Humour

Been Here ?

A Few Priceless Quips

Is there a rift in Mugabe's Marriage ?

Robert giving Zanu PF and Grace an MDC Salute

"Expressions For High Stress Days"

1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
8. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
9.. Stress is when you wake up screaming, and you realise you weren't asleep.
10. How many times do I have to flush before you go away.
11. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
12. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
13. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
14. Earth is full. Go home.
15. Is it time for your medication or mine?
16. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
17. How do I set a laser printer to stun.
18. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
19. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
20. Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark...................................$1.00
Knowing where to put it...........$49,999.00

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you a week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Rules of Life

For those of you looking for the rules of life....

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error: experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".

4. The lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go onto the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. There is no better "here". When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget almost all of this.

WHY EXERCISE? Comrades runner.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

The Ballad of Hansie Cronje
(to the tune of American Pie - with apologies to Don McClean) by Giada Del Fabbro

Not so long ago, I can still remember how that boytjie used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance, I could melt his stony glance and maybe sokkie with the chappie for a while
But April mornings made me shiver with every paper I delivered
Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn't take one more step
I can't remember if I cried when I read about the bookie's bribe
But something touched me deep inside the day the captain lied

CHORUS
So bye bye cricket's Mr Nice Guy
Made a packet from a racket that was too big to hide
And good old boys were drinking klippies that night
Singing this'll be the day that I die, this'll be the day that I die

Did you grease the wickie's glove and do you have faith in God above or did the pastor tell you so?
And do you believe in Azhar's role, can Cassim save your mortal soul and can you teach me how to bowl real slow?
Well I know that you're involved with him, cos I saw him handing you that SIM
Did he have you in a trance, I guess you never stood a chance
I was a lonely teenage cricket fan with a crimson protea and a Hilux van but I know I cancelled all my plans the day the captain lied

CHORUS
Now for five years we've been deceived, wheeled and dealed and finally grieved, but that's not how it used to be
When 'MK' sang for the King, in a coat he borrowed from Azharuddin and a voice that came from the subcontinent sea
And while the King was looking down, MK stole his thorny crown - the commission is adjourned - will a verdict be returned?
And while heroes fall and lawyers bark, the cameras focus in the park and we sang dirges in the dark the day the captain lied

CHORUS

Helter skelter in the Indian swelter supporters flew off in a fall-out shelter 10000 miles high and falling fast
And landed flat out on the pitch where Gibbs could not resist a six with the 'jesters' on the sideline getting rix'd
Now the interval air was sweet perfume while 'Banjo's' played a marching tune, we gave the man a chance but he did a merry dance
As the players tried to take the field, the marching band refused to yield, do you recall what was revealed the day the captain lied?

CHORUS

Oh in there they were all in one place, so many trying to save face with no time left to start again
So come on Hans be nimble, hit a six, throw a match with just a nick, does the cash justify the end?
And as I watched him on the stand, pity stilled my angry hands, could the captain's personal hell break Satan's global cricket spell?
And as the flames climbed high into the night to light the sacrificial rite, I saw Satan laughing with delight the day the captain lied

CHORUS

I met a boy who played to win and I asked him if he'd bat again but he just smiled and turned away
And I went down to the sacred ground where I'd watched the captain's debut victory round but the man there said the ground was closed for days
And in the streets the critics screamed, cricket lovers cried and poets dreamed, not a word was spoken, the church bells all were broken
And all the men behind the scenes - Percy, Ali, the whole damn team - closed the ranks and tightened seams the day the captain lied.

Bumper Stickers:

1. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
2. Rehab is for quitters.
3. If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
4. Two wrongs don't make a right but two Wrights made an airplane!
5. 100% of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get hungry.
6. I like feminists--I think they're cute.
7. Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic).
8. Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians.
9. "Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200."
10. A rock --> Me <-- A hard place.

10 Bumper Stickers we would like to see:

1. Refuse Novocain...Transcend Dental Medication.
2. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
4. Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.
5. Life--it's nothing like the brochure!
6. Above all else: Sky.
7. Condense soup, not books.
8. Be alert--the world needs more lerts.
9. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
10. Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.

LETTER FOUND IN A "PERSONAL PROBLEMS" ADVICE COLUMN
(Thinking of Emigrating)

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a South African.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a South African?

Province of Inhumbane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
MOZAMBIQUE

WARNING

Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry Fish and Wildlife, Inhumbane Branch, Mozambique is advising hikers, fisherman, and any motorcyclists that use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit.  Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur.  Big lion shit has bells in it, and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in
MOZAMBIQUE

Position: PARENT

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.  Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.

Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in and shoot Saddam Hussein?" on the fly. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.

~~~  Preparation for Parenthood  ~~~

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the     pharmacist to help himself.  Then go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.  Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am.  As you can't goback to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at  2:45am.  Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.  Sing songs in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.  There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube.     Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and     an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan.  And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.  Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5
minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

Walk with Pride

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.  It was the first time
he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The
Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by.  The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed,
"R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman,
extremely embarrassed, sat back down.  A friendly fan, seeing
the Scotchman's embarrassment, leaned over and said,  "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotchman then stood up and screamed,  "Walk with pride, laddie...walk with pride!"

Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You need to be careful about trying these
techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a
single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't
you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20
minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Two New Elements in Periodic Table

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

 *******************************************************

Element Name: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as younger samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating  with alcohol.

Usage: None Known. Possibly good methane source. Typical samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Showering

How To Shower Like A Woman:

  1. Take off clothing and place it in laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband
      along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
  3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can
      complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
  4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
  7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
      Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
  8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
  9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom
      to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man

  1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
  3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size
      of your dick in the mirror, scratch.
  4. Get in the shower.
  5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
  6. Wash your face
  7. Wash your armpits
  8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
  9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of
      the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your
       dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

AN EASY GUIDE TO POLITICAL IDEOLOGIES:

 FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

 FASCISM:
 You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
 have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

 DICTATORSHIP:
 You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

 NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM:
 You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

 PURE DEMOCRACY:
 You have two cows. Your neighbous decide who gets the milk.

 SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
 You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed  farm animals in an apartment.

 REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
 You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the  milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
 The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After  the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.  The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
 You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

 EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
 You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed  them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.  Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for  the missing cows.

 CAPITALISM:
 You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

 HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
 You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so  that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian  intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the  listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of  bad feng shui.

 TOTALITARIANISM:
 You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed.  Milk is banned.

 POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
 You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the  phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but  no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

 SURREALISM:
 You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica  lessons.

If you love something, set it free.
 If it comes back, It will always be yours.
 If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to
 begin with.
 
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't
appear to realize that you had set it free.....
 
You either married it or fathered it.

An old man had a doctor's appointment and as he was a little of the deaf side,
his wife had to accompany him to make sure she knew what was going on and also to explain
to her husband in case he didn't hear the doctor. 
"OK," said the doctor, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man didn't hear the doctor so he turned to his wife and yelled,"What does he want?"
The old lady yelled back to her husband, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Not my Job