My Smallest Angel Babies
This site is dedicated to the precious memories of my daughter Holly miscarried April 25, 1992 and my son Joy miscarried October 16, 1992.
Holly Rachelle
After my beautiful daughter was stillborn (Andrea's Page)
I became pregnant right away. It wasn't planned and at first I was not happy to be pregnant. I was terrified that I might lose another baby. I went to my first doctors appointment and everything checked out fine. I was starting to be excited. I knew immediately and without doubt that this precious life I was carrying was a little girl. I picked out the name Holly. I started making plans for the first time since I had become pregnant. Two days later I discovered I was bleeding. I started screaming. I went to the emergency room. They did blood work and told me my HCG level was normal and then they sent me for an ultrasound. When they started the ultrasound I saw my baby. They told me everything looked fine and to go home a stay on bed rest for a week. I was so happy. I was still pregnant and everything was okay. The next day the bleeding picked up and I started cramping. I prayed I wasn't losing my baby, but it felt like contractions. When I got to the emergency room I passed something strange when I went to the bathroom. It did not look like a baby and I was confused. It was white and shiny. When they took me back I told the doctor what I had passed. (Since it wasn't the baby I didn't think to save it) The doctor told me it sounded like tissue and I shouldn't worry. He told me my HCG had not dropped so he didn't think anything was wrong. He again sent me home on bedrest. I again was relieved and thrilled. The pain had stopped and within 2 days I had completely stopped breeding. I was so happy. I went back the next week for a check-up. They checked my HCG levels and they had risen since the last week, so the nurse told me that I could relax. They sent me up for an ultrasound. My baby was gone. I couldn't believe it. I was in shock. The doctor told me that what I had passed the week before had probably been the amniotic sac and my baby was probably inside it when I passed it.
I carried her only 9 to 10 weeks (we can't be sure)They told me that everything looked good, I would not need a D&C.
They sent me home. I was still in such shock, my baby had left my body a week before and I didn't know. I now had two babies in heaven.
A letter to my daughter:
Dear Holly,
My precious little girl. I miss you so much. I think about you everyday and wonder what you would look like today. You would be 5 now. You would be having your 6th birthday a little later this year. You would have started school this year. Oh, how I wish I could have taken you on your first day of school. Your eyes bright with excitement. I long to brush your hair and help you get dressed every morning. I am so sorry my body failed you. They told me that my body was just to weak to carry you. I'm sorry I wasn't thrilled the moment I found out about you. It wasn't ever that I didn't want you, only that I was so afraid of the pain of losing you. I love you little girl. I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you forever. I never got to hold you in my arms, but I hold you in my heart. Someday, Holly, I'll hold you in heaven.
Love Always,
Mommy
Joy Nicolas
This lovely gift was made for my Joy by my dearest friend Tammy. Thank you, Tammy!
I wanted a baby now so badly I couldn't stand it. The doctor gave me the okay to get pregnant again. In september I found out I was pregnant. I was thrilled and afraid, but I still told everyone right away. This baby, again I just know, was a little boy. I went to the doctor 2 days after getting the home pregnacy results. With my history I didn't want to wait any longer than I had to get my first check-up. After the exam, I was told everything looked perfect and that I was 4 weeks pregnant. (I told you I rushed to the doctor) I was so thrilled. I was also frightened, but I was hoping and praying. For 3 weeks everything went normally and again I started bleeding. I was horrified, this couldn't be happening again. I called the doctor's office and they told me to come in immediately. When I got to the office they hooked me up to the ultrasound machine. They looked at me with sadness and told me I had had a miscarriage. Again, I was going home empty there would be no baby. My son and I had only made it 7 weeks. In 11 months I had lost 3 children. I can't not tell you the pain I felt then and that I still feel now.
A letter to my Son:
Dear Joy,
My precious son, I miss you so much. I miss the little boy you would now be and I miss the man that you would have become. I had you such a brief time, I didn't pick out a name before you left me. After you where born to heaven I picked Joy. I know it is not very manly, but it is the word that you brought to me so briefly. You my son, brought me joy. I did give you a more manly middle name and I hope that you like them. I wish that I could watch you playball and learn to ride a bike. I wish I could be tucking you in at night and kissing your sweet forehead. I am glad you are with your sisters. I am sure that you are having a wonderful time in heaven. Just like your sister Holly, I have never held you in my arms but I hold you in my heart forever. Someday, little man, I will hold you in heaven.
Love Always,
Mommy
God has also blessed me with 2 children to raise. Christopher is 9 and Grace is 4. Please visit my son's homepage. He is so proud of it. While your there please sign his guestbook. You will make his day. Also please visit my praises and miracles page and read the miraclous story of my daughter Grace.
Please visit Born Still - My site for parents, family and friends of stillborns
Please look at this site's Awards
