Dear JP,

From the moment I first gazed into your beautiful face I adored you. You have always been my heart and my life and I would lay down my life for you. At ten months you took off running and never stopped and all I could do was hold on for the ride of my life!

You were always the most precocious child! I remember the first time you and Kerri went to Santa's Secret Workshop. You were buying gifts for me, Kerri and your Uncle Dale and Grandpop. You were only five yet each gift was so thoughtfully chosen. A lighter for Grandpop with a trout on it because he smoked and fished; a bank for Uncle Dale who always said he needed more money and a G.I. Joe doll for Kerri. You had talked her into buying the G.I. Joe doll clothing for you.

One time when you were about six I asked you and Kerri the question "If you could change your name to anything at all what would you change it to and why?" Kerri answered "Bunny" and explained there was a cute little girl in her class by that name that everyone liked. You turned to me and answered "Thunderbolt. Because then I could run faster, jump higher and catch speeding bullets."

You felt life was a challenge to be mastered and you were fearless. At six you climbed a tree that was so tall and thin by the time you got to the top you were swaying from one side to the other. You thought it was grand. I aged on the spot. You lost your front teeth by jumping out of a tree with a rope in your mouth. You were doing a jungle boy imitation. When you were a teenager you wouldn't tell anyone how it happened so they would just assume it was from a fight. At ten you rented a raft from the beach, took it to the bay and floated out into the shipping lanes. "Wow mom, those boats look so big from the water." I aged. You had to jump higher, run faster and live harder than everyone else. You were the nightmare child of the Wildwood Crest Lifeguards. When you hit the beach all whistles came out. Competition was your middle name. If a snowmobile was built to do sixty you just knew it could do seventy or eighty. Every limit was meant to be tested. You broke almost everything you touched.

When you were about thirteen you told us you were "The Beacon of the Family." We roared with laughter and the name it stuck. You'd do something goofy and we'd say. "Yessir, you are the beacon of the family." Sometimes we just called you the Beacon.

You loved to challenge me, antagonize me, and exasperate me always ending with something like "Oh mom you know I'm only kidding, besides it's my job to push your buttons. I'm your oldest son and it's in the oldest son's job description. You however are the mother and it is your job to worry. The way I see it we're both just doing our jobs." And then you'd give me that beautiful grin that could melt my heart. The one that made me want to kiss you and throttle you all at the same time.

You were the protector. Your family, your friends, everyone was safe with you. If ever my life was in danger you were the one I'd want to be with. I knew you'd lay down your own life without thought to save mine.

You were champion of the underdog. You abhorred racism. You loved being a big brother and would get down on the floor and roll and tumble just like a big kid. They adored having such a big goofy playmate. You were loyal to friends who weren't loyal to you.

But your finest moment came when a beautiful little girl named Gabrielle was placed into your arms. She became your heart and your life. And you adored her. No sacrifice was too big for Gabby. Gabby wore the best jeans, your workboots were missing their toes. No diaper was too dirty. In November you visited us with Gabby. When you got home you would have to carry a sleeping Gabby and a duffel and some heavy carpentry tools for several miles. I asked if you wanted to borrow a stroller. You said "Mom you don't understand. She's my Gabby. She could never be too heavy to carry." And her life will be missing something truly wonderful without you in it. No one person could ever love that precious little girl the way you do. No one person will ever be able to protect her the way you could. It will take all of us to do those jobs for you. And we will. Her grandparents, her many aunts and uncles, her cousins. We will love her for you, protect her for you and carry her the rest of the way for you.

No mother could ever love a child more than I love you. I will forever love you with all my heart and all my being. I will forever miss you. You have brought me the greatest joy anyone could ever have and I know that Heaven is just a little bit brighter with the Beacon there doing his best imitation of a boy named Thunderbolt.

Until I hold you in Heaven,
Mom

May 20, 1996

Dear JP,

I will thank God all my life because I know that God has given me a great gift allowing me to have you for my brother. I will thank Him for giving me a faith that means I'll never have to say good-bye to you.

I'll always remember the sweet, sensitive, loving and protective brother that you were. How you watched over me throughout my life. I'll always remember the time you told me that it felt like I was your big sister instead of your little one. I'm so grateful that at least for that one moment I made you feel as loved and protected as you always made me feel.

I promise you this gift - that I will never let Gabby forget you. How much you adored her and how very, very much you loved her. I promise you that I will love and treasure her all the days of my life and that I will tell her how wonderful her daddy was.

You will forever be my big brother and I will never leave you. Because wherever I am, I will carry you with me in my heart. I love you and miss you beyond any words I can find and I'll always look forward to the day I'll see you again.

I have spent my life adoring you and I'll spend the rest of it the same way.

Love,
Kerri

May 17, 1997

Dear Gabby,

The first time I met your daddy I really didn't think we had much in common. Your Aunt Cindi thought we would be a good match and arranged for our first date. After our first kiss I thought maybe I misjudged the situation... After that we went out every night for 3 weeks and then he asked me to 'go steady.' I laughed because no one used that term any more and it sounded so quaint!

When we found out I was pregnant with you I was really terrified. Your dad was really excited. He kept assuring me that everything would be fine. And he was right. The night you were born the smile on your daddy's face and the love in his eyes let me know there was going to be a bond forever. Your daddy was a terrific dad! He loved to throw you in the air (and make me crazy). He put you on your first big girl swing. His favorite thing was when you would fall asleep on his chest and that's the way I always found the two of you. I knew that no matter what he would always love us. He always made me feel that we were protected and safe.

I see your daddy everytime I look at you. Aside from the physical resemblance you have many of his traits. The way you 'growl,' your strength, self-confidence and the way you walk all remind me of him. But most of all when you unexpectedly turn to me and tell me 'I love you' I know that's your daddy.

Even though your daddy is in Heaven I know he left the very best parts of him here in you. Whenever I look at you I know he's still here with me. The joy of seeing him in you makes his loss bearable.

Love,
Mommy