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I went back to my Obstetrician for the usual 6 week check - we
talked mainly about another pregnancy. I was concerned that after 4 Sections
already this would not be possible - I had also had other gynaecological surgery
and wondered whether this would have left too much scaring to even attempt
another pregnancy.
I was advised that it should be okay, would need to be
referred to a specialist and I would also need to seek out genetic counselling
to see if we would give birth to another child with microcephaly.
And so started yet another roller coaster ride of
emotions. All I wanted was my baby back again - but then how could I want
him back when I did not want him in the beginning - and was having another
pregnancy what I really wanted!!! All questions that I went over and over
again inside my head - it was just very draining on my energy levels.
I saw the geneticist first up who took family history but
informed us that it was not hereditary - 'just one of those things'. I had
a 1 in 10 chance of the same condition happening in my next pregnancy!!!
So what do I do - I had a desperate need for a pregnancy - a need to end my
fertility on a good note - a need to be fertile again. The pain endured
over the months I was infertile was unbelievable - I could actually feel an egg
each month trying to force it's way down the tube but to no avail. I kept
wishing I was pregnant.
I visited a specialist who was able to perform microsurgery and he
suggested I seek the help of a Social Worker. It was during this time that
I did the majority of my grief work - very scary stuff and a place where I would
not like to go back to today. We looked at all my reasons for having my
tubes reversed and the pain that I was experiencing with Ben. I just
wanted it all to go away - but it would not and I had to face it head on if I
was to be able to get through the next operation okay.
It was suggested I attend a support group for bereaved
parents. I was unsure about this - did I want to share all my feelings
with other people especially when I was not comfortable with them
myself! I decided I would give it a go - I had nothing to loose and
if I was going to get emotionally well I had to at least try out what was
suggested for me. My husband did not come with me on my first meeting
although he did come further down the track.
The first meeting was really scary - I sat and listened for
many of the meetings I attended but just by doing this I had my own emotions and
feelings acknowledged by hearing them from the others present. It was good
to know that I was 'okay and normal'!!
I went into hospital in May 1986 and my tubes were reversed
back to their normal state. Would it be successful? Would I fall
pregnant? I had come along way since the time when Ben first died.
I felt comfortable with his death although I still missed him terribly.
Now I just wanted to get pregnant ........ but would it work!!
The waiting each month began ........ disappointment for the
first few months but by November I was pregnant. And another
rollercoaster ride began.........
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ANOTHER PREGNANCY