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(With apologies to Robert A. Heinlein, creator of LL)
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On Staying Alive In Places Where That's Not So Easy
Always store beer in a dark place.
1) Always store beer in a cool, dry, dark place. Right next to the potatoes, wine and
ammo. MAH
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What are the facts? Again and again and again - what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what "the stars fortell," avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable "verdict of history" - what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
1) Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so. -- Bertrand Russell
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
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Don't store garlic near other victuals.
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Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
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Yield to temptation -- it may not pass your way again.
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Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
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Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.
1) Remember, it take a while to die and you can usually shoot back. It tend to discourage 'em. MAH
2) No such thing as a fair fight. MAH
3) Sneek up behind 'em and shoot 'em when they ain't lookin'. MAH
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It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better
still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
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Take care of the cojones and the frijoles will take care of themselves.
Try to have getaway money -- but don't be frantic about it.
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Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.
1. The most dangerous person in the room is the real coward. MAH
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On Being Human
All men are created unequal.
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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
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Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
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Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.
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To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
"We must be open minded, but not so open minded that our brains fall out." -- James Randi
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Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
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Natural laws have no pity.
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To be "matter of fact" about the world is to blunder into fantasy -- and
dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful.
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On Religion
History does not record anywhere at any time a religion that has any rational basis.
Religion is a crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the unknown without
help. But, like dandruff, most people do have a religion and spend time and money on it
and seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with it.
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One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
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Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have
the manners and morals of a spoiled child.
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The profession of shaman has many advantages. It offers high status with
a safe livelihood free of work in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most
societies it offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to other
men. But it is hard to see how a man who has been given a mandate from
on High to spread tidings of joy to all mankind can seriously be
interested in taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one to
suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any other con man.
But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.
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Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other "sins"
are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid.)
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On Politics
All societies are based on rules to protect pregnant women and young children. All else is
surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly which can -- and must -- be dumped
in emergency to preserve this prime function. As racial survival is the only universal
morality, no other basic is possible. Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on
any foundation other than "Women and children first!" is not only witless, it is
automatically genocidal. Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male) have tried
endlessly -- and no doubt will keep on trying.
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Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
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Does history record any case in which the majority was right?
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Political tags -- such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal,
conservative, and so forth -- are never basic criteria. The human race divides politically
into those who want people to be controlled and those who have no such desire. The
former are idealists acting from highest motives for the greatest good of the
greatest number. The latter are surly curmudgeons, suspicious and lacking in altruism.
But they are more comfortable neighbors than the other sort.
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Those who refuse to support and defend a state have no claim to protection by that state.
Killing an anarchist or a pacifist should not be defined as "murder" in a legalistic sense.
The offense against the state, if any, should be "Using deadly weapons inside city limits,"
or "Creating a traffic hazard," or "Endangering bystanders," or other such misdemeanor.
However, the state may reasonably place a closed season on these exotic asocial animals
whenever they are in danger of becoming extinct. An authentic buck pacifist has rarely
been seen off Earth, and it is doubtful that any have survived the trouble there . .
regrettable, as they had the biggest mouths and the smallest brains of any of the primates.
The small-mouthed variety of anarchist has spread through the Galaxy at the very wave
front of the Diaspora; there is no need to protect them. But they often shoot back.
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If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. There may be nocandidates and no
measures you want to vote for . . but there are certain to be ones you want to vote against.
By this rule you will rarely go wrong.
If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning fool (there is always one
around) and ask his advice. Then vote the other way. This enables you to be a good
citizen (if such is your wish) without spending the enormous amount of time on it that
truly intelligent exercise of franchise requires.
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A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
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A motion to adjourn is always in order.
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On Life and Work
When the need arises -- and it does -- you must be able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm
it out -- that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.
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Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for
monks.
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If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who can do creative
work, never force an idea; you'll abort it if you do. Be patient and
you'll give birth to it when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.
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Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it is possible to be
both. How? By never taking an unnecessary chance and by minimizing risks
you can't avoid. This permits you to play out the game happily,
untroubled by the certainty of the outcome.
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A whore should be judged by the same criteria as other professionals
offering services for pay -- such as dentists, lawyers, hairdressers,
physicians, plumbers, etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she
give good measure? Is she honest with her clients?
It is possible that the percentage of honest and competent whores is
higher than that of plumbers and much higher than that of lawyers. And
enormously higher than that of professors.
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The phrase "we (I) (you) simply must --" designates something that need
not be done. "That goes without saying" is a red warning. "Of course"
means you had best check it yourself. These small-change cliches and
others like them, when read correctly, are reliable channel markers.
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When the ship lifts, all bills are paid. No regrets.
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Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
1) When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing. It's the money. --Kin Hubbard ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do not confuse "duty" with what other people expect of you; they are
utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill
obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail
anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die.
Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.
But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you,
and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to
deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants "just a few
minutes of your time, please -- this won't take long." Time is your
total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you
allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they
quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100
percent of your time -- and squawk for more!
So learn to say No -- and be rude about it when necessary.
Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your
own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites
will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.
(This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or
even for a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don't do it because it
is "expected" of you.)
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On Marriage
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between
strangers.
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It is impossible for a man to love his wife wholeheartedly without loving all women
somewhat. I suppose that the converse must be true of women.
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Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage; Pay cash or do without. Interest charges not
only eat up a household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic felicity.
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Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget the luxuries first!
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And still another -- See to it she has her own desk -- then keep your hands off it!
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And another -- In a family argument, if it turns out you are right -- apologize at once!
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On Thought and Reason
Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy. Deductive logic is tautological; there is no way to
get a new truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as readily as true ones. If you
fail to remember this, it can trip you -- with perfect logic. The designers of the earliest
computers called this the "Gigo Law," i.e., "Garbage in, garbage out."
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Inductive logic is much more difficult -- but can produce new truths.
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The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning,
while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
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On Men, Women and Sex
Have you noticed how much they look like orchids? Lovely!
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Copulation is spiritual in essence -- or it is merely friendly exercise. On second thought,
strike out "merely." Copulation is not "merely" -- even when it is just a happy pastime for
two strangers. But copulation at its spiritual best is so much more than physical coupling
that it is different in kind as well as in degree.
The saddest feature of homosexuality is not that it is "wrong" or "sinful" or even that it
can't lead to progeny -- but that it is more difficult to reach through it this spiritual union.
Not impossible -- but the cards are stacked against it.
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Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
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Rub her feet.
1. Buy her flowers for no reason. MAH
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Whenever women have insisted on absolute equality with men, they have
invariably wound up with the dirty end of the stick. What they are and
what they can do makes them superior to men, and their proper tactic is
to demand special privileges, all the traffic will bear. They should
never settle merely for equality. For women, "equality" is a disaster.
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"I came, I saw, she conquered." (The original Latin seems to have been
garbled.)
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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On Raising Kids
Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby experiences it, all over, before he is born
and long before he learns to use sight, hearing, taste, and no human ever ceases to need it.
Keep your children short of pocket money -- but long on hugs.
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Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs -- sex especially. When they are
growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any invasion of their
privacy. Oh, sure, they'll make mistakes -- but that's their business, not yours. (You made
your own mistakes, did you not?)
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Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
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On Working and Playing Well With Others
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period. Cutting
his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked
about.
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"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question
rates.
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Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.
For a first offense, that is.
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Never try to outstubborn a cat.
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Only a sadistic scoundrel -- or a fool -- tells the bald truth on social
occasions.
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This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have
little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to
happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
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