Get your own Free Home PageGood Grief
by: Jon Crane
Saturday Ramblins, Vol. 2, No. 18 (September 11, 1999)
About year ago I observed in these pages, following the death of my financeé Lana, that after five months and four articles on grief, I had no telling insights into the process of grief. I still don't.
It's been 15 months since Lana died. I've been through the stages of grief so many times, I've lost count. I still go into denial on occasion. I still believe (or want to) that she's going to walk through the door or call on the phone. But those moments don't last very long anymore. I accepted long ago that she's gone; she's with God. I take great comfort in the fact that God has given her the greatest gifts He possesses for any of us. But I still have moments where I get a little ticked with Him for giving them to her so early in her earthly life.
One of the hardest and longest battles I've fought is with guilt. I realize it's a normal part of the process of grieving, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Often after a loss we think "would'a, should'a, could'a." If only I'd have done more of this or less of that. If only I would have been at the hospital when she died (suddenly, as a result of a blood clot following surgery). "Would'a, should'a, could'a." Put those words in one hand and a dime and nickel in the other and you have 15 cents.
Guilt doesn't end with should'a, could'a, etc. There was a point in the months following Lana's death where it occurred to me that several hours had passed and I hadn't thought of her, being busy with this or that at work. Immediately, I felt I betrayed her - betrayed her memory. Shouldn't I be mourning her every moment? Didn't I read somewhere that the pain we experience during the grieving process (emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical) is a tribute to the love we have for that person? If I didn't grieve her every moment; if I began having "normal" moments interacting with other people, wasn't I denying my love for Lana?
Another time, about five months after Lana's death while talking to a very nice woman in an auto repair shop's waiting room, it crossed my mind to ask her if she'd like to meet sometime for a cup of coffee. Guilt slammed into me hard at that moment. I had betrayed her again. Did Lana see all these moments from Heaven and think, "See, he's forgotten me already."
I think not. Grief is a process. Grief is necessary. Grief is good for it is what leads us back to life as it will be - no matter how different - after the loss of someone we love. Guilt is a natural part of it.
It's necessary to remember two things. First of all, no two of us grieve exactly the same way. Grief is highly personal. Secondly, and most importantly, our faith in God should underscore the entire process. We may be angry with Him, we may be ready to reject Him altogether in our worst moments for taking someone precious from our lives. Even at those times, whether we are aware of it or not, God is never very far away. His hand is always extended towards us.
Acceptance, i.e., the passage from life as it was to life as it will be today and in the future is a passage of faith. It is not for us to decide what is a blessing in our lives or what is a hardship. God has His reasons and He may not always reveal them fully, if at all.
Lana is still capable of coming up on me unawares and sticking something sharp into my heart. There are days when memories are bittersweet at best. But life is getting better. God has seen to that. What may seem like something being stolen from our life may really be, in the light of faith, another of God's great gifts.
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