate. Eat one bite of food; look around room
disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall
for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it
back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead.
Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or
partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under
the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat
half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the
remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the
sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the TV set.
Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner
tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as
your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it
all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the
house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half
dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food --
tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your
kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up
on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across
the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or
partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part
of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play
with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird
is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for
someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or
milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then
turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a
collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up
on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can.
Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a
corner and then abandon it.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a
flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
and get hard.
Strict, Unbending Rules for Dealing
With Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and
leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house
their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up
and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at anytime.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except
at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except
on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump
up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen
claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope
cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors
in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the
three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with
Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded
litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and
plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box
lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed
with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed,
except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed
under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed
under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer
keyboard on the desk when the human is
There used to be a counter here
until Geocities decided to reset it!
This page was begun on July. 18, 1998