Pssstttt, Tiffany ... It's Me, God
by: Angel Friend Tiffany J. Tyson

Saturday Ramblins, Vol. 1, No. 14 (August 15, 1998)

I am a 22 year old college student. I have one semester left in school. I married last September. This summer was to be joyfully shared with my new husband, we had lots of plans. He was just out of the Navy, so we wanted to do some traveling together. However, God had other plans for both of us. Plans that neither of us could ever have guessed, ones that we never would have wanted or agreed to if we known them.

In February, Jeff was diagnosed with acute lymphatic leukemia. Jeff was 23, not a child. How could this be? We were given hope that everything would be wonderful. I considered this a bump in our lives, all would be fine.

Jeff's doctor said this cancer the highest remission/cure rate. This gave us tremendous hope and Jeff spent a week in the hospital undergoing tests and beginning his chemotherapy treatments. He sailed right through all of this, not sick, not losing much energy, keeping upbeat: nothing happened. Valentine's Day, he came home.

The following Friday, Jeff experienced severe abdominal pain and we went to the emergency room late that night. He had an infection of the intestines requiring surgery, which at that time was dangerous because his white cell count was 300. I was never so scared in my life.

Jeff spent six weeks in the hospital, first in ICU then in Oncology. There, he suffered respiratory arrest and went into a coma. They revived him and returned him to the ICU. I reached a level of fear I never knew existed.

I was given no hope for our future. Jeff had only essential brain stem activities. I couldn't give up hope. Everyone hears about miracles — people in a coma for years coming out of it perfectly fine. This would happen for Jeff, I thought. It didn't. He died March 19th.

I was forced to think about what I was going to do without him. I asked, "Now what?" Five months later I am still asking.

When Jeff died, parts of me died too — my hopes, my dreams; it felt like all my life went. I live everyday, physically, not knowing how I make it, and not caring if I do make it.

Mom told me that God took Jeff because He wanted to laugh. I told her that I wanted to laugh too, and now I couldn't. I was angry at God for taking my love and my joy for himself. I wanted to know why God took Jeff and not anyone else. Jeff wanted to be a firefighter, he loved all people and helped anybody in need.

We didn't have a full year together in the same place. We had nine months together, six of them married. In the weeks after his death, I would not take his jacket off. I wore it everywhere, everyday, even when it was too warm. Mom said it was because then I felt like I always had his arms around me, which is probably very close to the truth.

When I try to vent or just need someone to listen, Mom will say, "It's like when..." No, it isn't. Just listen to me!! Let him go? Why should I? Why can't I love him the way I do forever? He's not here, I cannot make him come back. What difference does it make? I'm affecting only myself by holding him forever. And, what does "Let him go" mean?

Few people really understand. Most people who lose their husbands have fulfilled their plans: they have had children, purchased their house — they have spent years together, not months. Therefore, they think those that have only spent months together don't hurt with the same intensity. They are gravely mistaken. I hurt every bit as much.

Jeff's birthday is August 15. He would have been 24. For Jeff's birthday, I have written him this story. It is the continuation of a story that I wrote him for Valentine's Day, 1996. I believe it meant a lot to him.

Happy Birthday, Jeff. I miss you very much. And I love you.

Pssstttt.... Tiffany. Hey, wake up. It's me, God. Listen to me.

Yes, God, I'm here. I'm listening.

Did you love him?

Yes, Lord, I loved him with all that I could, all that I had.

Were you good to him? Did you take care of him?

I tried to be the best I could. And I did the best that I was able.

That's good enough, then. This is the reason I gave him to you; to love him as only you could. And to show him, before his time was up, how wonderful life and love can be. He'd been hurt so badly before - I trusted you'd make him better, happy, and you did. You healed his faith in Me and helped him to see brighter days in all of his gloom.

Why, God? Why tell me I had a lifetime with him - a lifetime and that time meant nothing - if You knew he'd soon be Yours? How could You have lied to me so?

If I told you then, what you know now, would you have let yourself love him so? Now continue on you path. Jeff waits for you at the end - he always will. He's watching you, protecting you and loving you, more everyday. Continue to love him. But live life.

And He was gone.

God?

No answer. God has left to watch over me, too.

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