Saturday Ramblins, Vol. 3, EXTRA (October 15, 2000)

Did you know that last week was National Pet Peeve Week? Neither did I until I saw something about it in the paper (one of my pet peeves is that everything on earth now has it’s own day, week or month). Now you might expect me to join in the spirit and make a list of my pet peeves. But I’m going to buck the trend. I’m going to address the sources of my pet peeves. Who knows? It might do some good.

To those drivers who constantly jump from lane to lane to lane during rush hour: get a clue. The reason that the lanes are stopping and starting is because of rocket scientists like you who cut drivers off, forcing brake lights to flash for a half-mile behind you.

To other drivers – that thing that protrudes from the left side of your steering wheel operates your turn signals. Use it. The rest of us aren’t mind readers.

Okay, I admit it: I love my cell phone. I never leave home without it. One day they’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers. When cell phones are outlawed, only outlaws will have cell phones. That being said, drivers: hang up and drive! Driving takes 100% of your attention. And while we’re on the subject, give the rest of us a break in a restaurant. Take your call outside. Finally, I’m all for the installation of pass-through cell phone detectors in movie theaters. You don’t need an advanced university degree to realize talking on the phone during a movie goes beyond rude. Please. Lock it in the car or leave it at home.

Now that we’re at the movies, don’t talk. I came to hear the movie, not listen to you plan your entire wedding (that actually happened to me), comment on the film or talk about things best left said over a cup of coffee before or after the film.

Young parents … leave the baby at home. Your three-month-old is not going to appreciate the subtleties of the film. He’s probably going to cry at some point. And, as happened to me a few weeks ago, you’re not going to take him out to the lobby, are you? Like movies? please, get a babysitter. Haven’t got the money for a sitter and a movie? One word for you: Blockbuster. Babies, like cell phones, do not belong in movie theatres.

Fast food workers … what can I say? Okay, I know it’s just “flippin’ burgers,” but don’t take it out on me. Remember, I’m the customer. I pay your salary. How about a smile and a greeting rather than making me feel like I’m an intrusion in your life? Our local franchise of a national fast food chain which shall remain McNameless has the admirable habit of hiring people who are mentally or physically challenged. Often, they bus tables, collect trays and clean up after customers. Watch them, counter workers. Watch the pride they take in their jobs and the cheerfulness they impart to the customers (who pay your salaries). So it’s “flippin’ burgers,” but unless it is what you want to do the rest of your life, get a clue. Give a little service; give a little smile.

Age-old peeve that, I’m convinced, goes back to biblical times: makers of hot dogs and bakers of hot dog buns. Can we agree upon a number? Why ten dogs to a package and only eight buns? Is there some special use for the remaining two hot dogs I’m unaware of?

All makers of anything that comes in small, sealed packets: is your expectation that through the evolutionary process over the next ten years our left hands will turn into a claw to open same? At a restaurant the other day, I repeatedly stabbed a tiny plastic butter tub with a knife in an attempt to get it open (my actions scaring other diners, I might add).

To anyone who uses an elevator: (1) don’t be surprised when the door opens to see people in the elevator (2) when those people attempt to exit the elevator, wait a moment for them to step out instead of continuing to push your way in like a salmon swimming up stream.

When answering the phone for your company or organization, give your name in your greeting. You may be the person I’m looking for. Oh, one other thing: sound happy to hear from me. I'm your customer. I pay your salary (see “fast food” above).

Shoppers: when you’re in the check-out line at the register, don’t be surprised when the cashier turns to you after ringing up your purchases and says, “That’ll be $_______.” Be prepared. They are going to ask you for money. Use the time spent waiting to dig for your cash or checkbook. Make out your check, all but the dollar amount, while you’re waiting. Or, have that debit card at the ready in your hand.

One final shopper note: If your cash total includes a penny amount, don’t make it your life’s mission to find that penny at the bottom of your bag. If I’m behind you, turn to me. I’ll give it to you.

Oh, if you’re the cashier, thank me for my business. I’m your customer. I pay your salary. You’d be surprised how far “please” and “thank you” go in this world.

I could go on and on but choose not to. I don’t want to become one of your pet peeves – you know, the people who are always complaining. And lest I forget, thank you for taking the time to read this. You are my customer, after all.