Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee? b) Right out of the pot?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee: a) ...to get up in the morning? b) ...to get out of bed? c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house? b) ...in more than five? c) ...in your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore? b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch? c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez? b) ...and his donkey? c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours? b) ...that you don't like? c) ...because it's too frustrating?

--------------+ Response Ratio| Addiction Factor(TM) ==================================================================
Yes | No | Analysis: ==================================================================
20-22 | 0-2 | You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are very wise.
-------+------+----------------------------------------------------

17-19 | 3-5 | You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's okay but it could be better and you are relatively naive.
-------+------+-------------------------------------------------------

0-16 | 6-22 | What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!? Coffee's not good enough for you, huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA TEA?!?

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Comments, suggestions, flames, etc. tellswor@slonet.org

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Thomas S. Ellsworth | tellswor@slonet.org | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor | Not all the teeth put into our laws these days are wisdom teeth.

emailed to me from another humor list (Humor Digest) -Tom Submitted there by Jack Kolb (KOLB@UCLA.EDU

Be sure to visit the Good Clean Fun web site (web address above).

Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?"

Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner."

Good Clean Fun - Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Cheryl) -Tom

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."

Good Clean Fun - Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Jeff) who found it at Joke of the Day http://www.valuewrite.com/jokes.html -Tom
-------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents." Eric, 6

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kelly, 9

WHAT'S THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that , you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." Carolyn, 8

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." Lottie, 9

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." Allan, 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you...If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." Kally, 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on TV." Anita, 6

"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, 9

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...We were behind a tree." Carey, 7

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, 8

-----------------
My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.

Good Clean Fun

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine 10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan!

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ______Medical School ______Graduate School ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.

__5. I'll lose my scholarship.

__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.

__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against: ____Males ____Jews ____Blacks ____Females ____Catholics ____Whites ____Protestants ____Moslems ____Minorities ____Chicanos ____People ____Students

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: ____mono ____broken baby finger ____acute alcoholism ____pregnancy ____VD ____fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were: ____too detailed to pick out important points ____not explained insufficient detail ____too boring ____all jokes and not enough material ____all of the above

__17. This course was: ____too early, I was not awake. ____at lunchtime, I was hungry ____too late, I was tired

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other__________________________________