If you walked into my house you would immediately know that I have two small children -- even if the little darlings aren't even home! How would you know? Because no matter what, there are always tell-tale signs, the toy shoved under the couch, the juice cup on the table, etc. So, when this article came up -- can you teach your children "neatness" I jumped at the chance to learn something new! What have I found in all my diligent research? Can neatness be taught? Yes, and No. Whether a child is neat or not depends in some degree with their genetic make-up, according to Dr. Verna L. Wool, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Montgomery, AL. However, one can instill in a child the sense that they need to be responsible for their appearance, their things and their home.
Teaching by example is of course the best method. Wool notes that parents are wise to "help" with a task -- especially if the task seems overwhelming. By doing the task with the child you are teaching them how something is to be done -- and also what your expectations are of a completed task. However children need to learn how to be self-reliant. Children must learn that their appearance and the appearance of their home is a reflection of them.
By giving your children chores to do, you are not only teaching them responsibility but you are also teaching them to be productive members of the family. Dr. Ray Guanrendi, a clinical psychologist, speaker and author of You're A Better Parent Than You Think! and Back to the Family: How to Encourage Traditional Values in Complicated Times, remarks that, "Chores foster a sense of shared ownership and, as such, a respect for property -- one's own and another's."
Each child should have an assigned, simple, 5-minute chore to do every day to (even a two-year-old can help sort laundry). However, Wool cautions, that parents should have age appropriate expectations. "Don't expect a two year old to be as neat as a twelve year old," reminds Wool. Chores assigned should be age appropriate, for example, two year olds can put away puzzles or toss juice cups into the sink, three year olds can help set the table, put clothes where they belong, or empty a waste basket. Ten year olds can empty and load the dish washer. From about ten to twelve and up, parents should expect the child to pick up and put clothes in the hamper or laundry, and depending on the child, to run the washing machine and dryer.
Teenagers, however, may not be very cooperative, notes Wool, because many are not interested in neatness. "Best technique is for (parents) to close the door," states Wool, "except when the health department may come!" She notes that parents do have a right to expect no food or candy, or eating in the teenager's room.
Get children involved in the process of doing chores by allowing them to help choose the chores that they feel they can do. Also, children can help choose the scheduling of daily chores and homework routine, perhaps giving them the option of doing them as soon as they come home from school or after having a snack. Parents should, however, set time limits as to when a task should be completed.
Divide large tasks into smaller ones. A child is more likely to finish a project or task if he can break it up into smaller tasks. With larger tasks and homework assignments, parents can offer to help -- however, help is not equivalent to doing the task for them.
While some things should be the child's sole responsibility, timing your work to coincide with your child's will improve the child's performance. Guanrendi notes that shared chores offer an unexpected bonus. "The 'forced' togetherness can prompt a child to open up with his thoughts and feelings," notes Guanrendi.
One mother commented that at dinner she assigned each of her children one day a week to help with dinner (and help determine the menu), and another to help with cleanup after dinner. Though she notes that they complained at first, the children found that they could spend that time learning new techniques in the kitchen, and visiting about what happened at school that day. Helping out turned into time devoted especially to one the one child. This mother noted, "I found that my kids were actually looking forward to their turn to help me, and didn't complain when the other children got to go out and play."
Teach your child to pickup after each activity, before moving on to the next. To quote Sarah Ban Breathnach the author of Simple Abundance:
1. If you take it out, put it back.
2. If you open it, close it.
3. If you throw it down, pick it up.
4. If you take it off, hang it up.
Give each child a plastic bin (or basket) with their name on it (or a specific color for younger children). When it is time for them pick up they can just toss all the toys into their bin and take them where they need to be put away -- all in one trip saving time and the frustration of multiple trips with small lose items. Toy boxes and shelves with bins can also help keep the toys and the house neat.
Another mother suggests that each evening before bedtime to set aside 10-15 minutes for picking up. She states, "I set the timer where we can hear it and start in the living room. We race through it and then move on to the family room, or kitchen or bathrooms, which ever needs the most 'help' that night. At the end of the 15 minutes, we hug each other and head for our beds." She notes that 15 minutes of cooperative cleanup really equates to at least an hour and a half of her time if she were to do it alone. She also suggests doing the same thing in the morning for about 10 minutes, which gives the children time to make their beds and straighten their rooms.
One mother does the cleaning is a similar fashion. She challenges her children to see how fast they can get it all done together. "First we'll tackle the living room together, then the bathroom. . Little ones do the picking up, bigger ones do the wiping down," she notes, "No one leaves the room till we're all done."
Laundry can also benefit from individual (or different colored) laundry basket for each child. As clothes come out of the laundry sort them in to the baskets. The children who are big enough to put away their own clothes can do so, and the smaller children can carry their baskets into their rooms. Assign smaller children the task of matching socks, while the older children (or parents) sort and fold.
Another idea that would help a lot with neatness, Wool suggests, is that parents should help their child select old toys and old clothes or other items that the child no longer wants or needs and give them to a charity or a relative. Birthdays and holidays are especially good times to do this. Not only is the child making room for new items, the child is learning the valuable lesson of giving.
Always praise a child for a job well done, and especially when he or she does chores without a reminder. Wool states that it is important to express admiration for what the child has done even if it isn't done exactly the way the parent would have done it. "Pay attention to what the child does even if the job is not thorough," notes Wool, "pay attention to what they did do that was good -- that approximates what you wanted and reinforce the approximation of the task and don't expect that the youngster to do it the same as you would have done it. We all care about different things -- a youngster might regard his CD tapes or baseball cards and keep them neat but not care where candy wrappers are."
One bit of wisdom: Let your standards drop a bit when you have small children around. Children will not remember how tidy the house was, but they will remember how much love they received. You will someday be alone and can then have the house you dream about.
Some considerations:
1. Do parents set an example of cleanliness and order for their children?
2. Are standards kept consistent?
3. Is the child's age kept in consideration?
4. How much time is invested in training the children in how to clean?
5. Do the children share a room or playroom? How does this change the way the issue is handled?
6. Is the child's room is his or her own private territory, or part of the house?
Book Suggestions:
Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban BreathnachClutter Free, Finally and Forever and Clutter's Last Stand: It's Time to De-Junk Your Life! by Don Aslett
How to Raise Happy, Responsible Children by John Rosemond
401 Ways to get your Kids to Work at Home by Bonnie Runyan McCullough,
Confessions of an Organized Homemaker : The Secrets of Uncluttering Your Home and Taking Control of Your Life by Deniece Schofield
On The Internet:
Kids and Clutter: Tips from Our Readers compiled by The Dollar Stretcher, Inc.Children and Chores by Ray Guanrendi
This article first appeared as "Teaching Neatness In '99" in The Montgomery Parents Magazine Vol. 4, No. 1, January, 1999, pp. 36-40.