A Big Huggy Hello From Me, "~Spider Angel"

I have gotten lots of e-mail as to why I have not shared my story here on the web with all the rest of my Al-Anon share on the web site. Is gonna be real hard to put a lot of years(31) into a condensed form but windy us will try.......Smile....

My name is still Carol and I am a greatful member of the Al-Anon family group........Do I qualify for this group. You bet I do!!!! A lot of family loved ones drinking affected me.

I am the granddaughter of( who died at a very young age from the disease) the daughter of (who will be celebrating 25 yers of sobriety this year in Nov.) the sister of,(who just passed away from this disease July 4th, 1998) niece of, the cousin of,the Aunt of, and the sister-in-law of ( who are still writeing their stories and that we have learned to love and accept unconditionally) and the mother-in-law of(just had 10 year B-day this month, and the wife of who celebrated 18 years this July 17th. As you can see the disease has affected my family BIG time.

Now that you see I do qualify does not make me a member. What does is attending meetings on a regular bases, the life time commitment of the the program, working and doing the steps, having a sponsor, and shareing my ESH with those that I have been blessed with to sponsor and give away to others what I have been so freely given. In other words, I still suit up and show up and are willing to extend that hand for all the new comers coming in........Remember there is a chair saved for you and a hug waiting at the door if you think you need it. And we are all equal and there for the same primary purpose. We have been affected by some ones drinking. Not one of us is better than or less than. That is why I can say I am a very humble and greatful member of the Al-Anon family group.

To share what my early years were like the only way I can tell you without going into every gorey detail is to compare it with the writer Stephen King.....He got rich on his stories and I survived and was blessed with Al-Anon. Tell me who ended up the richer. I think I did all the way.

In the growing up years we all have what they call good for nothing drunks in town and that is what a lot of my family was called. They would literly walk out of the way to not meet my Dad in person. He was one mean machine. And so was my G'pa.

We left home on the night we graduted from high school(Just barely 17 years old). We had saved for years to do that...We went to the Big cities about 2 weeks before graduation to find ourself a job and an apartment. Couldn't wait to get out on our own. Thought if we left home we would get away from all the problems.. Not knowing way back then that you don't do it, As I had already been affected by the disease and didn't even know I had it...

We stayed away for 6 years before we went back home for the first time. And then we only went back as my Mom was deathly ill and was told to come home if I wanted to see her alive. She had the surgery and recovered and we stayed back in our home town to take care of her but could not live at home. My Dad would not let us in. That was a whole lot of amends I had to make after I got into the program.

It was when I was back in the hometown and working that I met my husband of today. (We have walked thru a lot in the last 32 years.) I did not know he was an Alcoholic til after we were engaged to be married and he tried to beat up a telephone pole one night, as I was not home when he came, was still working. My brother-in-law is the one who took him to the emergency room and came and picked me up after work and took me up to the ER where he was. He had just been in the program for about 3 1/2 months before this happened and noone knew it. My husband to be had never drank in front of me or around me so you know how shocked I was to find out that he even drank say anthing about having a problem with it.(He is what they call a periodic alcoholic) After his hands were set in casts we were off to Hazelton Treatment Center. On the way back my than brother-in-law told me that he was gonna take me to a meeting that would help me to understand the disease. Back in those days it was not out in the open as it is today. We had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I did not know that he had made a phone call to let them know that he was bringing me to a meeting.....(Back then me and my husband to be was the youngest ones to come into our home group back then.) So they called us babes as we were not even married then and being so young.

Today you get to choose who you want for a sponsor. Back then you didn't get to...When I walked in the door they had two gals waiting for me....One was named Clara who smiled at me and introduced herself and in the same breath said she was gonna be my sponsor. God I thank you for that wonderful person.......She had been in the program for 20+ years when I came in......God knew I needed a hard core one for me........She was a lil over 4 feet tall and gave the best hugs, had a smile that never ended and had everything that I wanted. We were blessed to have her for a sponsor for 22 years before she went to the big meeting in the sky.

That first meeting that night I did not want to end or leave because for the first time I felt at home and that I belonged somewhere. That first night I learned about the 4C's. That I did not cause it, I could't control it, and if I was not responsible for it why did I feel I had to cure all the problems. Also I would have to make it a life time "commitment." And if I couldn't do that I could not make the life time commitment to marriage.

I am here to tell you all my growing up years I thought I had to fix and make everyone happy and make all situations o.k. And I took on the sole role of the responsibilithy and shared the blame with noone.........We never showed or shared with anyone how we really felt or what was really going on inside our house. No mtter what it did to me....... and thru doing this I lost me and what I wanted and how I felt.... From lil' on we were always told that kids were seen and not heard and we did all that was asked of us and if we had x-tra time we did more.

The greatest gift I found out that first night was that I had been affected by a disease BIG TIME and I could find out a new way of life for ME and change ME and get to know who Me was all over again..

And I was not responsible for anyone else!!!!!!!!!!

This is just a start of, will add more and try and get it finished......Just want you to know that no mtter how bad it was.........Thru this program it can only get better one day at a time with you and God together and faith in yourself. As it has for me, and will still continue with this program in my life, with the God of my understanding in charge, and I willing to go to any length to do what I need to do for me.