Gods Sense of Humor

Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am p.s.t.

God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to NOT try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter,

God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look a bird -- ing at a time.

God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. I'm sorry tell me more. (I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.)

Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen

A sponsor and his newcomer were at a meeting when the newcomer sudden;y collapsed, went into cardiac arrest and fell to the floor. The paramedics arrived, performed CPR and brought the newcomer back to life."MY GOD!", said the sponsor, :I thought we had lost you"> the newcomer looked up and told the sponsor, "I believe I was actually dead for a short time. I saw a bright light and felt myself basking in the light of my Higher Power. I'm sure it was heaven. It was an amazing experience."

"What was heaven like?" asked the sponsor. The newcomer smiled and replied,"Well, I got good news, and I got bad news. The good news is that in heaven they have a huge speaker meeting every Thursday night. All the greatest Al-Anon/A.A speakers that have passed away speak there." "And the bad news?", asked the sponsor.

The newcomer looked at his sponsor in the eyes and replied,"The bad news is that you're the speaker next week.

Stranger In My House

A very weird thing has happened to me!!! A strange old lady has moved into my house.

I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't here, and the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into a mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and perfect body!!! It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.

She's really rather frightening. If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of bucks on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my dresser or floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly.

I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows, she needs it.

And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff--ice cream, cookies, candy--I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth.

She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets into my closets when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day.

Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on my desk. I can't find a thing any more. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized; but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be!!!

And when I program my VCR to tape something important, she messes with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me--and blurs all the print; and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio, and phone.

Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb out of.

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open.

Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me wherever I go.

I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit--which looks ridiculous on her and then stands directly in fornt of me so I can't see how great it looks on me. I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong.

She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually steppend in fornt of the camera just as the shutter clicked. I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that old crone scowling from my passport is me. She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty....

First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

(sigh.....bet that strange old lady is on 'her' puter too!) What's a body to do?