Pardon our mess, this page is under construction but come on in anyway, you're always welcomed!
This page is my gift to all the wonderful people who visit my page. I hope it will bring a laugh or two to your hearts and a big smile on your face. My husband and I were born in eastern Tennessee and we lived there until my husband joined the Marine Corps, then good ole uncle sam decided we'd live in North Carolina. So as you can see we've been southerners all our lives. Heck I recon you can
figured out that this page is gona be bout "A Little Bit" of
good ol' southern humor and a tad bit of how to speak southern. Ya'll come back now, ya hear!
Want to learn how to create these beautiful applets. Visit
Donna's Retreat.
YEAR-ROUND ENTERTAINMENT
A summer visitor from Florida to the Great Smokies met a mountain man, and he asked: "Whatever do you people do here in
the winter? The mountaineer replied, "oh we talk and laugh about the summer people."
Hillbillies Abroad
These two Tenessee boys were in New York, and they said, "Let's don't let these New Yorkers know we're from Tennessee. Let's talk real proper." They went into a store and one said, "I'd like a pound of po-tat-oes, please." The other boy said, "Yes, and make that another pound of to-mat-oes."
The man said to them, "You guys are from Tennessee, aren't you?" They said, "How'd you know that?" He said, "Well, this is a hardware store!"
Not even Narrow
A mountaineer was sitting on his front porch with a good view of a washed-out bridge, when a northern tourist plunged into the creek. He went down and inquired, "Didn't you see the sign?" "Yes, I did," said the indignant tourist. It said "Narrow Bridge." "No, no," said the mountaineer. "It said Nary a Bridge."
Pareful
While teaching in a rual school in east Tennessee, I was assigned to the kindergarten level. Little John, the son of a timber cutter, was a rather slow learner and seldom came up with the correct answers. It was the week before Easter, and I was going over words that they might encounter during the Easter holidays. John paid little attention until we came to the word parasol. Then he brightened and his hand shot up. Of course, with delight I asked John to tell the class what a parasol was. "It's what you saw down trees with," he replied.
Got any Grounds?
The Day-vorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you???" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 430."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"
"Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
You Know You're Getting Older When.....
You don't care where your wife goes as long as you don't have to go with her.
The little old lady you help across the street is your wife.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't, won't work.
The gleam in your eye is the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You get winded just playing checkers.
You feel like the night before, but you haven't been anywhere.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You sit down in your rocking char, and you can't get it started.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally get it all together but can't remember where you put it.
It takes an hour to dress and another to remember why.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your main squeeze is Charmin.
You finally get to the top of the ladder, but it's leaning against the wrong wall.
Sayings, Dialect, and Riddles:
by Sam Venable, humor columnist for Knoxville News-Sentinel
Tawlk: That's what we do when we say words. I never did know we tawlked funny until I went outside the region, and heard how funny everybody
else tawlks.
Tar: What goes on your car. Most cars have four of them-unless they're up on sinner blocks-one white wall, two black walls and one racing
slick.
Sinner: I just told you, sinner blocks, but it's got another meaning like the middle of something. I'm in the sinner of the stage ritcheer.
Barred: We had two bankers that barred money from folks and never did pay it back. That's because they didn't know the basics of mine:
urine, hisn and hern. They gave them a few years to learn it.
L-I-B: What people say when they hear she done got shed of him: "L-I-B, I didn't know that!"
Wangs: Them's what birds use to fly.
Make Water: Not like a chemist. Pee.
Trots: Not a horse race. Means you ain't moseying to the outhouse. Dierear.
All Overs: Same thing but with goose bumps.
You May Be From Appalachia If.......
You ever sprayed your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a fly swatter quality entertainment.
Someone asks for your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.
The primary color of your car is Bondo.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road....."
You have a rag, an Irish potato or a cob for a gas cap.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You still have an eight-track tape in your truck.
How to Speak Southern
by Steve Mitchell
Aint: The sister of your mother or father. "Son go over
and give Aint Bea a big hug.
Airish: Drafty, cool. "Don't leave that door open. It's
to airish already."
Argy: To dispute in a contentious manner. "Ah told you
to take your bath, boy, and Ah'm not gonna stand here and argy with you about it."
Arn: An electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing. "Ah'm not gonna arn today. It's too hot."
Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. "Pass me attair gravy, please."
Awf: The opposite of on. "Take your muddy feet awf the
table."
Batry: A boxlike device that produces electricity. "Looks
like yur car's got a dead batry."
Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That
gal can't even bawl water without burnin' it."
Crine: Weeping. "What's that girl crine about?"
Dawfins: Name of the professional football team in Miami. "You think the Dawfins can win the conference this year?"
Dinner: The meal Southerners eat while northerners are eating
lunch. When the Northerners are eating dinner, Southerners are eating supper. "We're just havin' butterbeans and biscuits for dinner, but we'll have a big supper.
Everwhichaways: To be scattered in all directions. "You
should have been there when the train hit that chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways."
Fem: A necessary ingredient in the creation of photographs.
"Are you sure you got fem in that camera?"
Gracious plenty: Enough or more than enough. "Don't let
me eat any more of that country ham. I've had a gracious plenty."
Heepa: A great deal of. "You in a heepa trouble, boy."
Lawst: To be unsure of one's location. "This road don't
go nowhere. We're lawst.
Libel: Likely to. "If your wife finds out you're runnin' around with that go-go dancer, she's libel to kill you."
Light bread: A pre-sliced loaf of soft, store-bought bread that no Southern woman would have dared to place before her family in older and simpler times. "Git this light bread off the table, woman, and fix me some hot biscuits."
Mite could: Might possibly. "If you'd invest in real estate you mite could make a lot of money."
Narin: Not any; not a one. "Ah'd offer you a cigarette, but Ah don't have narin."
Hillbilly Pewter Terms
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Bythe - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to sstay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SuperConductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzy) - What you call your week-old underwear.
I'll be adding more southern humor as time goes on. If you have a funny
southern story or sayin and would like me to add it to this page just email me with
the story and if it makes me laugh and puts a smile on my face I will include it on this page.
You are visitor number  since June 11, 1997
© 1997alittlebit@geocities.com
 
You can almost see the boy dancin on the porch to this tune.
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