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We visited Ben just prior to his
funeral service. We had asked our two older children if they wished to be
present too. Our son said yes but our daughter declined. We did not
give our 5 year an option - we decided it was best she stay at school -
something I regret - I realise now that it would have been better if she had
been able to say her goodbye's. My best
It was a
difficult time. My husband had chosen a funeral director not far from our
home - again in hindsight I wish it had been further away as every time I drove
past it was a reminder.
Ben was in his
tiny casket when we visited. I knew instinctively that I had to hold him
but was afraid to do this without permission of the funeral directors - weird
when it was our baby. We went and asked if it would be okay if I held him
and they came and handed him to me. He was cold but he was my baby and I
loved him very much. Many tears were shed again and it was hard to put him
back into his coffin when really I wanted to put him in a bassinet and take him
home with me. I was able to silently say the words I wanted to my most
precious son. He was beautiful and I wondered why he had died.
We left the
funeral parlour and headed off to the school to pick up our children and then
onwards to the cemetery for the funeral service. I am sure we followed our son up
to the cemetery as he arrived at the same time as we did!
Things did not go
as planned. The chapel we had requested was still being used and so Ben's
coffin was not in place as we had asked. Many people had come to support
us and we just waited outside wondering what was happening. Many people
commented on how well I looked and how well I was coping - if they only knew -
the pain was horrific!!!
Eventually, it
was decided that we would use the chapel next door. Peter carried Ben's
coffin down and put it in place for the service. I can not remember a
thing about the service at all. Comments were that it was very nice.
We had asked the minister from the local church to say the service for us.
People stayed for
a while and then left. We went home as a family.
One thing I do
remember is that my parents did not attend. They lived an hour away from
the city and even though I said it was okay at the time I felt quite hurt that
my Mum was not there to support me. Part of me understands - she had
experienced a stillbirth - her last child - and after talking with her I imagine
it would have been quite painful for her to attend. But I did needed her
there - I was her daughter and child too!!
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BEN'S
FUNERAL