DIARY OF A SMOKER WHO NOW CHOOSES NOT TO SMOKE
(To skip my diary and go straight to Help on Quitting
)
I changed the title of my journal (it use to be Diary Of A Brand New Nonsmoker) when I realized that we who quit are very much like reformed alcoholics.
I started smoking approximately 30 years ago. It was the
"in thing" then----everyone did it. Both of my parents smoked
while I was growing up, so it wasn't something "evil" to me. Heck,
the doctors didn't even tell us to quit smoking while we were pregnant
back then!
For many years my smoking did not interfere with my life.
Oh yes-----sorry----I forgot about the ex-mother-in-law. She was
a Southern Baptist and my ex-husband and his three brothers and their wives
hid their smoking from "Mama"---- therefore---I also was required to do
the same. Give me a break!! Did they really think the woman
had lost her sense of smell??!!!!
I did attempt to quit a couple of times. Once because
I felt I was "dishonoring my temple" and once when we all became very aware
of the "medical evils" of smoking. My children wanted me to stop
smoking too, but didn't bug me a lot about it-------THEN-------they do
NOW. Both times I quit smoking for all of about 19 hours. ( At least
I could say I had given it a try. Right?)
In June of 1997 I was given the dreaded diagnosis of diabetes.
I had watched my Mother and Uncle die horrible deaths from complications
of diabetes. It frightened, angered, and depressed me enormously.
I was terrified!! I immediately started cooking all the correct foods
for a diabetic and exercising. I knew I needed to stop smoking too,
but thought "I'll do THAT next". I did great with my program for
the first three months. The thought of quitting was still lingering
in the back of my mind, but I did nothing. In fact, I started smoking
even more.
You have to also realize that I come from a family with not
only diabetes (I believe all of my Mother's nine brothers and sisters
are--or were--diabetics), but also heart and lung disease. I myself
have circulatory problems, hypertension, and chronic sinusitis. So,
needless to say, I certainly am at very high risk for a multitude of serious
health problems which could lead to a much earlier death. (O.K.-------there--------I
said it!!!)
I've come to hate the way my house and clothes smells.
I'm sick of running around spraying any kind of room deodorizer I can find
when I hear the doorbell ring. I'm tired of popping breath mints---------as
if any of this helps!! I'm tired of feeling like an outcast because
I'm the only person in the family who smokes and have no friends who smoke
either. I'm tired of wondering how I will ever make it until I get
a break at work so I can go outside and smoke. I'm tired of spending
enough money on cigarettes that I could probably go to Hawaii every year
with----and it's only going to get worse----much worse! (Could probably
send the grandkids to college on what I would spend on smoking in my lifetime.)
I'm tired of having headaches and feeling rotten from smoking too much
the night before (when I stayed up too late playing on my computer---------YES--------I
do know how bad the smoke is for the hardware!!) I'm tired of my
kids and their spouses saying "When are you going to quit smoking, Mom?".
I'm tired of trying to quickly smoke a half a cig after getting out of
my daughter or son's car-- between the car and the entrance of the mall,
theater, or wherever we're going. But most of all, I'm tired
of worrying if I'll still be alive to see my four beautiful little grandbabies
learn to swim, play soccer, go to a prom, graduate high school & college,
get married, and have children of their own. My Mother quit smoking
20 years before she died and she was able to see all of those things except
her last four great grandchildren. Who knows------if she had never
smoked maybe she would have been here to see those precious grandbabies
of mine.
10-28-97 I called about a smoking cessation course.
I could take it on the internet, but I'm the kind of person who needs to
be accountable in person. Decided I needed "real people" to support
me with this venture. Hmmmmmmmm.............the class starts the
same night as a diabetic class I was going to go to and they don't have
another smoking cessation class until after the first of the year.
Maybe I should just wait until then. Holidays will probably be stressful
since kids can't come home this year. On the other hand, I will be
working every day for three weeks in December and I CAN'T smoke at work.
Afraid I might change my mind too and not even go in January.
11-1-97 Gheez, I've really felt "down" the last few days!
Just couldn't figure out what could be depressing me. Then I remembered
what a friend had told me once about quitting. (She had quit ten
years ago) She said cigarettes are your "best friend". You
wouldn't dare think about leaving them behind no matter where you are going
or for how long you'll be gone. Well, now I understand my depression----------I'm
about to lose my very "best friend"----------the one who has ALWAYS been
there for me no matter what. The one who kept me company when I was
lonely, the one who consoled me when I was sad, the one who calmed me down
when I was angry or upset, the one who kept me from eating too much, the
one who kept me company on a long drive, the one who woke me up when I
was tired, the one who gave me something to do when I felt awkward, the
one who always brought me "pleasure". Wouldn't I feel depressed if
my best friend (an actual person!) was moving far, far away or had just
passed away? NOW my depression makes sense to me. But, you
know, it certainly doesn't make sense to me why I'd have a best friend
who is robbing me of so very much .
11-3-97 I told all my family, friends, and co-workers that
I'm starting the class tomorrow. If I decide to not go------what
kind of possible excuse can I come up with? Oh yes, the diabetic
class might work! (Surely they'll "buy" that!)
11-4-97 Got into my diabetic chat room with a couple of cyberfriends.
They said I should go to the diabetic class since I haven't been doing
too well lately. O.K.----I've REALLY got an "out" now!!!! Thought
it over and decided if I don't go now, I may never go. So I'm going
to go to the smoking cessation class and then go to the diabetic class
an hour late (it's a four hr. class) Seven other people at
class, not counting myself. One man with a history of two heart surgeries,
another man who says he wants to quit because of his two yr. old daughter,
another man who has diabetes, a young man who smokes and is there
with his Mother who wants to quit because of him, and a woman who works
with the last-mentioned woman. Oh, there's also a woman there who
does not smoke, but came with her husband to give support---the diabetic
man. She asks if it's o.k. if she attends. The class instructor
says it's o.k. as long as no one in the class objects. I ask her
if she's a "reformed smoker", she says no and that she has never smoked.
I agree that's it's o.k. for her to stay then.
The instructor is an R.N. who works in Cardiac Rehab and has never
smoked. She also has never taught a smoking cessation class.
(Maybe I SHOULD wait until the January class!) I'm also upset because
I just found out that I won't be able to attend the class next week.
Good grief! I can't quit if I miss one of the classes!! The
first two weeks are devoted to getting you ready to quit!!
This was all pretty informal. Just a little meeting mostly
telling about ourselves and the instructor telling us she doesn't have
all the answers and certainly has no magically way to make us quit. ( Darn!!!
I was seriously hoping she did!!!) Now comes the time of making the
decision to write out the check for $65.00 to pay for the course.
Oops, can't find a pen. Guess I'll have to wait until January.
Nope--someone hands me a pen. I write my check and hand it over-----slowly.
I ask if anyone is "online" -----only the 18 yr. old guy-------do you think
the poor fellow will get sick of me e-mailing him every hour of the day
for the next seven weeks for support??
11-6-97 Yesterday class instructor called me at home.
Needed some info she had forgotten to get from me, but also gave me her
home phone number is case I should need someone to talk to. (I'm
impressed) Have had a terrible headache last few days. I was
certain it was a sinus and "smoker's headache". (I've been smoking
a LOT---hoping I'll get sick of them and because I know "the end"
is near. Decided I should take my blood pressure and it was 190/80.
Waited awhile and took it again -- 200/100!. Took an extra blood
pressure pill and laid down for an hour or so. Took it again--now
180/80. Will give my doctor a call tomorrow if still up. If
I don't quit smoking (and improve a few other aspects in my life), I'm
going to have a stroke!! Why do we do these things to our body?!!
I'm starting the Zyban this weekend! Had to be off of another med
I was on before I could start it and I really don't think I had
made a 100% decision to start on Zyban and get with the program.
I will do this, I will do this, I will do this!
11-17-97 I was out of town all last week. Was with
nonsmokers 24 hours a day, so smoking was cut down. It really wasn't
that tough though. I think the Zyban has kicked in!! I was
going crazy waiting for the next rest stop on the 11 hr. car trip down,
but on the way back--I really didn't care about stopping to smoke.
Have decided that I should wait until I have been on the Zyban the full
two weeks before I quit though. I certainly can see that a lot of
it is just plain habit--as soon as I returned home I lit up and then lit
up again!! Stupid, really stupid.
11-23-97 Twenty people signed up over the phone for the smoking
cessation class, eight actually showed up the first two weeks, and only
three of us were there this past Tuesday night! I can't imagine dropping
out THAT soon!! Maybe they will be back this week. Well--I
finally did it--I set my quit date!! It's tomorrow!! Blood
pressure is still up, so I won't be using the patch. Too much chance
of it raising my already high BP. I spent the weekend going over
all of my smoking cessation information, filling out the papers, reading
some of three of my quit smoking books I had from the past. I have
written down all my reasons for quitting, what my triggers for smoking
are and how I will handle them, rewards for myself for not smoking, etc.
(I never did this in the past when I tried to quit) I've come across
some rather strange ways to help quit, but I may try some of them along
with the standard ways. I'm willing to try anything that will help!!
I sent e-mail out to my cyber friends asking for any tips anyone could
give me--especially from the ex-smokers. Received some very encouraging
e-mail. Two wonderful people have offered to help me over ICQ--which
will be great!! And several offered to help through e-mail if I needed
them. Seems no one that I know personally thinks I'm going to be
able to make it though. A few have said that I don't sound confident
enough. Is anyone 100% certain they can do it?? Maybe this
is good---maybe it's making me get an "I'll show them!!" attitude.
Well, I'm off to the store to get a few last minute things--sugarless gum
and candy, celery, carrots, cinnamon sticks, etc. Need to clean my
car out today and make certain I clean the ashtray out (last time I tried
to quit I ended up trying to smoke butts left in the ashtray of my car!
Ugh!!). Oh! Came home last night, turned on my computer and
Jer had made new wallpaper on my desktop. A huge cigarette with a
red "no sign" (or whatever you call that) through the cig and it said "You
can do it! Just take one day at a time"!! That was soooooooo
nice!! I'm taking one cigarette at a time though.
11-25-97 I QUIT SMOKING TODAY. Hasn't been the worse
day of my life, but not the best either. Have done deep breathing
when nicotine cravings hit. Changed my normal routine today as much
as possible. Have lavender aromatherapy (for soothing nerves) going.
Have chewed sugarless gum. Got rid of all cigarettes last night---including
cig butts in ashtray in car! I had smoking cessation class
tonight. We are back to four people now. They are going with
the scheduled quit date of Dec. 2. Took a carbon monoxide breathing
test and I was in the nonsmoker range! My worse time throughout this
day and evening was when my daughter called me. I always have smoked
while talking on the phone. After about 15 or 20 minutes of talking,
I was quickly becoming a "mess". Felt really, really nervous and
was craving a cigarette terribly! Told her I had to get off phone
and "get ahold" of myself. Did relaxation techniques and stuck a
cinnamon stick in my mouth. Think I'll go on to bed.
11-27-97 I'm in to my third day as a nonsmoker!!!
It's Thanksgiving and I'm thankful!! Yesterday wasn't too bad at
all. I have found if I keep a cinnamon stick in my mouth all the
time (the spice kind found in the spice section of any grocery store--not
the candy!!) it really, really helps. I also continue to do
deep breathing. I've never made it through one full day without a
cigarette before, so I really feel great about this.
12-1-97 Well, I've made it through my 7th day!! I worked
12 hour shifts the last three days--so had not been able to write in "my
diary". These last couple of days have been a little harder than
previous ones. My chiropractor did acupuncture last Tuesday on me
placing little tiny balls on tape in my ears. I was to stimulate
them several times a day to help me stop smoking. Wasn't really sure
how I felt about this, but was willing to give it (and about anything)
a try. Maybe they work after all - as one of them fell out Saturday.
Dr. out of town!!!! His nurse gave it a try--and put it back in for
me. I will have to admit that I have thought several times during
the last few days of how great it is not to be thinking constantly how,
when, and where I can get my next "fix". Smoking is such a hassle
these days!
12-4-97 Day 10---really had tough few days. Don't really
know why, but it has been harder than the first few days. I had a
real moment of truth last night---came across two packs of my cigs that
had not been thrown out. I held them in my hand for a long time,
thought about giving them to Jer, but didn't--put them back where they
had been. About an hour later, I got them and gave them to him to
dispose of for me. Yeah for me!! Went to class last night.
Others now starting their "quit days". I certainly hope they do well.
OH---tonight I had my very first meal that I didn't have nicotine cravings
afterwards!!!!
12-8-97 Yesterday and today have been my easiest days so
far. I seldom have any serious cravings and really don't think about
smoking often at all. It smells terrible to me when I walk through
places where people have been smoking. Hey!! Maybe I'm finally
becoming an official nonsmoker!!
12-15-97 This has been a tough week. Family illness,
etc. Was very proud of myself sitting in hospital surgery waiting
room watching people through the glass outside smoking---and I didn't.
And still haven't!! I wish it could be really, really horrid for
a short time--then all over with---nonsmoker and no problems at all.
BUT it isn't that easy. At least not for me. I have even broken
down and cried a couple of times because I wanted a cigarette so badly.
Last night while driving home from work, I really wanted one, so I pretended
to smoke. If anyone saw me, I'm certain they thought I had lost my
mind!! It helped though--as crazy as that sounds.
12-23-97 Four weeks today!!! It seems to finally be
getting much easier. I have had a few cravings, but nothing like
last week. I went to a smoker's support group last week (meets once
a month) since my classes have ceased. It may not be for everyone,
but I do believe the classes and support have been a big part of me being
able to stop smoking.
12-24-97 I just read over this diary today and in doing so----realized
what the VERY hardest part of not smoking is------making up your mind
to finally quit. That is the REALLY hard part, my friends.
1-17-97 I have written in this diary twice since Christmas
Eve, but it looks as if I neglected to "upload" it, so-----I just hope
I didn't say anything earth shattering!! I do rememeber that I had
said that it had been a long time since I had written and I knew if anyone
was reading this, they most likely thought I had gone back to smoking.
But it was only because I had worked 18 days in a row through the holidays
that made it almost impossible for me to have time to write. It seems
that the third and sixth weeks were the hardest ones for me. I have
no idea why unless it could possibly be called STRESS. Those weeks
were a little more stressful than usual. The sixth week was just
horrible. I was stressed out, nerves were shot, and just plain WANTED
A CIGARETTE!!!
I chewed on those darn cinammon sticks until the inside of my mouth
started breaking out! I was so nasty to everyone around me that I'm
almost surprised they didn't give me a cigarette (and tell me where I could
put it!!). My chiropractor said to me during my sixth week "Six weeks?
Oh, you have this thing licked now". I wanted to hit him!!!
(And I really, really like this man) I knew HE sure had NEVER smoked
and attempted to quit. I told him that I didn't think I would ever have
"it licked" and that it would probably be a lifelong battle for me (just
like a recovered alcoholic). I really did feel like it was not getting
any better and never would and that at times it was only getting worse---way
worse.
Well, guess what------I think I was wrong--------I think it's
getting better----------in fact--much better!
It's strange--sometimes when I smell the smoke of someone smoking
it sickens me-------and then other times I have gone running into it with
nostrils and mouth wide open trying to catch a breath of it to "enjoy"
the secondhand smoke! BUT--not one single time have I looked at a
smoker and said "Isn't that great! I wish that could be me!"
I look at those people with pity and truly think "I'm glad I'm not one
of those people anymore. I'm glad that cigarettes don't
RULE my life anymore. I'm glad my house, car, and myself don't smell
like a dirty ashtray anymore. I'm glad I have $20 extra a week.
I'm glad I actually don't cough at all anymore. I'm glad I may live
a LOT longer. I'm glad my kids are so proud of me! I'm glad
my grandkids won't be embarrassed by me. AND I'm glad I feel like
a WINNER!"
My daughter has a friend who is only 24 yrs. old and has a year
old daughter----her Mother died of lung cancer recently. My daughter's
friend told me yesterday that she was very proud of me for quitting smoking
and she only wished her Mother had. (I wanted to cry :( and
I'm sure if you could have heard that young girl's heartbroken voice and
seen the face of a girl who lost her Mother way, way too early in life----you
wouldn't pick up that next cigarette either.
2-6-98 It's unreal. I hardly ever think about a cigarette
anymore. Once in awhile an urge will hit me, but it isn't a "big
urge" and it doesn't last longer than a couple of seconds. I will
have to admit that I do panic a little if I think I don't have my chewing
gum with me, but that's a lot better than cigarettes!! Life is so
less complicated now that I'm not smoking and I actually do feel better.
I can breath so much easier, no cough at all, and no more sinus headaches!!
I've been surprised to hear a couple of other folks say that their 3rd
and sixth weeks were the hardest too. (I had never heard that)
I also was told by one person that their sixth month was a little tough
too. Guess I'll see----cause I still won't be smoking then either!
2-18-98 Three months today!! Congratulations to me!!
Still don't think about cigarettes very often at all---just once in a while
and it's not that bad. If I can do this---ANYONE CAN!!
3-8-98 Someone wondered if I had started smoking again since
I haven't written in my diary lately. NOPE!! I was thinking
last week that I actually go days or maybe longer without thinking about
a cigarette, but this week I have thought about them probably once a day
every other day. Go figure!?!
3-18-98 Four months now. Still have to have my chewing
gum. Once again, I have thought about cigs a little more often lately.
I really don't know why. BUT it does go away---rather quickly
too. I'm going to visit my daughter next week. Will be the
first she has ever seen her Mom as a nonsmoker. Will be strange for
her I'm sure.
4-5-98 My daughter and her husband were so proud of me.
It's amazing how much more time we spent together with me not having to
run outside a zillion times a day to smoke! It was so nice flying
and not having to worry if I was going to have enough time to get outside
of the airport to catch a smoke between flights too. It's hard to
believe how much cigarettes rule a person's life. I am SO glad I
am now a nonsmoker! (I just wish they never crossed my mind, but
I guess the only way that would have been possible would have been for
me to never have started smoking in the first place! Some nonsmokers
tell me that they never think about them. Hopefully--that will be
me one day. But it's nothing I can't live with and it's well worth
it.)
4-9-98 I went to my physician the other day. Quite
by accident I found out that he smokes--and he is a diabetic. I was
so upset. I have been so extremely impressed with this new dr. of
mine and kind of had him on a pedestal. I was so upset and terribly
disappointed. I believe that if I can quit smoking, then anyone can.
I shared my feelings with a friend and she very wisely e-mailed me the
following words of wisdom: "Please do not tie your faith to any doctor.
I know Dr.------- well, and at his age--he still struggles with his diabetes
and management as well. Trust me when I say this, you are older and
have been through more--he has an excellent education, but he needs you
to be an example to him! KNOWING INFORMATION IS ONLY HALF OF THE
BATTLE, IT TAKES TRUE WISDOM TO APPLY INFORMATION ESPECIALLY TO SELF."
Thank you, my friend.
A
FEW TIPS
I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD SIGN
MY GUESTBOOK AND DROP ME AN E-MAIL IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ADDING
ANYTHING TO A "HELP PAGE" FOR OTHERS TO STOP SMOKING. THANKS!
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