* "What I'm trying to do is convince you in an abstract way of what you've known all along."

* "This can become so obvious that you are lulled into believing that you actually understand."

* "I hate to admit it, but I can't follow the details any better than you."

* "The beauty of this equation is that you can solve it by inspection ...if you know the answer."

* "Sure, there are curve balls, but that's not due to quantum mechanics."

* "At the end of today's lecture, you will know everything that you really can know."

* "The reason it's right is because if I didn't make a mistake, it is. If you're right and you can do it both ways, then quantum mechanics is in deep trouble, but I'd be glad to share in your discovery."

* "This gets tedious. Even I'm loosing interest."

* "We should have lecture seven days a week!"

* "You didn't have linear algebra? Well, *I* did."

* "The number becomes -2, but the value becomes zero"

* "I'm going to proceed the way professors do, because they know the answers."

* "I'm rewriting history, to my own advantage."

* "I heard someone say the answer, but people are always shy when they're that smart."

* "It seems so highly implausible that if you haven't seen it before, you won't believe it. Those of you who believe it should be overjoyed!"

* "Honest, it makes sense to me. Maybe I've been doing this too long."

* "I worked out a few examples & concluded that it was true in general."

* "It's the kind of equation that makes engineers laugh at physicists."

* "We haven't really done anything here"

* "So, wasn't that fun?"

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system couldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

TV stations are starting to provide INTERNET access, but could you imagine if INTERNET Service Providers were to provide CABLE? Could be.

All the most popular shows would just 'slow down' just because there were too many people watching it at once.

When you change channels, there'd be a 5 to 10 second wait with an hourglass on the screen while the next channel is connected to. The more people watching a show, the longer the hourglass stays there.

There'd be a "back" button on the remote so you can take another look at what you just watched.

Sometimes your TV will complain it cannot "FIND" what you're looking for.

You'd be able to make your TV store the things you like, until it gets too full, then you'd have to delete a few things.

There'd be an arrow on the screen blocking the view, and you'd have to slide your remote control around on the coffee table just to change channels.

When you complain that you cannot connect your tv and get cable, or that the Hourglass is just staying on the screen all the time, they'd say: "Well, were busy now, that's the way it goes."

You'd be able to instantly be able to send messages to anyone else with a TV. The downside of that is that ADVERTISERS would be able to instantly send messages to everyone for free as well.

They would advertise, "All the TV you can watch for $20 a month!"

If you're having poor reception, the technical staff at the station would suggest trying to reconnect again, turning your TV OFF and then ON again, Blaming the problem on you, Getting you to re-program your TV, and then telling you that your TV just isn't good enough and to buy one ten times as fast for about $3000.

New software for your TV will make it run slower and require hardware upgrades.

After about 1.5 years, your TV would be completely useless for watching, and you'd have to go out and buy another TV for about $2500 dollars.

You'd have to hire a high school kid to help you set up and connect your TV.

They'd take one good COAX cable and split it up into 10000 smaller slower cables, 1 to each customer.

If you have 2 TV's, you'd be able to connect them and have your own Network.

The NEWS would be only 5% relevant, full of ads,and messages from people sending, "me too" messages.

You could pay a lot for a TV now, or you could wait a few months for the price to go down.

Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor) -Tom Submitted there by AlexZ (alexz@istar.ca)

Thomas S. Ellsworth - tellswor@slonet.org |  http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor |  Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.Be sure to visit the Good Clean Fun web site (web address above). Jokes for the past 2 weeks are on the main page as well as an archive of every joke that I've sent out over the internet for the past year or so. 78^)