Daughters, who would have thought that daughters could be so wonderful and so much trouble at the same time. *L* My two girls are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but at the same time? If i could get gray hair, I am sure I would have a full head of it by now. *G*
My mother was right when I gave birth when she said those famous words to me and my husband. She said: "Now you will see what I went through with Kelly. You two should of had boys for you would only have one little prick to worry bout, but noooooo you had to have girls, now you have a whole bloody neighborhood full of pricks to worry about!!"
Man I tell you those words were never truer, let me tell you, but I got sent this and it is sooooo true that I had to share it with you all so here goes......enjoy, cause I know I did!!
TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
1) If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
2) You do not touch my daughter infront of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anythiing below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
3) I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of hte date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waste.
4) I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5) It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at "my"house and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early"
6) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise,once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7) As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,like changing the oil in my car?
8) The following places are not appropiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, places where there is darkness, dancing, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank tops, miriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual theme is to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
9) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted, has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole thruth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
10) Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, annouce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.
So there ya have it folks, rules to live by for any parent!! *LOL*
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