Saturday Ramblins, Vol. 1, No. 10 (July 18, 1998)

Ed note: An important component of the grieving process is the ability to accept the death of a loved one. For some people acceptance comes in bits and pieces, for others it comes at the end of the process and all at once. For Papa Jon, a piece of his acceptance has come through his magnificent tribute to Lana—the woman she was—and all that she meant to Jon.

"Let her go," my friends have told me. But letting go requires an act of faith. It is believing that even though things have changed, they will remain the same. By that I mean believing Lana will be with me the rest of my life, as we planned on this earth. Lana will be there when I need her, as we planned on this earth. Lana will love me and I will love her to my dying day, as we planned on this earth. It is but the earthly Lana who is gone--the Lana who lived in this world and shone with the light of a thousand summers. The Lana who laughed, who cried, who loved, who passed out kisses and affection like there was no tomorrow. It is that Lana I have to let go.

A gifted musician, a flutist--Lana was, herself, a musical opus. Each passage, each figure, was richer than the last as she drew you further and further to the music deep within her. Some passages were brilliant and joyful tone poems, some tender, others raucous and full of life. Some were somber and brooding, some tentative and fearful, a few even angry. Each was underscored with a joy and love of life. All ultimately led to the Great Composer who guided her life: God. Lana was a joyful noise--a true child of God--in every way.

Nowhere was the character of this woman more revealing than in her love and devotion to her children. Bordering on compulsion (by her own admission), she was devoted to every aspect of their lives. She took time to know her children, to know their thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. Lana gave her children the greatest gift any of us could ever give. She gave them herself—and it's a gift they will carry within them forever.

As my best friend, lover and life-long companion, Lana's gift to me was no less. Both of us were products of abusive marriages resulting from bad choices made for reasons not worth going into here. Suffice it to say, even before we met each other, the Holy Spirit had touched our hearts teaching us there were better ways to live. Because of each other, for the first time in our lives we lived a healthy relationship: one based entirely on unconditional love. It made every day better than the last.

Looking back on our troubled past lives, we used to tell each other that God saved the best for last--for both of us. How prophetic those words seem today. I have to believe. I have to have faith in what God intended. In His plan for us we discovered we did not have to live, or die, unloved.

I was some twenty years older than Lana. From the first moment we fell in love, she told me she wanted to have a child with me, more than one if God would so allow. Just the thought of it touched and thrilled this old goat beyond words. But, I protested to her, I would not be in that child's life, nor her life for that matter, as long as a younger man would. Lana accepted that and told me if I went first, she would keep me alive in the hearts of the children for as long as she lived. Neither of us could know the irony of that sentiment at the time.

After she was diagnosed with cancer and her prognosis included aggressive radiation treatment, Lana agonized, not over the fact she wouldn't be able to have children again, but that I would be disappointed in her. Sweet God in Heaven, Lana--having a child with you would have been a joy beyond all expectations, but it was you that was important and all I ever wanted: having you here for your children, for me. That's what I told her. That's what I still tell her in the dark corners of the night. Her children and my children would have been our family, our teaghlach, to use the Irish word so special to both of us.

In the end, what do I say to this remarkable woman--this angel who flew into my life one evening, forever changing it? Once again, this cut and paste artist who unabashedly and unashamedly borrows from any source he can find to produce the daily Angel Friends' post, can only quote popular music and song off the top of his head at any moment of his life. So, from the song I had picked out to sing to her at our wedding--for my Lana, my hero in every way ...

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