YOU MIGHT BE A CHILD OF THE 80s IF . . .

you have deep, personal relationships via computers
with people you've never met in real life.

songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.

the phrase 'going courting', to you, means
fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.

you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird Al" Yankovic song.

not that you'd do it personally,
but body piercing captures your attention.

you think the 'Gay 90's' refers to this decade.

the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.

you remember the first time 'Space: Above and Beyond' aired.
It was called 'Battlestar Galactica.'

three words: 'Atari,' 'IntelliVision' and 'ColecoVision.'
Sound familiar?

you remember the days when hooking your computer into
your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets --
it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!

you remember the days when 'safe sex' meant
"my parents are gone for the weekend."

you remember 'Friday Night Videos,' before the days of MTV.

you ever owned a pair of 'Pop-Wheels' -- that handy little combination
of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.

a predominant color in your childhood photos is 'plaid.'

you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's;
pissed that you were a part of the 70's; think you wasted
too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's;
and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.

you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up
in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.

while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans
to get together again at the end of the century and play '1999,' by Prince,
over and over again.

you remember when music that was labeled 'alternative' really was.

one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to
Robert Smith of 'The Cure': "What WAS that head-on-the-door thing, anyway?"

you were shocked and horrified by the Challenger explosion (which you
were probably watching in school at the time) and yet, when someone
mentions the name 'JFK,' the first thing you think of is 'Oliver Stone.'

you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to
'It's The End Of The World As We Know It.'

you can't remember when the word 'networking' didn't have
a computer connotation to it.

you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you.

you knew all the words to Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire,'
but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.

you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut."

you watched 'H. R. Puffenstuff' as a child, but now that you're older,
you really understand that it would have been much better
had you known about drugs at the time.

you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases:
- "When I was younger..."
- "When I was your age..."
- "You know, back when..."
- "Because I SAID so, that's why!"
- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?"
- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."

you can't remember a time when 'going out for coffee'
DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

'Schoolhouse Rock' played a HUGE part in how
you actually learned the English language.

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are
starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am."

you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing.

flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election,
and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs,
you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.

the first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped
because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President,
not this 'Jesse' character.

you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a
Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable
tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

'Celebration' by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs
when you first heard it at a school dance.

the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during
'Crazy for You' by Madonna.

there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went
by the names of 'Skip,' 'Buffy,' 'Muffy' or 'Dexter.'

you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on
Mr. T actually looked kinda cool, and the thought that Mr. T
made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine
hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

you read the 'Hot Video Games Player's Secrets' guide
for Mortal Kombat, just so you could find the hidden screen,
and play Pong again for old time's sake.

honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly get better special effects than those in the movie 'TRON.'

you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian
from the Disney movie 'The Black Hole' and those blender attachments
he had for hands.

you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight
man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear
outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

(guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie,
Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched, or
(for those hardcore comic fans out there)
Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.

(girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was 'dreamy'; lusted after "Ted, your
ship's photographer," on 'The Love Boat;' and Chachi; or, to keep it fair to
the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on 'Scooby Doo.'

you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.

you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday,
and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.

you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian," and immediately had someone
call you a hypocrite by saying, "Nice leather jacket you have there...
and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"

you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all,
and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.

you freaked out when you found that you now fall into
the '26 - 50' age category on most questionnaires.

you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be
socially inappropriate for you to date, due to their age.

your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which
can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."

this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
- 'Star Wars' opens--you are still in single digit ages,
and you think the creatures are WAY cool.
- 'Empire Strikes Back' opens--you are now in early double digit ages,
and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the
characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there.
- 'Return of the Jedi' hits the theaters--you are now a teenager, and
you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt.
You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club
for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and 'teen'-type magazine
spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.


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