We
recently moved from the town where my parents lived only
5 miles away
to Montgomery where they are now over 300 miles away.
While we still
live over 1000 miles from my husband's parents,
this is new--being
away from any grandparents and has been very
hard on my son who was
21 months old when we moved. However, we
want our children to feel
close to their grandparents no matter
what the
distance.
Long distance grandparenting is quite different
from grandparents
that live "just down the road". However,
I believe the
bonds can be just as strong. All grandparents can offer
unique
experiences to their grandchildren. Adelaide Brown, Ph.D.,
Psychologist
at Montgomery Psychology states that for grandparents
today one
of the difficulties is that most of them had very
traditional
grandparents themselves, which was their role model, but
it is
very difficult to be that kind of grandparent today,
especially
when a lot of grandparents are still in the work
force.
The most important thing is to let the grandchild
really get to
know the grandparents; their likes, their hobbies,
their favorite
activities, and to include the grandchild in them.
Kathryn Barchard,
Ph.D., at the Family Guidance Center suggests
keeping logs (or
memoirs) for the grandchildren to give to them when
they become
older. Tami Jenkins, ACSW, LCSW, PIP, family therapist,
believes
that discussing the grandparent's memories of family members
can
also be important in the grandparent\ grandchild
relationship.
This gives the grandchildren a sense of roots in this
mobile society
and gives them a greater sense of
family.
Sending special reminders of activities that were
shared is a
great way to keep the bond in place. For example, if
grandpa and
grandson like fishing, sending pictures of the "big
one"
to the grandson and taking him fishing when they can get
together
will keep this mutual interest alive for both of
them.
Also, getting to know the likes, hobbies and
activities of the
grandchild is important. Brown believes that
sending gifts is
very important. If the granddaughter likes a certain
sport, or
a grandson has a special interest, sending her a poster or
sending
him a book on the subject can show the grandchildren how
much
you care about them. Gerry Yeoman, ACSW, BCD, at the Adult
Child
Counselling Consortium states that a tendancey in gift
giving
is that the grandparent buys gifts that are in advance of
the
grandchild's age, for example giving trains when the
granchild
can't yet be careful of small or delicate parts. She
reminds grandparents
to be conscious of the child's age and
developement, rather than
just what they want to give. Also they
should check with the parent
as far as what the child really
needs.
Phone calls are always important. Keeping up with the
day to day
activities of the grandchild, either through talking with
the
parents or the child himself when he is old enough, really
helps
maintain the feeling of closeness. Barchard suggests that
there
should be telephone calls to the grandchild himself, and not
tagging
a "hello" onto calls made to
parents.
Special cards, letters and gifts through the mail
that arrive
without the incentive of birthdays or holidays can also
add to
the excitement of having a grandparent that cares. Barchard
likes
to do "birthday" celebrations for grandchildren
when
it is not their birthday, like on half
birthdays.
Yeoman suggests sending holiday cards and writing
letters back
and forth as a great way to keep in touch. She notes
that she
recently received a "from the heart" letter from
grandchild
which meant a great deal to her. Using words or letters
from magazines
and colorful pictures and pasting them on paper to
make up stories
or just for the fun of it can make reading the letter
much more
enjoyable for the grandchild. Using real pictures of family
members
as postcards is also a good way to keep in
touch.
While phone calls, letters and pictures are great,
I've found
that the very best way is through the magic of video. Our
son
may or may not realize that the voice on the other end of
the
phone is Grandma, but he really recognizes when Grandma is on
the
T.V. Not only can they see and hear their relatives but stories
can
be shared, too. Watching a video of grandparents reading
bedtime
stories could be an important addition to the bedtime
ritual.
This can also go both ways. We often send videos to
the grandparents
so they can see our son doing all his usual, daily
activities.
It is also fun if one can send a round robin tape which
goes to
each sibling to add his or her family to it and then send it
to
the grandparents and each other. This way all the cousins can
see
each other and then the grandparents have a wonderful keepsake
of all
their granchildren.
Barchard also suggests that with older
granchildren, using the
personal computer is also a great way to send
things to each other.
E-mail is almost instantaneous and a great way
for a grandchild
to share personal notes and important
events.
However as Dr. Linda Servey of the Counseling
Associates of Central
Alabama states that there is no real substitute
for spending time
together. One thing that hurts grandparent's
feelings is that
a grandchild that they don't see very often will
often react as
if they are "meeting a stranger", which in a
way they
are. Parents can help by preparing the children by telling
them
that grandparents may do a lot of hugging, kissing etc. and
that
they love them. Parents should build up the positive
things
about them as well as explain about their being "my
Mom &
Dad". Parents can tell stories about grandparents to
anticipate
the grandparents' visit.
Servey also states that
grandparents on the othe hand need to
recognize the grandchild cannot
think abstractly about relationships.
That their hugs and klisses
might be physically intimidating.
The grandparents should approach
the grandchild with a warm voice
and a smile, but hold off on
reaching out and picking the child
up if the child seems hesitant.
Also having the grandchild sit
between a parent and grandparent i.e.
to read a story or play
with a toy, makes the transition for the
grandchildren easier.
Dr. Verna L. Wool a clinical
psychologist in private practice
and a grandparent also empasizes
that the grandparents should
go to visit. She believes that it is
easier for grandparents to
visit than the new family, however, as the
grandchildren get older,
the older grandchild should be allowed to
visit the grandparents
as well.
Keeping grandparents close
to granchildren that are miles away
may be difficult, but the only
things that are necessary are that
the grandparents share a part of
themselves with the grandchildren,
that the grandchildren know the
grandparents love them, unconditionally,
and that the grandparents
care about the grandchildren and their
interests. If this can be done
then the miles won't be able to
keep them apart.