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I was born February 25, 1968 to an unmarried woman named Maureen. Back then it was considered shameful to get pregnant "out of wedlock"... so shameful that many girls were sent away from their homes to towns where no one would know them. Many stayed in special "homes" until the birth of their child. Most were told they would forget it ever happened... How??!! How could anyone forget bringing a life into this world? They were lied to and forced to tell lies themselves. The secrecy... The shame...
Thankfully, the times have changed a bit. Society no longer forces a woman to give up her child for lack of a husband. She is no longer an outcast... Many birthmothers are now finding out it's okay to search for their son or daughter. Some people don't want to search and some don't want to be found. But so many do crave that contact. For me it was a deep, burning NEED. I wanted my medical history... I wanted to look into the mirror and know whom I looked like. Do I have siblings? Does she ever think about me? What nationality am I?
I am very fortunate. I was raised in a family filled with love, laughter and great times. My mom and dad had a child of their own 5 years and 8 months before they adopted me. That's my brother, Bob. He's the kewlest brother... :) (are ya readin' this bro?? lol!) They never hid the fact that I was adopted nor did they dwell on it. I first really understood it when I was about 5 years old. I can remember that day clearly. It was like a lightbulb went on in my head and it finally became clear what adoption meant. It didn't matter though... I knew they loved me and I was their child. They made it clear that if I ever wanted to search for my roots they would support me and help me if they could. So while the subject was open, we didn't really discuss it much when I was younger because, well, it really wasn't a big deal to me. As I became older I got more interested in my biological family. Every time I dated a new guy my first thought was "omigosh... are we related?". Then I began to wonder about hereditary health problems... The doctors have asked for my medical background so many times and I have always had to just shrug my shoulders and tell them I don't have a clue. It was so frustrating.
I always knew I would search, I just didn't know when. I started to dabble with it in 1986 when I turned 18. I really didn't know where to start, got a little info but nothing exciting. Then in October of 1995 I signed onto Prodigy. I started out in the animal chat rooms and bulletin boards. Then I thought "Hey! I wonder if they have any kind of adoption BB?!"
I typed in a search and "Lo, and behold!" there was a whole forum dedicated to all aspects of adoption! I sat back and read everything I could, learned the terminology and then even posted my info. I made some friends that told me about IRC chat on DALnet and Undernet and away I went! I became a regular at #adoption on DALnet. I met so many special people that understood all the emotions I was feeling... and they pointed me in the right direction for searching.
I signed up on every online registry that I could find. I posted my info every where! Then I registered with International Soundex Reunion Registry (I.S.R.R.). About 2 weeks after I sent my registration in I went to my P.O. Box and there was a letter in it from I.S.R.R.. I started shaking. I knew that they don't contact you just to confirm your entry... they only do if they think they have a match.... So I stood in the Post Office trembling-time stood still. I couldn't open it. I drove home still trembling and crying with the letter in my lap. Poor Richard! He must have thought someone died! I walked in looked at him, started bawling and collapsed into his arms. When I finally calmed down I showed him the envelope. He said, "Why are you crying? You haven't even read it yet. Open it!!" I did and yep! They thought they had a possible match. Unfortunately this was Friday night and they wouldn't be open until Monday A.M.! Talk about a long weekend! When I called Tony said he needed more information and that I should call the adoption agency and get my non-identifying information. I called CHS and filled out all the paperwork and turned it in. They were very nice and sped up the whole process since they knew we might have a mutual consent match. It took about 3 weeks to get back to me. Well, to make an already long story short... it wasn't a match. I was crestfallen!
I searched some more on my own for a couple more years and hit a few low spots emotionally. I started thinking about hiring a confidential intermediary but just couldn't afford it. Then I got a Christmas card from my dear friend Angie. In it was a tiny envelope that said "Enjoy Shopping!" I just sat there and thought... what do I want to buy? Then I realized it would go into the "kitty" to hire a CI. I asked around and found a CI that I felt comfortable with (thanks for referring her to me Keri!). Richard set aside the rest of the $ as part of my Christmas present and we were off and running!
I hired Janet in January. On March 6, 1999 I received an email from Janet saying she found her and that I needed to write a letter to her. That's when she told me her name was Maureen. Then when Janet got the letter she began trying to contact Maureen. The waiting was excruciatingly painful! I was trying so hard to prepare myself for her to say she didn't want contact but I couldn't help but hope... Then Janet called me and told that Maureen wanted contact! We had to wait until Maureen signed consent papers before Janet could release our info to each other but this time the wait wasn't so bad... Just knowing that she wanted contact made it that much easier!
On April 1, 1999 at 8:15 PM I spoke to my birthmom for the first time. It was surreal. I hardly remember any of it... It was so overwhelming... We communicated via phone, email and AOL Instant Messenger until August 1st... Then we were finally face to face and hand in hand. It was truly amazing... We look so much alike... I will go into a bit more detail later... I am writing this in the wee hours of the morning and my bed is looking mighty nice right about now! Stay tuned!
The first
thing I recommend is for everyone that is searching is to register with I.S.R.R.. It is a free non-profit organization that
helps match people in search of each other. They do NOT conduct searches but if the party you are searching for is registered
with them they will contact you. International Soundex Reunion Registry,
PO Box 2312,
Carson City, NV 89702
(702) 882-7755
Send a business size s.a.s.e and a note
requesting a registration form.
Join other triad members in #adoption on DALnet! A great group of people gather together all hours of the day, from all over the world to discuss adoption issues. If you need help in starting your search or just to talk with others that understand the complex feelings that surround adoption... stop in! I'm not there as often as I used to be but I go by the name ^glacier^. Hope to see you there!
I use mIRC to chat on IRC. If you'd like to try this great program click on the button
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