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dear advertisers — rants — home last changed 2 October 2006 there is some minor profanity on this page |
I hate advertisements. I don't care what you want me to buy, I don't care how badly you want my money. I don't want your crap, and I don't want to give you an excuse to keep making it.
There is no redeeming quality in advertisements, or the companies that produce them, or the people who run those companies. My reasoned opinion is that anyone who works for an advertising agency is dishonest and perhaps a little deficient in the mental arena, and here's why. You're giving your time and whatever creative talents you have to a company that attempts to compel us to buy things we don't need or want and often have no realistic use for. That's not friendly, it's not ethical, and it's not okay.
Working for an advertising agency is marginally better than working for a tobacco company, since advertisements aren't developed for the sole purpose of killing people. Marginally better.
There is still very little distinction between the perpetrator and the knowing accomplice. And somehow I doubt that you can work for an advertising agency without seeing the scum. So you know that you're doing a rotten thing, and you continue to do it anyway. You know who you are, you know I'm right, and now you know why I hate you.
Face it; you suck. You're too sleazy to get a respectable job, so you went into advertising. Do us all a favor; use your ill–gotten commissions to get yourself a good lobotomy.
I know what soap is all about and I'm going to buy it anyway, so there's not much point in advertising its existence. When I get to the supermarket, I'm going to find your soap on the shelf, sitting next to all of its competitors. I'm not going to believe anything you tell me in your advertisements, because I know that you're lying to make your product sound better than it will ever be, so your soap is no better in my opinion than any other soap. The good news for you is that I don't believe anybody else's advertisements either.
I am, however, going to remember your advertisements when my eye passes over the name of your soap. And I find it amusing that you actually want me to remember your advertisements at that moment. The humor is in the fact that, since I hate advertisements, the bottom line for you and your parasitic excuse for a company is that the more your advertisements annoy me, the more likely I am to buy somebody else's soap.
I hate advertisements for being the hidden purpose of television. Ads are so ubiquitous that the programs I want to watch actually seem like interruptions in the stream of white noise. That's ridiculous, and intolerable.
I watch television for a few specific programs. I might turn the tv on at any time of the day or night, flip through the channels to see what's on, and then turn it off after any length of time ranging from 10 seconds to 10 hours. And if I find a program I want to watch, every few minutes I am compelled to pick up the remote and mute a stream of amateur "music" and boldfaced lies. The decision to turn the television off comes mostly from annoyance with the advertisements.
You just don't get it, do you? I already know what I need, and you don't get to have a say in it. I don't care what you think I should need. Shut up.
Speaking of music, I hate advertisements for the irritating and pointless sound tracks. Unless the advertisement is trying to sell something directly related to music, it doesn't need or deserve a score.
If I don't like the sound of your voice (and statistically, I don't) no amount of music is going to change that. I have no problem with you wasting your money on purchasing rights to a piece of music. I just think you're a numbskull for using that music in a miserable attempt to sell cars, fishing lures, shoes, eyeliner, computer parts, or outpatient services.
I hate advertisements for being louder than whatever I'm trying to watch. It takes a full five seconds of pressing the Volume–down button to reduce the decibel level of the commercial to match the program I was trying to watch before you so rudely interrupted. So all the money you spent hiring somebody to lie about your overpriced crap is wasted when I mash down the Mute button. You might as well roll up the money and smoke it.
You must be under the mistaken impression that, at any given commercial break, I'm suddenly getting up from my chair to vacuum the back bedroom while a Boeing 747 screams twenty feet above my house. Meanwhile, I've also lost the remote in the couch cushions, and I need you to adjust the volume for me so that I don't miss the opportunity–of–a–lifetime to purchase whatever excrement you're trying to sell me today. Your stupidity never ceases to amaze and disgust me.
You've clearly forgotten my cardinal rules of television viewing. Allow me to refresh your memory. I don't care who you are, I don't care what you think I should like, and I don't want anything you can give me. If you're saying "yes but..." go back to the top of this page and begin reading again. Do it now!
I hate advertisements for using celebrity spokespeople to sell crap. Apparently, the hope is that I'll be so starstruck, so stupid, that I'll buy whatever they tell me to in the desperate hope that I'll be like them some day, or at least earn some brownie points so I can have an autograph. Unfortunately for them, and whatever movies or tv shows they're on, I reserve the right to think less of them for appearing in your advertisements.
Don't project your own stupidity onto me. I'm not going to assume that celebrities use every piece of crap they talk about. More to the point, I don't care if they use it or not. That's right; I don't care about your product and I don't care whether or not your spokespeople use it. You just paid them to read a spiel about it, which tells me that you're an idiot and they're desperate for a little airtime but says nothing about your product.
I hate advertisements for being repetitive. I know it's a gimmick; it's the same one elementary school teachers use. Repeat something long enough and pretty soon the people stupid enough to listen to you will be repeating it as well. Congratulations, you're a broken record. You know what I do with broken records? I throw them away. Your product is trash, your spiel is trash, and you are trash.
I don't give a flying rat's ass about the sales at the Kia dealership down the road. I'm not going to suddenly develop the urge to buy a Kia when I see one on television. I don't care if it's the biggest sale ever. The car still costs too much, it still sucks, and I still don't want it. More to the point, I still hate advertisements, and that fact alone is enough to keep me from buying your crappy ugly stupid car. If I decide that I want a Kia bad enough to put up with the harassment of dealing with a sales staff, I might go to a dealership and get one; the rest of the time I'd like to be blissfully unaware of its existence. There is no bliss in hearing about the Kia dealership five times an hour.
I'll make it simple. I hate advertisements for calling me stupid. The basic assumption underlying all advertisements is that I'm not smart enough to make my own purchasing decisions. You want me to think I need your product and to believe you when you tell me that nobody else can make a product like yours. You're full of crap, and I hate you.
On the bright side, everybody is finally waking up to the fact that advertisements are more annoying than a fly buzzing around your nose. Do you know why everybody likes recording their shows, why everybody loves the idea of "pause and rewind live tv"? That's right; everybody is starting to hate advertisements, and soon everybody will hate the scumbags who make them.
Get a girlfriend, get a hobby, get a beer, I don't care what it takes... just quit with the advertisements.