Aimee's Testimony (PART 3)
~The Sovereign God of My Life~
The miracle did come, but not the way I expected it. One Sunday morning while at church, Steven saw an old acquaintance. He introduced us in the parking lot, where this man proceeded to explain that he was in the middle of a divorce and in alot of pain. He also mentioned that he had been referred to anger management. Knowing that counseling was not only my preferred profession, but my gift, Steven offered my "services". I suggested that this man, Mike, attend anger management elsewhere. But, he latched on to Steven and I like a thirsty man drowns himself in a lake of water. The next week after church we brought him home. He stayed all day, and talked over and over again about his life, his wife, his children, his pain. Steven was too busy trying to show Mike all the games they could play on the computer to really hear what he was saying. Steven never did have much of an ear for hurting people anyway. So, being the compassionate person that I am, I listened, and felt sorry for this guy. He slowly started gravitating away from Steven and towards me. And, I quickly fell into a counseling role, despite my many attempts to avoid that......
The sensitivity that Mike expressed, the tears, the pain, they all led into a "relationship" that we shared. He talked and I listened. He cried and I consoled. He expressed confusion, and I guided him towards answers. Over and over again. But, I began to share an intimacy with him that I desperately craved. It had been a long time since I had felt the way I was beginning to feel towards Mike. I was tingly all over, and felt alive again. Not in the same way I felt alive when I got saved. A different kind of alive. The kind of alive that made me enjoy the comapny of a man, the kind of alive that made me feel an emotion other than anger, fear, or repulsion.
So, I decided to write Mike a letter to let him know I was beginning to have romantic feelings for him. In my own vulnerability I believed he would get scared at my expression of feelings, and would run away. Even though I may have secretly longed for him to reciprocate the feelings, I didn't honestly believe he would. But, of course, he did. That started a short-lived "affair", if you would call it that. As with any relationship when a man and woman share intimate feelings, our sexual attraction grew. But, I was still married. Completely divorced in my heart, but still married. And, my faith in God and commitment to that relationship told me that the relationship developing between Mike and I was very very wrong. But, like a moth drawn to flame, the harder I tried to resist, the harder it seemed to become. This is not something I am proud of. In fact, there is a part of me that is so ashamed of it from many levels, that I would rather not ever share it. But, truthfulness is light, and light exposes darkness. I am telling you this because it was all a necessary and believe it or not, an integral part of God's plan for our lives.
Anyway, resisting the sexual temptation became too overwhelming for me. I was confused. Still in graduate school, I enlisted myself in some free counseling at the campus psychological center. I could never tell another Christian what I was going through. My counselor was a wonderful guy, but I struggled with his so secular view. But, secular or not, he maintained that I needed to not only end my relationship with Mike, but divorce my husband. In 10 weeks I came to a decision to allow myself 6 months to emotionally prepare for a divorce. However, I still had hope God would come through with a miracle. I knew my heart was hard, and that God would now not only have to radically change my husband, He would have to soften my heart towards my husband for the marriage to work. I wrote Mike another letter explaining that before we could continue in a relationship I would have to come to a decision of resolve or reconcile my marriage. He left me alone for a few months. But, we eventually made contact again, only this time Mike had a new girlfriend. I thought I could maintain a relationship at this point because he was "safe". But, we quickly fell into the same sexual attraction. Or at least, I did. I now found myself daily on my knees, crying out to God literally. I wanted so desperately to be faithful, my heart ached for faithfulness. But, my flesh was so weak I could hardly stand it. I knew with certainty it would be a matter of time before a sexual encounter took place. And, eventually, it did......I'm not telling this aspect of my life because it's just something to tell. I am telling it because everything that had led up to this particular point in my life had such a significant impact on the direction my life would turn, and the healing God would do in me. It is no ordinary thing for a Christian to talk about getting a divorce, having an affair, while at the same time confessing to be a Christian. Like you, I am a human being. And, this is the most profound thing I learned from God through my relationship with Mike. You see, I had become very legalistic in my Christianity. I sat on a horse, a very high horse. And, it wasn't until I fell off of it that I even realized how high it was. God spoke to the deepest recesses of my heart that if I am strong at any given moment, it is only because He gives me strength......that without Him I am weak, and sinful, and disgusting. I already knew I needed Him to heal me. And, once He did that initial cleansing, I somehow forgot I was a sinner too. And, God's timing, with the sensitivity of my heart, and the opportunity with Mike, was perfect. I am not suggesting it was God's will for me to have an affair, to commit adultery or fornicate. I am suggesting that I believe that God purposely withdrew His strength from me to show me what I was if left to my own accord. And, for the first time in my life I understood the depth and degree of my utter dependence on God.
Anyway, I filed for divorce in August 1997. Steven and I had been married one month shy of 9 years. I was terrified, and confused. I felt like I was being unfaithful to God on one hand, but I also felt like divorce was His will in my life. Mike actually took a backseat at this time. I had to emotionally distance just to be sure I was making the right decision for the right reasons. I didn't want to leave Steven for another man. I wanted to leave him because I was certain it was God's will. And, that meant facing the painful possibility I may spend the rest of my life without a husband. During this period of time, God led me to the Book of Ruth. I had read it before, but reading it a second time, it was as if God was speaking personally to me. He told me not to be afraid, that he would send a man into my life who would redeem my family. He also told me it wasn't Mike. While that didn't stop my attraction, or change my feelings, it helped ease the anxiety I was feeling. I no longer "needed" a man in my life. I was content to spend it alone, and I stopped "looking" for a man to replace my husband. My relationship with Mike ended in a very sudden and painful way. I really thought I had fallen in love with him. And, although I intellectually understand that love is not an emotion, I had to emotionally realize it as well. Mike vacillated between me and his other girlfriend. And, although he hurt me every time he went back to her, it was ultimately I who made a decision not to take him back.
~A Family Redeemed~
I am so happy to say that not only did God teach me an invaluable lesson about my ultimate dependence on Him, He also showed me the exact nature of my own sexual and emotional defects that were consequential of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. As passionate and painful as it was, my relationship with Mike was the final rocky stretch of my journey from a being a girl to becoming a woman. It brought to the surface many emotional issues surrounding sexual intimacy with men. And, it brought to light the path of healing I had to follow in order to be finally free. So, I waited without even knowing I was waiting...........
In this waiting I had a peace. Even though I had absorbed all the debt from my divorce, which forced me to work three jobs to keep up with the incoming bills, I slept at night. I felt free. And I pursued the Lord with a fuller faith and a deeper understanding of His grace than I had ever had before. And, even though I struggled with the divorce, I knew that God had called me out of my marriage for a reason, and as he had promised through Ruth, He would redeem my family.
Our need for redemption became even more evident as my only daughter, and the middle child began to experience the onslaught of Satan's attack. Steven's absence only brought a brief respite from the horrors we faced as a family. Within months of his leaving she began to exhibit horrible behaviors. Interestingly, Steven would call and only ak to speak with her.....whether a display of his psychological games, or a stronghold of Satan, it was a disruption to our family unity. Amanda's behaviors began with extreme tantrums. In and of themselves, tantrums are not unusual for children, but for a six year old, this was a bit much. And these tantrums weren't the normal "through yourself on the ground" type, the progressively got more and more violent. And Amanda grew increasingly oppositional. I couldn't even get her to go to her room for a time-out without a major confrontation.
And then I met Al. That in itself is an intersting story, that I won't tell here.....but, he and I began to "date". I was very resistant for the fisrt six months. I was content to be alone the rest of my life, and didn't want the complications and distractions brought by a relationship. But he seemed to have a strong desire to "help" me....with the kids, with the chores around the house, and even with the bills on occasion. I didn't mind the burden being lifted, and I liked the idea of the kids being babysat by someone who cared for us, rather than by people I paid, or friends who were quickly becoming burdened theirselves. Early in our relationship Al set strong parameters and expressed strong "opinion" about Steven's further involvement in our lives. I was very rebellious and resentful about this at first because I didn't see Al and I as a "couple" and didn't feel he had the right to interfere in our relationship with the man who I had spent 9 years in marriage with and the man the children called "dad". But, looking back, Steven was very disruptive to our peace, and was often verbally abusive on the phone. He continued his bizarre delusional babbling even after we divorced, and continued to have a negative influence. Looking back, I believe Al was trying to assume a leadership position, and even though I was continually praying for some spiritual leadership in my life, I was rebellious in the beginning. I just didn't want to give up my control.
Within six months of meeting, Al moved in with us. This "arrangement" was more out of convenience than anything else. The Lord had freed him from the financial obligation of caring for his parents, and he was spending more and more time at our house. He was working nights and watching the kids for me during the day, so he was never at the house during the night anyway, except on his days off. This saved me a huge childcare expense, and he helped contributing more with the bills. Two months later he asked me to marry him for the third time, and this time I said yes. This was not easy for me. I was so afraid to make the same mistakes again. I completely trusted God, but I didn't trust myself, and it was hard for me to discern God's voice from my own at times.
Amanda's behavior increasingly got worse, and she began to act it out on Al. She would hit him, kick him, all sorts of physical violence. And her fits grew to the point we would both have to restrain her for up to four hours at a time. She would try to bite herself, pull her hair, hit herself, choke herself, hold her breath, scratch herself......and I could relate to her self harming, but not at the age of six. She said she wanted to die, and that God didn't love her. She tried to run away, climbed on the roof and tried to jump off.....it went on and on. It became more and more evident that this was a demonic influence because the more we prayed out loud during these "fits" the angrier she would become. Just to keep my own anger in check, I would sing praise songs, and she would start spitting on me....all while we were having to restrain her.....and for a six year old, she was extremely strong....it was all Al and I could do to keep her from hurting herself or us....and he's 6'2" and 230 pounds...
I prayed and prayed....and she got worse and worse....I shared with family and friends, and finally with the church what was going on behind the closed door of my home.....because in all honesty, I knew if I didn't I might hurt my daughter. I could restrain her, and I had all the patience to allow her to abuse me physically, but once she opened her mouth, the real attack began. I can't even tell you exactly what she would say.....it was more the "mind games" than the specific words....within minutes she would have me so enraged that I was bordering on becoming abusive myself.....
In the midst of this, Al and I got married. I don't know how or why short of God's promise. Here I was a former drug user, with a history of sexual promiscuity, tattoos all over my body, with an ex-husband who was nuts, and three children in my short 25 year life, with one of my children who was severely emotionally disturbed. And there was Al, no children of his own, never really tried drugs, played football in high-school, younger, and able to have any woman he wanted.......but he wanted to marry me? It is still completely unfathomable to me......
Sadly, it was a purpose no one but God, Al, and I seemed to understand.....we were told by the church, and even our friends in the church, that we were living in sin, and were a stumbling block to others. I struggled with this, and never really came to agree with that belief. But, I question if I was being rebellious...if my heart was in the right place....if Amanda's behaviors were a consequence of our living in sin. You see, I never advocate pre-marital sex....it is a sin without a doubt. On the other hand, the Bible does not tell us anywhere that living together is a sin. Is it possible to live together and no have sex? And, is it possible to have sex and not live together? You see, for us there had to be that seperation....it was only through intimately experiencing the seperation of love from sex that I was able to experience the emotions of love with sex...no man had ever been willing to love me without having sex with me, and up until this point in my life, all sex was just a physical act to me. They could not understand that the emotional pain for me to have sex with Al far outweighed the physical pleasure....that I wasn't a stumbling block to them, but they were actually a stumbling block to me......we were urged to "just get married" right away if we were going to continue living together. Why? So that we then had permission from God to have sex? I still wasn't ready to have sex......so our only option was for Al to move out, which he reluctantly did, but was back again within the week....this was never something God called us to do...neither of us felt strongly against living together...even after much prayer....and I still don't feel it was wrong. I think the main reason I say this is because when I was truly ready to have sex with Al, I was able to experience the overwhelming emotions along with it.....and I cried almost every instance afterward for a long time....some deep healing was going on.....but before that could happen the stage had to be set for me to feel safe enough to introduce feelings into my sexual experiences, and to know that Al loved me and was willing to subvert his sexual attraction for my betterment....I know that none of this would have come to light if we had not lived together because God had showed me before I even met Al how He was going to heal me.....that's one of us who was redeemed....
Finally completely exhausted by Amanda's behaviors, and after another of her "suicide attempts", I took her to a psychiatric hospital. She was admitted and placed on medications. Those were the most peaceful days we shared in a long time. But, she was home in a few days....a few medications and hospitalizations later, and my beautiful six year old daughter was not getting better. Her therapy was providing no relief, and the "advice" we recieved never worked...I prayed constantly, and began to feel defeated...her hopitalizations resulted in referrals to CPS, but Amanda would always say that we abused her, or she had bruises all up and down her legs from her attempts at self harm and our attempts to restrain her.....she maintined a "double identity" for a long time....I was amazed at her ability to maintain her pretense....but this slowly erroded, and she was begining to act out, even in church. She went to therapy weekly, and her favorite thing to do there was to draw on this huge Boone board that made up the entire wall. One day while I was observing her, she drew a self-portrait. I don't place a lot of confidence in the interpretation of childhood drawings because kids often operate within the scope of their understanding, which isn't necessarily factual. Anyway, this particular day her self-portrait had an undeniable message. It was purely evil. I can't really explain it, but it didn't have an emotional quality to it.....it just had a feeling undescribed by human words....it shook the core of my soul...and I let out a gasp, followed by deep sobs....all else perhaps being mental illness, poor adjustment, bad genes.....there was no denying that Satan had his clutches on my daughter.
We all continued praying for her deliverance....but nothing happened until we moved from that house. God called us out, and we left. A scary prospect for someone who had spent 9 years of my life there.....and for the three kids who had grown up in the same school and with the same circle of friends all their life. A lot of memories in that home.....but, Al and I also needed to start a home of our own....a home that didn't include memories of my ex-husband....
So, we moved 500 miles away, leaving behind our home, along with it's memories, and hopefully the demonic influence that seemed to be after our family. Within a month of moving Amanda decided on her own to stop taking the medications. She also progressively got better until she had none of the same symptoms. A miracle! I don't know if the decrease in contact with her dad, if getting out of that house, if the move itself, or if the prayers of all the saints had made a difference, but it was ultimately God who healed my daughter.....and starting life over, God had truly redeemed my family.......
If you have questions/comments, need prayer, or encouragement, or want to share your own testimony with me e-mail me!