Posted to alt.support.dissociation. 9 May 2000
This post is about l*ve. (* = o)
If this word bothers you in any way, then
please take care of yourself and don't read this post.
I
had
a
friend
who
worked as a waitress,
and she called everyone, "honey" or "darling".
I could never do that, even though people never seemed to take her the wrong way.
I remember when I decided to sign my letters with "lots of l*ve" or "l*ve ya". It was hard for me. I didn't *feel* l*ve. At the time I didn't *feel* anything. I'd buried my emotions so that I wouldn't be hurt (anymore).
By the time I found asd, I was in the habit of signing everything, "lots of l*ve" and therefore it lost its impact on me. Sort of like when I was triggered by the word "post" and I requested that people use the word anyway. I wanted to desensitize myself. I never did figure out exactly *why* the word triggered me, any more than I know why I didn't feel like telling people I l*ved them.
One of the first things I found out at asd is that you don't tell people on the group that you l*ve them. Reasons ranged from
"I don't know you. How can you l*ve me?" to "My parents told me they l*ved me every time they beat me."
My first messages to asd were to e and Beauty. I sensed e as the logic side and Beauty as the emotion side. It appeared easy for Beauty to say "l*ve" to people . However, she was reminded not to do that. I think that hurt her very much.
I was in a quandary. My pattern was to sign "with l*ve". OTOH I didn't want to be hurt so I refrained from speaking of my affection for people on the newsgroup.
When I started sending out the apples, I signed them simply "cherish" or "from cherish". Eventually, I decided that what fit for me was to sign "l*ve, cherish". My apples are made with l*ve and sent with l*ve. "Why should I hide my feelings?" I reasoned. Isn't this what life is all about? Learning to feel and deal with feelings.
L*ve is associated with a lot of things. The first thing that *I* associate it with is s*x (*=e). I can't remember my parents saying, "I l*ve you," so I don't think I associated "l*ve" with beatings, like some parents who say, "I beat you because I l*ve you."
I do feel that someone who hurts you is not showing l*ve. In spite of all the hurts I've been dealt in this card game called life, I've never lost my desire to l*ve and be l*ved (even if I didn't feel "l*ve").
I came to want to know more about l*ve. To me l*ve was a many-faceted gem and I had only known one facet. As I sought out people to l*ve me, I found genuine l*ve and it had nothing to do with s*x. I also felt l*ve for my best friend even after she stopped being my best friend. I also feel strong affection for the starving little children in Africa that I see on TV, people that I've never met.
My paradigm of l*ve was incomplete. My paradigm of l*ve needed to be expanded to include these other feelings. About this time one of my genuine friends introduced me to the concept of "agape".
This Greek word came to mean to me "unconditional l*ve". Someone could l*ve even a w*cked (*=i) individual because 'agape' l*ved the *person* not the conduct. This was an astounding paradigm shift for me.
I still didn't want to use the word l*ve in posts. Even the word "agape" can have different connotations.
Today I was fiddling around with some words and I've made an acronym for "unconditional l*ve".
Henceforward, cherish ppls will sign with this new word when we can feel the feelings and want to express them without hurting anyone.
My fiddlings:
Lookee!
If I sign
'much agape love from'
and then use the acronym
I have
m.a.l.f.
Neat!
malf,
{cherish}
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