The Excellent Wife
Lesson 27
Love - The Wife's Choice
~Selfishness Hinders Love~
The following is a summary adaptation of material from "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace. Used by permission. Taken from "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, pp 85-87. Copyright 1999, Focus Publishing, Bemidji, Minnesota. Used with permission for the purposes of this devotional series only. May not be reproduced or forwarded without the express consent of the publisher.
Last week we discussed Principle #1 which says, "Wives are to love their husbands." We looked at the commandment given in scripture which tells us that we are to love. (See John 13:34-35.) So, as wives Christ has given us the command to love as He has loved us. Only by this love will all men know (our husbands included), that we are truly Christ's disciples. Today we are going to discuss: Principle #2 -- "Selfishness Hinders Love." When we look carefully at the word "selfish," it describes a person who is solely interested in taking care of their own comfort, pleasure, or interest excessively, without regard for others. A person who's selfish is "full of self." Think about it for a moment... They are so involved with making sure they aren't used or walked over, that they end up doing the same to others. This person is blinded to the needs of others by his/her own needs. All people are naturally selfish. In general, we all yearn to have our needs met, to feel good about ourselves, and to have our rights protected. However, contrary to what the world's view may be, God is calling us to be "selfless." He wants you to "deny" yourself and to "put others first." The joy, happiness and fulfilment that you are seeking can only be found as you walk according to the ways of Christ. Christ put our need to be reconciled to God as top priority. He gave up His home in glory and came to die in your place. Now that's putting other's needs first. And yes, this is what God is calling you to do--to put yourself aside and put God and others first. This does mean that you will put your husband's needs before your own.
Let's look at what the scripture says:
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4.)
"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor..." (Romans 12:10.)
We can apply these truths to our lives today and find that they are more than appropriate to transform our selfish habits into Christlike loving habits. In light of the above scriptures, ask yourself these questions:
Am I acting selfishly?
Am I showing humility to my husband as Christ did/does towards me?
Am I thinking/acting respectfully of my husband and giving importance to his needs?
Am I devoted to fulfilling my own personal interests?
I Corinthians 13:5 says,
"Love does not seek it's own [way].."
Christian love is sometimes a hard concept to swallow. Especially if you are looking with a judgmental heart at the flaws of your husband. However, no where in scripture does God teach us that it's "okay" to blame our actions on someone else. God's desire is that you grow spiritually and to do this, you must take responsibility and ownership for your own actions.
"Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings, As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby." (I Peter 2:1-2.)
We have to lay aside the sin that ensnares and entangles us, so that we can begin to grow as follower's of Christ. God knew that we struggle with being and doing good to those who do wrong to us. That's why He tells us to "be filled with The Spirit." (Ephesians 5:18.) If we are going to be VICTORIOUS, we must rely upon The Holy Spirit to control us; not our feelings. We should also know that God does NOT approve of the wife judging her husband's actions to justify her own. A summation of Matthew 7:1-5, tells us that we are not to judge, because we will be judged with the same judgement we pronounce on others. We're also instructed to deal with the sin that is in our hearts first, before we try to point out the sin in our brother's (husband's) heart. God wants you to overcome evil with good. He wants you to bless and not curse. Responding with evil and more selfishness is not responding in a godly fashion.
Biblical love asks us to do the opposite of what may seem logical. Does the wife have an opinion in matters that concern her? Yes, she does. But, she must be careful in the manner in which she approaches her husband in those matters. He may be wrong in his decision but you want to honor God by your speech and conversation. God is the One who works for your good and His glory. I've found out the long way, that I do not need to be my husband's "Holy Spirit." I need to respond with a meek and quiet spirit and when I can't do that, I've resolved to remain prayerfully silent, and revisit the issue later. Ladies we must remember that doing things to "get back" at our husbands for something they did wrong to us, harboring feelings of resentment, and waiting for opportunities to retaliate are SINFUL actions. What reward is there in responding in such a manner? Does it really help your relationship grow with your husband and God? Does it prosper you anything? Sad to say, I think not. More than anything it stunts your relationship growth with your husband and God. If our goal is to draw closer to God and grow in our marriage relationship, then it will not happen if we continue responding this way.
I plead with and encourage you, to search the Bible for God's account of the true meaning of "real love." You will find His love plan woven throughout the entire Bible. This is crucial to our walk with the Lord and our relationship to our husbands. When the wife's view of love is wrong (wrong meaning contrary to what God's Word says) then she cannot respond in a godly manner. She must first bring those misconceptions and wrong ideas of love to light. Only then can she begin to respond with godly love, as she replaces wrong love (based on romance/feelings), with right love (based on God's Word). The scripture's view of love is patient, kind, giving, etc. We must change our thinking so that our expectations will change also.
Another view of love that we misinterpret is "unconditional" love. Unconditional love does not mean that the wife approves or accepts her husband's sinful behavior. She as his wife, has a responsibility to try to restore him to a right relationship with God. (We will talk more on this subject later.) She is to love Him, the person, and hate the sin, his unrighteous acts. Unconditional love is what God has for us. His love has no conditions. He loves us unquestionably. Yet, He does not approve or accept our sin.
Are you still struggling with being unloving? Do you still have a wrong ungodly perspective of love? Are you longing for the wrong kinds of love? Then I encourage you to go to God in prayer confessing to Him, your sinful attitudes and self-serving motives. He will forgive you and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. God is more than able to free you from this stronghold in your life. He can refresh you in your mind, and renew the right spirit within, so that you can begin to live free in Him.
Ladies, let us not be fooled by satan. His aim is to get you away from the plan of God. As long as he can keep you focused on yourself and your needs, the more you are less aware of God's will for you and your marriage. This is what I call the "trap of self-seeking desires," and we must avoid this snare at all costs. If you are more focused on being romanced, being accepted, "feeling" loved, being treated fairly, rather than having a godly Christian husband you've fallen into this trap! God's will is that you desire a relationship with Him first. Only then can we begin to know how to relate to our husbands and other's. We are to seek Him first. I cannot stress to you the importance of change by way of God's Holy Word. The Christian life is learned by hearing the Word and by obeying it. To hear and not to do, is sin. If you are having problems being selfish or you continue to hold onto your wrong idea of love, confess this before God and then walk in the newness of life that He offers. Search the scriptures for wisdom and guidance in these areas. Meditate on and memorize them to help you daily. Happiness, joy, peace, and contentment are found in obeying the Father. I found by way of searching the scriptures to help me "put-off" the old man and his ungodly view of love, was a fresh, vivid outlook of God's love. I discovered that His love is, "pure, patient, kind, selfless and full of mercy." What an undeserving opportunity God has given us. An opportunity to be rivers overflowing with His love to our husbands.
I close this lesson by sharing with you one of the many scriptures that have assisted me in loving my husband in a godly manner: "He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked." (I John 2:6.) In regard to selfless love, "What does this verse mean to you?" Next week, we will look at Principle #3, and discuss how "Bitterness Hinders Love." We will discover several common signs of bitterness and how you can overcome those feelings by becoming Kind, Tenderhearted, and Forgiving in your thought processes and actions. Remember, "Selfishness Hinders Biblical Love, but Biblical Love Destroys Selfishness & Portrays Christ."
May God's love compel you,
Pamm Jackson5P@aol.com