Jens Vidar Tandberg, copyright 1998
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d A 5 step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither
yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you
with such a monstrous task.
You will need:
- A cat (obviously).
- A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you).
- 200 meters of band aids.
- Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot.
- Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist.
- 5-6 SWAT team cops (or Navy SEALS if you prefer).
- A strong death wish
Getting Started.
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First, here are a couple of things you should know about cats, before you start:
1. Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by frantic
cat claws.
2. Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human
life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or
remove all the skin off your body.
3. Although you have the advantage of size, the little begger WILL use any dirty tricks he
can think of; so should you.
4. Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend, as it is a well known fact that
any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.
Ok, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man/woman can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of man/womanhood, catbathing.
STEP 1
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Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little, making
sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions. You can control this by putting
your ear next to the cat's throat and making sure that the the cat shakes kinda like the
contraption you found in mom's bedroom. If there is a soft purrrrring sound, you are safe.
If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look... DROP THE SUCKER AND RUN!
STEP 2
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Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack.
Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE:
some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot - you should know if your cat
is one of'em - check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groin/butt for scars to make
sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purrrrring. Put your soul into it, or else
the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend,
while you have but one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you
love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.
STEP 3
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Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven; cats have an instinct, you see.
Even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will instinctively know what is going
on when you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water
syndrome" and has also been observed in young human specimen. Take the cat in your
hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals to open/close the
doors for you, or you will fail miserably. Navy SEALs should be a good help here. Try
opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what I mean.
STEP 4
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a) Try to throw cat into bathtub.
b) Remove cat from scalp.
c) Consider getting a new cat.
d) Push cat into tub.
e) Go see a doctor to stop bleeding from hands and face.
f) Consider getting a new cat.
g) Put duct tape on cat's claws.
h) Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him.
i) Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friend's reproductive organs.
j) Consider getting a new cat.
k) Tie cat's legs together with dental floss threads, get friend to help holding the cat
down while soaping him up.
l) Remove dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friend's face (NOTE:
Very hard).
m) Consider getting a new cat.
n) Get four Navy SEALs to help hold cat's paws, while you try to dry him with a towel.
o) Pay for Navy SEALs' bills from the plastic surgeon.
p) Consider getting a new cat.
q) Open door to let cat go lick himself dry.
r) Go see a psychiatrist (by now, you will need it).
s) Consider getting a dog.
STEP 5
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Nobody has ever reached this far, but if you do, call Guinness Book of Records.
Congratulations, your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner.
by Jens Vidar Tandberg copyright 1998
