• Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
• You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• There's a gun rack in the rear window of your pickup.
• You think four-wheel-drive should be part of the "standard package".
• There's a dog chained to the clothes line and a motor swinging in the tree.   by Jeff Foxworthy
• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• You clean your fingernails with a stick.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
• You think formal attire means your good boots and a bolo tie.
• You slick your hair back with hair oil when you go to church on Sunday.
• Your belt buckle is bigger than your fist and has words on it such as "Champion" or "Peter Bilt".
• You still "warsh and wrench" your clothes.
• When you're honky-tonkin', you dance in a big wide circle, pushing your partner backwards in front of you.
• Your boxers have red hearts on them and you think you look sexy.
• Your luggage is a plastic bag.
• You prefer car keys over Q-Tips for hygiene.
• You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
• You keep a piece of chaff over your ear for a toothpick and you think fine dining includes free toothpicks.
• You wear your cigarette pack rolled into your shirt sleeve.
• You use the bicycle shorts that you received for a Christmas gift as a chamois.
• You make sure all your daughter's boyfriends see the shotgun over the mantle and the wedding picture displayed prominently on the mantle.
• You are cleaning your gun at least once when your daughter's boyfriend comes to call.
• You volunteer to set and fire your town's Fourth of July fireworks display, and then you bring a keg of beer with you to make the work more enjoyable.
• You think a picnic cooler is a #9 wash tub.
• Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
• You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
• You celebrate your wedding anniversary by taking your wife out to eat at the restaurant where you talk into the clown's mouth.

Effinm contributed most of these.  Some  were gleaned from the Email Trail, author/authors unknown or anonymous--they sound "Foxworthy," though.  If you know the other author/authors, please email me.
Graphics by effinm.