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when i look at children
my mind conjures a burning storm
pain and anger, outrage and betrayal
i was never young, never carefree
born into adulthood and responsibility
pain and dread ruled me
a darkened lens no child should wear
you tortured me, and made me strong
my only enemy and my only mentor
your names were fear and scorn
when i look at teenagers
my eyes are dark, my face is blank
they are alien to me, inscrutable
i never fully lived my life as they do
mine was predictable, unvarying
from birth i was the model citizen
i appeared to be older, more mature
clean and abstinent, i gave no sign
i wanted to be just like all the rest
but i was muted, shackled, forbidden
when i look at parents
i see weakness and inconsistency
disgust curls my lip, and i turn away
until they speak in anger to their children
then my fury is a conflagration
logic is my despot
if a thing has no sense or reason
i delight in its destruction
but to myself i don't make sense
so by all rights i shouldn't persist
when i look at the very old
i see the falling sands of an hourglass
time is short, as is breath and spirit
like a sailboat under the summer wind
soon they will pass over the horizon
i have an ageless friend
whose face i won't see in this life
deep within his eyes is the answer
but only the unloved will see it there
he who lives with the most love wins
my faults are many and varied
line them up and take your pick
each is just as damning as the one before
one day soon, none of it will matter
with any luck i'll survive til then
is this my home
or do i come from another place
i don't belong here, i don't fit in
i am different than everyone else
a reed crushed between stones
Joel
April 1999
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