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moments — creative writing — hobbies — preferences — home last changed 26 December 2007 |
this page is where i pay homage to some of the low points in my illustrious career as a human. there are two moments here, so far, cryptically named Detention and Brynn.
the first time i got detention was in third grade. i forget what the infraction was, but i remember being outraged. it was a new feeling; i'd never felt so betrayed by someone who supposedly had my best interests at heart. it wasn't a snotty "hey doesn't the world revolve around me?" kind of feeling... it was a very clear sense that i really didn't deserve the punishment that was being inflicted on me.
i wasn't alone. three other kids were stuck in detention too. Freddie, the troublemaker, was sitting nearest to me. he got a lot of detention, but this time he didn't deserve it any more than i did. the four of us were ordered to stay in our seats while the teacher took the rest of the class over to the cafeteria for lunch. we wouldn't get lunch today; we would sit and practice our multiplication tables while everybody else was eating lunch and playing kickball.
i watched while all the other kids lined up and the teacher marched them out of the room. i watched somebody start a fight by smearing a booger on another kid's face. i waited for them to get in trouble, but they didn't. the teacher saw it, and continued trying to get the kids to line up straight. apparently whatever i had done bothered her more than that.
i watched their backs disappear through the doorway. i listened to their voices as they marched down the hall. when i heard the heavy door slam, i counted the seconds it would take them to cross the playground and climb the long staircase to the cafeteria.
then i stood up and walked across the room. three heads turned, and three sets of eyes followed my every move. i was the good kid. i always sat up straight, i never talked back to the teacher, i never started fights with the other kids, i never made fat jokes about their moms. then again... i never got detention, and i never got out of my seat when i was ordered to sit. they knew something big was about to happen.
i stared at the multiplication table— a small sheet of orange construction paper on the bookshelf with fading purple numbers. it was hard to read from two feet away, and completely indecipherable from any greater range. i turned around and looked at my three classmates. i looked up at the front of the classroom, at the big clock. in a few minutes, the other kids would all be sitting at the long white tables stuffing their faces. the cafeteria line would close, and we would just keep getting hungrier for the rest of the day.
"come on." i jerked my head toward the big door at the back of the room. i had realized something in those minutes that changed the way i looked at teachers, and classrooms, and lunch. teachers are just adults with god–complexes. classrooms are just cells without bars. lunch is very important.
Freddie's eyes got big. he'd never ditched detention before. he slid off his chair before he even realized that he was following me. when he found his voice, it was only a whisper. "where are we going?"
"lunch. I'm really hungry." i looked at the other two kids. i don't remember now who they were, but they looked like they'd rather starve than face certain death at the hands of the teacher.
Freddie leaned toward me conspiratorially. "what will she do when she gets back and we're not here?" i pondered that for a moment, then shrugged and gave the only answer my eight–year–old mind could come up with. "I don't know, but I don't want to be here to find out. let's go."
i looked at the other two again. "come on. hurry!" and just like that, i was a leader. the four of us made a mad dash for the door. we sprinted across the deserted playground like shoplifters running from the cops. we huffed and puffed up the stairs, and grabbed the last trays in the cafeteria line.
everybody saw us. kids pointed at us. teachers turned and looked. we might as well have pulled the fire alarm on the way out of the building.
but we got lunch. and we didn't die.
in eighth grade, my social studies class took a field trip to the San Diego courthouse. it was a good trip— informative, educational, and all that bullshit. here's what was actually important.
Brynn was in my social studies class. Brynn was beautiful, intelligent, and one of the most popular girls at our small-town junior high school. it was kinda like going to school with Heidi Klum... wonderful in a frustrating, surreal sort of way.
she seemed a little bit elitist, in a deserving sort of way— like she actually was better than everybody else, and forces beyond her control separated her from the little people. i think my fascination with her may have changed the way i looked at her, and the way i've approached every girl since. i think she was sheltered, and it just never occurred to her that it would be difficult for some people to approach her, or that there were worthwhile people who might be too shy to present themselves honestly to her.
she had a clique, and the membership seldom changed. her immediate circle of friends were very intelligent and attractive girls who had something in common with her. then there was a group of guys, who considered themselves very intelligent and attractive and wanted to have something in common with the girls. then there was everybody else, who by virtue of their sheer ordinaryness had nothing to do with the elites.
back to the field trip. we all rode in a big yellow bus; the same sort of bus that deposited most of us at school every day. naturally, everybody sat with their friends. Brynn had several friends in social studies; mostly girl friends and two popular guys who wanted to see and be seen with them: Kit and Jeff.
Kit and Jeff were generally okay guys, from what i could tell, but they were under a lot of pressure. Jeff's sister Liz was one of the popular girls of her class, a year or two older than us. she was a cheerleader, she was in student government, she performed well in the academic arena, and she was always cheerful and friendly. everybody knew Liz, everybody liked Liz, and everybody probably expected Jeff to excel at everything like Liz did. Kit's dad was a fixture of the local high school for years... everybody knew Mr. Burton, everybody liked Mr. Burton, and everybody probably expected Kit to be a star at everything because his dad was involved with everything.
back to the field trip. i was one of the first on the bus in the morning, and i was pretty happy when Brynn and her girls settled across the aisle from me. she didn't pay me much attention on the way down to the courthouse. on the way back, i sat in the same place, and Brynn sat somewhere else. we stopped at a Taco Bell for lunch, and that's when things got ugly for me.
Kit called out to me as i was walking by with a tray of food. "Hey Joel! Come here." they were probably the first words he'd ever spoken directly to me. it wasn't a particularly pleasant experience; i didn't really want Kit to talk to me. i didn't like him... he was everything i wasn't. he was popular and arrogant... a pompous little ass of a kid. he didn't strike me as intelligent or deserving of all the privilege that was heaped on him. if being popular meant being like Kit, i wanted no part of it.
"Joel! Come here, I want to ask you something." Kit was sitting on a table surrounded by people and he had this big grin on his face. perfect teeth. Jeff was standing somewhere near by, close enough to enjoy the event but out of the limelight, letting Kit be the center of attention. i don't really know why i moved toward him. "What?" it wouldn't accomplish anything to avoid him now; he would just find me on the bus.
"Joel, do you like Brynn?"
it was a simple question, but the world stopped spinning in that instant. i would have felt better if he had jumped up off the table and punched me in the face. of course i should have said yes. i should have known that it was obvious to everyone that i liked her. i should have said "of course I like Brynn. what's not to like? she's beautiful, intelligent, mature, and female. she's everything you're not. I like her even more than I despise you."
but i didn't say that. i said no. and i went a step beyond that, a fatal step. i acted like he was insane for suggesting it. an expression settled on my face that might appear on a gay guy who was asked if he liked a girl. i wasn't gay, but for a second i think everybody thought i must be. it would explain why i had never been seen kissing a girl. it was the only way i could fail to like Brynn.
the truth was more complicated. admitting that i did like her would have given him power over me, in some completely male sense that girls probably don't understand. i really didn't get it either, but i still recognized its existence, and i would have sooner died than be tied to Kit in any way. so i couldn't admit anything. of course he knew that i liked her, and he had told everybody else in the class that i did, and everybody else had bought it. but they didn't know for sure because they hadn't paid much attention to me up until that point, and a proper denial could have made him lose some face. but i went too far with it, and i made a complete fool of myself.
and i probably offended Brynn in the process. not that she had any reason to care what i thought of her. but i wonder now what motivation Kit could have had for asking me. of course he might have known i would deny it, and gambled that i would look like an idiot doing it, ruining any chances i would ever have of getting Brynn to go out with me. but i don't have any real evidence that his motive was hostile. maybe he wanted to go out with her, i don't know. i never knew Kit to date anyone in high school, and i don't know where he is today.
i don't know that the whole thing wasn't Brynn's idea. she had to have been aware that i was interested, and there has to be a chance that she knew i someday might work up the nerve to say more than "hi" to her. however small, there is a chance that i caught her interest, and she asked the guys to find out if i liked her. guys —especially popular guys— suck at subterfuge, so the best way in their minds to find out what i thought of her was to ask me. i was too busy hating Kit to interpret the blushing smile on Brynn's face; i had no clue what she was thinking.
i resented Kit and Jeff for being extroverted and popular, but it's possible that they didn't resent me for being introverted and unpopular. it's possible that they would have respected me if i'd ever bothered to try to earn their respect. it's possible that eventually Kit and Jeff turned out to be intelligent and respectable guys, worth having a friendship with. it's even possible that the pretty girl could have fallen for me.
i never really said much to Brynn after that day, and she never approached me. i moved, and moved again, and i think she got married after high school. i've never forgotten, or forgiven Kit for what was really my blunder. one of my most humiliating and haunting moments.