RITA RUDNER'S FACTS ABOUT MEN
Submitted to me via "Birthday Page" Becky!
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble,
he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're
really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call
him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one
under my pillow instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our
relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of
even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a
fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have
two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types:
nerdy and not nerdy.
12.Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.
Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
black tuxedo."
14.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches
from the door.
15.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right,"
if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a
psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The
cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are
outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget...he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
23.Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I
asked him,"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but
not with each other."
24.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want
to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow
up identifying with Barbie.
26.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
27.Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
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