- Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

- Income Tax: Capital punishment.

- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"

- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

- Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

- Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

- Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

- Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both involve sandy claws.

- Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

- Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

- Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could No longer type.Her doctor said, "This is a clear Case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

- Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"

- Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself.

-California smog test: Can UCLA?

- The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Disgruntled.

-A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of coworkers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad Case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport."

Real Life Story:

In September 1994, Skydiving student Sharon McClelland amazingly survived a 10,000-foot plunge in Ontario, by falling into a marsh when her parachute malfunctioned. She struggled to her feet and rushed to her instructor Kevin Killin -- to apologize -- because she had not followed procedures to open her backup chute.

~~~ Which way?!? ~~~

A man is doing his first skydive. He jumps from the plane, freefalls for a bit, then pulls his main rip-cord... nothing happens. After a short panic, he pulls his reserve rip-cord... again, nothing happens! As he's zooming toward the ground, another man comes shooting past him TOWARDS THE SKY! The jumper hollers, "Hey! Do you know anything about rip-cords???"

The other man returns, "NOooooo! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org

In February 1995, Campus Life probed the mysteries of medical science (if you don't get one, say it out loud): Wanna know what all those medical terms really mean? Check these out:

barium -- what you do to dead people

benign -- what you wanted when you were eight

carpal -- someone with whom you drive to school

cauterize -- what the guy did before winking at the girl

chiropractor -- an Egyptian doctor

dilate -- to live long

elixir -- what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone

intubate -- what a fisherman is

nitrate -- what the phone company charges after 5 p.m.

varicose -- nearby

vitamin -- what you do when friends stop to visit

FROM Christianity Online and CONews letter. Get it. http://www.christianityonline.net  CONewsltr@aol.com. Copyright (c) 1998, CHRISTIANITY ONLINE, Christianity Today, Inc. All rights reserved.

I've found some really good pun stuff, you can find it on the Universe in Fast Forward page - Here