one–liners — jokes — home last changed 31 May 2007 some profanity is found on this page

one–liners

I think most of these were pulled from tee shirts and bumper stickers. Enjoy!

• Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• You look like shit. Is that the style now?
• Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
• If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
• Better living through denial.
• One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• Adult child of alien invaders.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• Adults are just kids who owe money.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
• If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
• It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
• Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
• I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
• Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
• A PBS mind in an MTV world.
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
• Earth is full. Go home.
• Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after.
• You! Off my planet!
• Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
• Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Allow me to introduce my selves.
• And just how may I screw you over today?
• It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder— my work here is done.
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
• Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
• Does this condom make me look fat?
• The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
• I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
• I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
• This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
• And which dwarf are you?
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
• A woman's favorite position is CEO.