We had been using a natural method of contraception and I knew exactly when I had ovulated.  We had not had a sex during that time and so I was just so sure that I just could not be pregnant.  

The first few weeks my emotions were very much up and down.  What was I going to do?  How would I cope?  Delighted!  Shocked!  Fearful! Angry!  Very mixed emotions.  Many tears were shed.  I went to see my local Dr who prescribed some antidepressants to help me cope with everyday chores.

I thought about abortion - went to the Hospital where I thought I was going to speak with someone who would help us through my very mixed emotions and enable me to make an informed decision. (I knew my husband was not keen on an abortion but would came along with me to consider this option.)  Instead we saw the Doctor who would perform the abortion.  He spoke of it happening that very week!!  I realised that perhaps this was not what I wished to happen so decided not to go ahead.  I went home unsure of why this was all happening and although I tried my hardest to be happy about this pregnancy this was not to be.

The pregnancy was full of ups and downs.  I had this feeling that something was not quite right and so asked for an amniocentesis to be performed.  My Obstetrician was not keen for this to happen but gave the okay when I insisted.  I went for this test at 16 weeks only be told that the baby was not quite big enough and I was to come back in about two weeks - "had I got my dates right?"  I went back again in a couple of weeks and the tests were performed.

The waiting for the results was a time again of mixed emotions - what would we do if something was wrong.  We would be having to make a decision again about termination.  If we decided against this how would our family cope perhaps with a handicapped child.  We never contemplated that our baby would die.

The results came back and showed that everything seemed okay.  The pregnancy continued with still the feeling that things were not quite right.

I had a bout of the worms during my pregnancy - something I had never experienced before in my life.  I felt unclean - unable to tell anyone - was this another sign that things were not okay as I had felt!  I did not tell Doctor but telephoned around as to whether tablets I could get over the counter would hurt the baby I was carrying.  I ended up taking some and the worms were under control.  I have never experienced them since.

Our children were quite excited about the arrival of a new baby.  They started to talk about names and much discussion was around what it was what sex it would be.  We had one boy and two girls so our obvious choice was a boy.

For me the latter part of the pregnancy was extremely difficult emotionally wise.  I tried to be positive but there was this feeling of death hanging over my head - I thought I was going to die.  All my children have been delivered by Caesarian Section and I had this feeling that this was when it was all going to happen.  I did not tell too many people of my fears in fact only one person - my best friend.  I asked her to ensure that my children were okay - talked about all the dreams I had for them - piano playing, enjoying life etc.  I was sure I was not going to be around to see them grow up and become adults.  Of course this was not to be.................... but I did not know that at the time.

My last few appointments with my Doctor also put fear into my that something was not quite right.  I did not seem to be gaining the weight that should have been.  I was seeing my Doctor's partner as he was on leave and so he just felt that it would be okay.

My last visit to my own Doctor the day before I was admitted to hospital for the Section also made me very unsure of what was going to happen.  We had asked for a tubal ligation to be performed at the same time as the section as we were certain that we did not want to enlarge our family any further.  My Doctor asked "If anything is wrong with your baby do you still wish me to go ahead with the tubal ligation."  My heart stopped - what was going to happen?  Did he know something that he was not telling me?   He said he felt everything was okay but needed to be certain that this is what we wanted.  My husband was in the waiting room.  I remember coming out and telling  him, as we were walking to the car, of the conversation I had with my Doctor.  I asked him if I had said the correct thing by saying yes.  He agreed that this is what we wanted.

I went home and prepared to go into hospital that evening ready for the operation the following morning.